We Keep the Demons Down Below

Rudyard · 04-22-2021, 10:05 PM

Rudy could understand Art’s rage but he couldn’t touch those emotions himself. Rudy knew the emotions buried in would have anger as well as a myriad of other things. Still, if Art was going to rage then Rudy really had no choice but to remain calm. Art would always be the best to defend them both in a fight but Rudy was the one who would stay calm and control the tense situations. Well, those he could control. Right now it was mom who was in control, who had the answers they both needed.

Rudy swallowed back his own words of stating they needed her. They did but – there was no continuing that line of thought without facing unwanted answers. Mom killed Arts argument fast. No fixing the sickness. As she described a rope Rudy had a flashback to when mom taught him how to braid ropes to create a snare. He cast the memory aside before it could touch him emotionally. Art needed him calm, and perhaps in some way mom also?

Mom, Resin, had nearly killed mom, Tamsyn. What if mom had died saving Rudy from the herd of charging elk? What if Art had died in the coyote fight? The situations were both of Rudy’s making. How much worse to actually be the one who did the blow? What was the right thing to do in such a situation? The answer was sickening. Every list of possibilities kept going back to answers he didn’t like.

Rudy swallowed before he almost choked on his words. Calm. He had to be calm. Rudy would become alpha, even mom had made mention of such a thing, sort of. Rudy took a steady breath. “One of your children won’t be alpha. Two of them will be, supporting each other to balance strengths and weaknesses. They’ll take the job,” Rudy cut off as he had to take another shuddering breath, squeezing his eyes shut trying to break off tears. No, calm, confident. Mom’s weren’t fixing this. Mom’s fixed things but not this time. Well, in a sense mom was just not the way they wanted. “they’ll take it seriously and never forget any of your lessons. They’ll protect the family and all of the pack.”

Rudy would check on mom after this and then he would flee somewhere to let out all the barricaded emotions that were trying to slip out of his control. Somewhere no one would see. There was a back part of his mind that seemed to mock him, pointing out Resin didn’t want them to see her when she lacked control either. Pride, honor, things no one wanted to lose. Shit. There was another thought, one the young wolf hated himself for and wasn’t sure he could speak of. “Why though,” it wasn’t a finished sentence, just one he couldn’t say without another deep breath to master himself, “why wait for…” Could she understand the question with just that? Why wait for death? If there was nothing left to do in life then why suffer and grow worse? There was a pang of guilt that Rudy would even think of such a thing. Rudy hated himself.

He could ask the question in more ways. Was there hope she wasn’t telling them about and that was why she would live and wait? Could she simply not stand the idea of cheating and dying early? What would Art think? What would mom think? Would they be horrified he could think much less ask such a thing?

Rudy just imagined staying down here, no company, such madness as she mentioned, loss of hope. How much more could one suffer? Well, he’d offer mom a promise of them growing up strong and well. “I love you mom. I’m sorry.” Shit. The bubble of calm was slipping and he wanted to flee. At the same time Rudy didn’t want to leave and have this be the end. Rudy was carefully not looking at Art. Was his brother looking at him in horror at Rudy’s question. It was horrific but so was leaving Resin down here with nothing except time to wait for death and suffer. Rudy wouldn’t be a puppy anymore, he had to grow up now. Right now. He’d be hiding somewhere to cry as soon as he was done faking calm. Well, sort of faking, sort of failing.

"Say goodbye Art," the words whispered softly, "whatever else also." Would his brother listen? Rudy couldn't look at him so only words would be an answer now.

"Rudyard"

Login
Username:
Password:	Lost Password?
	Remember me