The Secrets That You Keep

Hearing Artorias tell her how they had to continue to be strong and hold true till they were on the other side only made her feel tired. Maybe she'd feel different about it in a day or two once the sting of seeing Resin begin to fracture in front of her began to fade, but right now, in this moment, the thought of trying to hold it together for even a minute longer was exhausting. She understood what he was trying to do though so she wouldn't hold it against him and she continued to be thankful that her son had grown into such a strong young man, but she couldn't bring herself to do more than give him a small nod as he spoke and pulled her into another embrace.

Then came the part of her story that she didn't want to have to explain. She wished that she hadn't told him about Sirius, but it was one of those things that she just had to get out of her mind, out into the universe so it could begin to dissipate and hopefully release her from its clutches. She needed to talk it out with someone and her very limited list of friends and family only gave her so many options. Artorias just happened to fall into her lap at the moment when she was at her weakest so she had allowed herself to over share with the poor boy. His hardened tone and accusing questions were absolutely justified and she just allowed it to fuel her guilt, reminding her why a life with Sirius could and should never happen, forcing her wayward heart to match up with her brain.

His question of if she loved Sirius more than Resin hit her hard, squeezing at her chest painfully. She decided to start there, knowing that was the worst of the bunch "No... No, I don't love him more than Resin," she told him, becoming more sure of the words once she said them out loud, finally allowing herself to look up at his confused, pained face. Resin had locked herself away in a dungeon as punishment when she attacked her. Tamsyn would punish herself for this betrayal by forcing herself to face the hurt in her family's faces as they discovered what she had done. "It's just... different. They both mean a lot to me, but your Mom and I have shared so much together and she will always have the biggest, most important part of my heart." She knew it would all be so hard for him to understand and she hardly understood it herself so it felt like blind leading the blind.

"I know it doesn't make sense... But Sirius didn't do it consciously. The same way he hadn't meant to hurt Briar and you hadn't meant to hurt Sirius as badly as you did. Wolves to a lot of crazy things when they're under a lot of stress or emotion. He did know better and right after it happened he immediately apologized." Did that make it any better? She wasn't sure. "I... I kissed him back for similar reasons. It's so hard to explain, but..." A shaky sigh passed her lips and she glanced away from him again, guilt and hurt written across her face. "Knowing that I'm going to lose Resin... It just makes this huge hole in my heart. After spending every day of my life with her for so long I'm just..." Just what? Lonely? Lonely didn't really begin to describe how she was feeling. "I was too desperate to feel something besides heartbreak that all of my common sense just went out the window and... All those feelings from a long, long time ago popped back up again. Once you feel like that towards someone... It never really goes away. It just gets buried."

It was a terrible excuse, but it was the best one she had. "It's not okay to do what I did... I'm not saying that it is," she emphasized, lifting her eyes to look at him. The last thing she wanted was for his future relationships to be strained because he looked back on this moment and thought that it was fine to kiss anyone. Her situation was strange and strained and painful and that was hard to get across in just words. "Even if Resin is lost to me now she is still my mate for at least a little while longer... I... I shouldn't have let my pain and heartache get the best of me... It was a mistake and I'm sorry..."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"