The Secrets That You Keep

She sighed softly when he pressed her about why she had kissed Sirius, why she had done it if it wasn't the right thing to do. It was so incredibly difficult to explain and she knew she was contradicting herself when she said these things. She also knew he would probably never understand, or at least not right now, so all she could do was try and be honest with him and maybe try to teach him that not everything was black and white in the process. Sometimes life was many shades of gray and her life certainly had lived in that space a lot lately.

"I wouldn't have kissed him if he hadn't kissed me first," she told him honestly, her gaze returning to his face again whether he was looking at her or not. She didn't want to defend herself. She wanted to let him be angry with her, blame her, make her feel every ounce of the guilt she deserved. But, at the same time, if she somehow managed to drive a larger wedge between herself and her son and lost another of the very few wolves she held dear she wasn't sure what she would do. Her children were one of the very few things that kept her somewhat in one piece. She couldn't lose her little blueberry. "And it never would have happened on its own. It was only because he was so caught up in his confusion from his nightmare and it happened to catch me off guard with my emotions worn so thin with everything that has been going on... I know it won't make sense, I'm sorry, I... I don't know how to explain how all of this has felt." Her ears fell back against her head, but she didn't let her gaze drop this time, no matter how much she wanted to. She hoped he never had to experience this kind of pain and she hoped that he would never fully understand how it felt to be so desperate for any kind of emotion that wasn't pain that he'd be willing to go to these kinds of lengths to find relief.

When he questioned her about going right back to Sirius after Resin died, her brow creased with hurt at the accusation, her ears pinned against her skull. "No. No, I... I set hard boundaries with him afterward. It's not going to happen again," she told him with a frown. She didn't tell him how she had mostly done it for her own self preservation, how she knew that Sirius would always chose Zee, how she knew she would never measure up to what Zee was in his mind. Yes, she had loved him once and somewhere in her heart those emotions still thrived, but... She knew it could never be. She wouldn't risk the friendship they had and she wouldn't risk getting herself hurt, no matter how much her heart disagreed. The kiss had been a moment of weakness... she wouldn't allow herself to fall into it again.

"What did mom say...?" A pained look crossed her face and she looked down away from Artorias again. That was what hurt her most. Falling for Sirius' kiss, realizing what she had done, knowing that he could never love her - all of that had hurt. It had hurt more than she could ever describe. But facing Resin, seeing her mind breaking apart in front of her, hearing that hoarse laugh... that had hurt far worse. That had pierced right though what ever piece of herself had still remained whole through this mess and had sent her running up to the tower for some kind of escape. "She... I got two different answers... from two different Resins..." she told him softly. "At first she just... she just laughed this awful, awful laugh and said... 'They couldn’t even wait until we were dead.' Then she growled and seemed to come to and... and then she said that she was as good as gone, to find comfort where I could, that I had her blessing. After that she just said that I should go and that she was slipping again and... and that's when I ran up here."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"