The Hope That I Have Left

*Aranea* · 03-20-2021, 04:36 PM

Ulric's voice would come back to her, but she had shut down. She hadn't felt this way since she announced her pregnancy to Allegro. In fact, she may have felt worse now. Ulric had felt like he failed, and Aranea did too, but it was a thought she had buried deep under all the emotions she wanted to feel towards Ulric. It wasn't simply because she was with Ulric and felt like she was messing up his relationship with his children or their hope for their mother to return. It wasn't even the thought that she was betraying Allegro while she wanted to be with Ulric. All she thought she wanted was to be a great mother to make up for her mistakes for letting Tyranis take Rain, and letting Nuada turn up the way she had. And what she was burying was the fact that she hated herself for leaving her children, for risking her relationship with them by bedding with Ulric, and overall the fact that she would have much rather been under him than with them. She knew the truth of her nature, and she chose to ignore it. Even as the thoughts or fear and rejection and shame shut her down, she didn't want to think of what she was doing to her children in Abaven.

She couldn't find the strength in her to look back up at him. Allegro had seen bad but she didn't want anyone to see her like this. Once upon a time she was extremely selfish in another sense than what she was feeling now. She wanted others to pity her, to know what a horrible life she had, to want to tell her they were sorry for what had happened to her. She didn't feel that way anymore. She was embarrased by her depression, and she didn't want especially men to know what kind of vulnerability she shed. Her eyes still to the ground she tried to move past Ulric and out the door way, she didn't know what she was after in that moment. Probably just to get his eyes off her broken state.

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