What life could be without you

After doing his usual rounds around the pack with his patrols and making sure to spend a minute with each of his children, Ulric began gathering a few supplies from around the castle. Most notably, be took a scrap of fabric from some of the old drapery that had been pulled down from some of the windows to be repurposed into other things so that he could fashion it into a makeshift bag of sorts. It wasn't his best craftsmanship, but he didn't need it to be. It was just for a quick trip a bit further south so he didn't need it to stand the test of time. He tucked a bit of dried meat inside as well as a couple flowers that he had collected from the Starlit Plains before slipping out of the pack lands. He didn't intend to be gone very long, but there was a certain place he had in mind that he felt like he had to make a visit to before he really allowed himself to refocus entirely on the pack. It was an act of catharsis and something he needed to get out of his system.

It was still fairly early in the day when he left so by the time he made it to the Lazuli Falls it was just beginning to go into the late afternoon. His steps slowed as the sound of the falls grew louder and louder in his ears until he was standing a few feet from the edge of the pool that surrounded the falls itself. As his silver gaze turned upward toward the top of the falls he began to wonder if this had been a mistake. He had hoped that perhaps coming to a place where he could release all of these pent up emotions would be therapeutic, but now be was beginning to wonder if he would even have the strength to face them. With a hard swallow past the lump in his throat he turned away from the falls for a moment to go find the den that his sister had once kept for herself and Memento.

There had been a small part of him that had hoped that maybe there would be some evidence that his sister had returned in the time since he had visited the falls last, but that hope was quickly dashed. There wasn't a single fresh scent anywhere in the den besides a couple other animals that had repurposed the den here and there over the last few months. It had been a far flung hope, but one that he couldn't keep himself from having. Walking away from the den, he neared the falls again and let himself drop the loosely formed bag in front of him before settling back onto his haunches. Staring at the rippling water ahead of him, his mind drifted through the years of memories that had brought him to this point. The death of his father, fleeing Boreas with his mother, caring for her the best he could on his own, finding Nausicaa, returning to Boreas and Auster with her and his mother, finding Philomena and having their family reunited for such a brief moment... The fight with Philomena that had left the scar across his cheek, finding Meme and hearing that Philomena had abandoned them, watching their family crumble apart again... And Azariah.

Ulric's ears folded back against his head and he sighed as he slowly lowered onto his stomach and began to fiddle with the bag he had tied up. There had been so many turning points in his life and all of them had sent him into a tail spin. Every time he felt like he had failed and there were very few times that he could think back to and be proud of that moment. Every time it started to turn around, started to give him hope that things would be better, it all came crashing down. Meeting Azariah had been the beginning of the biggest upswing of joy and love he had ever experienced. Bringing her into his family, beginning their life together in The Hallows, the birth of their children... those were all things he could look back on and feel like he had done something right. Now though... Now it had all crashed down again. He didn't know where she had gone or what had happened to her and there was a deep seeded fear in his heart that it was something much worse that her simply leaving them. Somehow he almost wished that was the case. If she had suddenly had a change of heart and wanted to leave then he could deal with that heartbreak. It was the fear that something was wrong, that her and Everlyse were hurt or lost - that was what really tore him apart.

He finally unfolded the piece of fabric that he had carried here, spreading it out in front of him and exposing the small bundle of flowers and small meal that had been hidden within. He grit his teeth against the emotion that threatened to strangle him and the tears that welled up in his eyes, making the silver hue of them glitter faintly. This was a vacation that he had planned well before the pack's move to Auster - one that he had planned to take with Azariah once they were settled in their new home. It was a far cry from the grand plans he had originally put together with the feast he would have prepared for them and the huge display of flowers that he had planed to gather and lay out here for her before they arrived. It hit him how pitiful it was for him to be here alone with just scraps of what he would have had, but it also felt like a bit of closure. It was another turning point - one that he was creating for himself.

A deep, body wrenching sob shook his form before he could stop it and that was all it took to open the flood gates of his emotions. He tucked his head down under his paws, hiding his face as his shoulders shook with silent sobs and tears stained his cheeks. He hadn't wanted his children to see him break so this felt like the only solution to let himself actually feel this loss so that he could refocus on where he was actually needed. He knew that there was a possibility that Azariah and Everlyse was still out there somewhere, but he had spent too much of his time and energy on trying to find them. There was still four children that desperately needed him and he had to let himself mourn the loss of his fiancé and daughter even if there was the chance that they might reappear in his life. This was the closing of a chapter and giving himself permission to move on even if the hope that his mate was alive and well would never really leave him.

Word count: 1172

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