Carried Away

While Cosette had been thrilled to have found Indigo and to have been brought home by him, with each passing day it became abundantly clear to her that she had not fully shaken the ghosts of her past. She noticed he had found another young, purple wolf with whom he spent much of his time with now, and she immediately began to withdraw. It wasn’t because she didn’t like the other girl, she hadn’t even met her to be able to form an opinion, but she found herself worried that he would forget about her. It would be easier if she could say it was her choice to walk away this time, rather than being left behind again. It was possible that she was being unfair, she had no claim over him, but she couldn’t deny the distinct pang in her chest when she realized what was happening. She knew she was nothing special. Her mother had made it very clear to her from a young age and despite his promise to never leave her behind, the nagging voice in the back of her mind never let her forget that her own family had abandoned her. So why wouldn’t he?

She had left the pack territory, feeling the need to get a little distance to think and breathe and try to detangle the mess of thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. So far, it had only amplified the renewed sense of loneliness though. It reminded her of being on her own again, made her wonder what would happen if Indigo really was tired of her. What if Resin decided to kick her out if her friend no longer vouched for her? She was letting her imagination run away from her and felt almost guilty for feeling the way she did, but it was impossible for her to shake the weight she felt pressing on her chest.

She was so deep in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice the gnarled root jutting from the ground and she suddenly found herself falling forward, her head smacking on a rock. It stung, but she knew the wound was only superficial. Regardless, she couldn’t find the strength in that moment to stand, and she began to cry. It was quiet at first. Soft sniffles escaping as she laid prone in the snow, but within moments she was sobbing. Heavy, chest trembling sobs. Images of her mother leaving her behind flooded her mind, and she was soon picturing Indigo in the woman’s place. Thoughts of what had been, and what she feared may be to come. It was too much for her to process and even though she knew she was being a child she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

It wasn’t until she heard the soft crunch of snow signaling someone’s approach that she finally lifted her head. It was a strange creature, something she’d never seen before, but it looked like some sort of massive rodent. The creature seemed to be moving towards her with intent, and so the tiny girl quickly pushed herself all the way up, ready to flee back to the Hallows. Luckily, though, the creature didn’t seem to be interested in causing her harm. The strange thing wore a worried frown and stopped just before her.

"Why do you weep like that, child? Surely your head can’t hurt that much." The voice was stern. Not overly harsh, but not particularly sympathetic either.

Cosette shook her head. The wound wasn’t that bad, but it had certainly pushed her over the edge. This was something she’d been holding in since long before she even met Indigo and it had finally all boiled over when her old insecurities were given new life. "No, I’m alright."

"Well you certainly don’t seem alright. Let me have a look." The stranger set down a small bag that Cosette hadn’t noticed before, and while she was wary of the stranger, she obeyed the command without much thought. “There’s a bit of swelling, but it’s nothing a little lambs ear can’t fix.” The strangers voice was a bit softer now, and her touch was gentle as she felt around the wound, pressing a bit of snow to the spot afterwards. “A bit of cold can be good for these things too.” There was a pause as the stranger stared at Cosette for a few moments, as if trying to figure something out. “It helps to talk about it. Whatever it is that made you cry so much, and I find strangers are often easier to talk to than those you have to face every day.”

The words made sense, and the girl could feel the words building in the back of her throat, but she feel foolish as she tried to imagine herself spilling those thoughts to the rodent that was treating her bumped head. She lowered her gaze, starting off slow. "I guess I’m just scared." She paused, glancing up to see an expectant gaze, the creature waiting for her to go on. "I’ve never been good enough, and I’ve found someone that makes me happy, and makes me feel safe. I’ve never felt that before, but I’m worried I’m not good enough and that he’ll leave like everyone else has. He’s all I have..."

Indigo wasn’t just some boy, and while she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought him to be very handsome, and perhaps the thought that maybe, possibly, someday he might be more than just simply her friend occasionally flitted through her mind, he was also the only thing in her life that made her feel grounded. It had only been a short time that she’d known him, but he was solid and real and he didn’t make her feel like a burden when she was with him. It was only when they were apart that the doubts crept in, and the more she pulled back the more those doubts rose in her mind. He had saved her and right about now she didn’t feel like she was worth being saved.

The stranger sighed, a gentle smile lifting the corners of her mouth. It was the expression she had seen other mothers give to the other children in her old pack when they needed comforting, a look she had never been on the receiving end of, and she felt a pang of longing in her chest at the reminder of all the things she had so desperately craved all her life. “I don’t know how you got to where you are, or what might happen next, but I can tell you this; You are what you make of yourself. If you decide to be good enough, then that is exactly what you are. Crying out here by yourself won’t make you feel better. If this boy makes you feel safe, you should talk to him about your worries and fears. The worst thing that can happen is that he confirms what you’re thinking and then you can go about moving on with your life and choosing a new path for yourself. You can’t do anything to change things that aren’t within your control, but you will have an easier time facing those challenges if you know what is to come.”

It was solid advice, even Cosette could see that, but she wasn’t sure if she would be able to put it to use. Talking meant being vulnerable in a way she wasn’t sure she could handle. Her mother had told her as a child that vulnerability was weakness, and weakness was not to be tolerated. What if opening up made everyone turn away from her for good? What if Indigo only liked her because she smiled all the time? And beyond all that, how could she explain how she was feeling without sounding crazy and jealous? The idea of trying to put to words what had brought her out here was mortifying, but she simply nodded along.

The stranger frowned, as if knowing that Cosette wasn’t ready to face her demons yet, a touch of sadness in her gaze. She had crushed the lambs ear and began placing it on the swollen scrape in contemplative silence, sitting back once she was finished. A few moments of silence passed before she reached into her bag again, pulling out a small bundle of lavender and setting it down in front of Cosette. “Take this with you, it will help with the ache in your heart. Only a little bit before bed. It will make you sleepy, but you don’t want to take too much.”

"I- Thank you..." The stranger's kindness had been so unexpected, the encounter leaving her feel more confused and numb than anything else. She still felt the shadow of grief, but as the stranger gave her a final nod before rising to leave, Cosette found herself rooted to the spot for several long minutes, thinking about everything that had transpired. She wasn’t sure how she felt, or what she would do when she returned to the pack, but she rose stiffly to her paws, picking up the bundle of lavender, before setting off on her way home. It felt too odd to remain sitting out there in the snow, but she also didn’t really feel like returning. Her cheeks were damp, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. It was plainly evident that she’d been crying, and she desperately hoped she wouldn’t run into anyone from the pack in this state. If she was lucky, she’d be able to slip back in, past the borders and find a quiet, secluded place to go to sleep early. She would try the lavender and see if it helped, but she doubted there was anything that could alleviate this persistent grief.