The Secrets That You Keep

Seeing his pained gaze drop away from hers, hearing him tell her how he just wanted her to be happy, that hit her hard. This whole time she had tried her best to remove herself from her children when she couldn't keep it together so that they wouldn't need to worry about her, but it seemed like Artorias specifically had seen much more of how broken she really was than she had ever wanted him to. And then he told her how he wished she didn't have to do these things to feel something and that hit her hardest of all. There was a common thread to all of the things she had thrown herself into since Resin's attack that she hadn't let herself consider, but her son had noticed. She knew she had slipped back into the dark place she had been so long ago when she was going through the abuse her father put her through, but she hadn't realized just how true that was or the fact that it had possibly gotten worse than it had been since then. She wanted the pain to stop and she hadn't paused long enough to consider the fact that by throwing herself into all of these situations she was pushing herself to the very point that she was trying to keep Sirius from reaching.

She tried to bite back her own inner thoughts as they tried to refuse each thing that Artorias told her. She didn't feel like they needed her. She didn't feel like she should be the most important thing in their lives. She didn't see herself as anything - much less someone they should cling to. Despite how small and insignificant she felt, Artorias seemed insistent that she was more than that and she wanted to believe he was right. More tears pooled in her eyes as emotion choked her, catching a small glimpse of the shining tears in Artorias' eyes before he managed to look away from her. If she hadn't already been punched in the gut with overwhelming emotion before, his last questions for her were the final blow. It broke her to know he even had a reason to consider these things and made her feel like she had utterly failed him as his mother.

She quietly lifted a paw to his cheek, gently turning his head toward her before resting her other paw on his opposite cheek to hold him there, making him look her in the eye. "I'm never going to leave you. I don't want to miss a minute of your life for the rest of my days. You and your siblings are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I wouldn't trade any of you for the world." Even with tears still in her eyes, she gave him a sad smile and dropped her paws from his cheeks so that she could wrap her forelegs around him, pulling him into an embrace. Once upon a time she would have tucked his head unto her neck and held him like that, but he was far too big for her to do that now. "When did you get so tall?!" she questioned with a laugh that was choked by tears, leaning her head into his shoulder instead. "My blueberry all grown up... Where did all the time go?" She didn't really expect an answer to any of her questions, she just couldn't believe that they were nearly a year old already. It felt like their childhoods had just slipped right past her and she would do anything to rewind time so she could see them all as little fuzz balls again.

She was quiet for a while as she held him tightly, refusing to let her boy go. "I'm not going to leave you," she told him again, her mind working through things as she looked out over the landscape in front of them. "Not for Sirius, not for anyone..." Something else he had said came back to her, about her being "free to" go back to Sirius after Resin passes and while she certainly didn't want to do that and she wasn't sure when she'd be ready to love anyone else again, all of this had taught her that she didn't do well with being alone. She craved that companionship, that attention and affection. "Artorias... One day, I might meet someone else that I want to love. It won't be Sirius - I know we're not right for each other. We are close friends, but we'd just end up hurting each other if we were anything more. But... I just need you to know that if or when I do try to find another partner it's not because I'm trying to leave you or your siblings. I'm not trying to replace Resin, I'm just..." She squeezed him in her arms, hoping he might be able to understand even a little bit of what she was telling him. "I'm just lonely. And I want to find someone that you'll approve of, someone we can add to our family."

"Tamsyn" | "Blue"