The Secrets That You Keep

Tamsyn’s ears pinned against her skull when Artorias approached her, brushing so gently against her side, carefully licking away the tears from her face. He was too good for this cruel world. He was so much more than she could ever have ever hoped for her son to be. She wanted to be the one to be able to support him and protect him - him and all of his siblings. More and more she was beginning to feel like she couldn’t. She had given every last ounce of herself already and there was nothing left. Every time anything happened that trudged up old trauma or hurt it broke her. There was no time to heal because she never stopped hurting.

She scoffed when he told her that it was going to be okay, knowing that it was a lie. A sweet lie, but a lie none of the less. How could anything be okay when her mate was fracturing apart at the seams and she had strained the only other friendship she had in this world? She let him put his foreleg around her shoulders and pull her away from the brick that was holding her upright, instead bringing her to lean into his side. When had he gotten so big? Where did her little fuzz balls go? She remembered how terrified she had been when Resin helped her realize that she was pregnant and now she would do anything to go back to that moment. That fear felt like nothing compared to this feeling of her heart being ripped away from her chest.

”Did something happen...?” She couldn’t help but give a quiet, broken laugh at her son’s question, blinking her eyes open and looking down toward the stone under her paws while she leaned her head against him. It felt like it would be easier to say what hadn’t happened at this point. But how much should - or could - she tell Artorias? How poorly would be look at her if she told him the truth? Where did she even begin? By now her sobbing had calmed noticeably, tapering off into the occasional shuttering sigh and sniffle. As much as she hated that he was here, his steadying presence did help. He was more of a strong pillar than she could ever be. "I... I made a mistake,” she told him softly with a heavy sigh. Meeting his eyes felt impossible. The shame was too much.

Gods, how did she even begin to explain? "Do you... Do you remember when I told you about what having a crush is like? And how you’ll know when you found the one?" Surely he would, but she hoped that would at least give him enough context to begin to understand. "I found that twice... I obviously found that in Resin, but... but also in Sirius." She couldn’t look at him, she didn’t want to know what his expression was. "I never would have pursued anything with him. He was married long before I met him. But the feelings were still there - I just hid them and never told a soul."

“But... Yesterday... I went to talk to Sirius after they finished patching him up after your fight. We were both so exhausted that we ended up falling asleep next to each other. He had a nightmare - he didn’t hurt me, but I guess just in his panic and worry that he had and... I don’t know... maybe relief that he hadn’t... He kissed me and...” Her ears fell back again and she looked off over the edge of the tower, her stomach churning and squeezing with guilt. “It brought back all those old memories and feelings. I thought...” Gods how could she have been so stupid? “I told him. I told him that I had always loved him.” She was furious with herself for thinking that maybe, just maybe, he could have been feeling the same things, that maybe he could see past Zee for just a moment...

She gave a hard shake of her head, turning her gaze back toward the stone in front of their paws. “Of course, he didn’t agree. Told me that he couldn’t.” It had always been Zee. Fierce, platonic love. “But by that point I just... I just felt so, so hurt and guilty. I felt like I had to tell Resin. Even if I hadn’t initiated it, I still felt so, so guilty. So I went to tell her just a little bit ago...” Her breathing hitched as she thought about it. That awful, heart wrenching, raspy laugh. They couldn’t even wait until we were dead. “She’s... She’s slipping more. Wasn’t herself. She... Oh Resin...” Her words devolved into hurt wines, her eyes squeezing shut again. She’d do anything to have her Resin back. Anything in the entire world.

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"