Facing my choices

Ulric lingered at the door, his ears perking when he heard her voice call back to him. He heard a bit of movement from the other side of the door so he waited till she opened it for him. He tried to keep some of the strain and conflict off of his face for her, but he wasn't entirely sure if he was successful. "I'm sorry to bother you..." he said quietly, not waiting to disturb anyone that might be sleeping in the rooms near hers. "I just... I didn't know who else to talk to and I really need another opinion. May I come in?" He waited for her to agree and allow him to walk past her, pulling the door closed behind him. He walked further into the room before he settled on his haunches, his ears flicking uncertainly. He didn't want to have to admit his failures to Eska, but he supposed she'd find out sooner or later and he'd rather it come form him.

"A couple of months after my mate disappeared I forced myself to stop searching for her," he explained, figuring he might as well start from the beginning. "I felt like I wasn't giving my children the attention they needed and that's also when Resin asked me if I would take over the pack from her so I had to really start focusing and preparing for that." If only he had known just how soon he'd have to act on that promise. "I started talking to one of the healers that used to live here. Aranea. I knew she had children that lived in a different pack with their father, but she never made it seem like her and this other man were together so I kept talking to her and... and I gave in. I started sleeping with her." He sighed heavily, his ears pinning against his head as he glanced away from her, his own shame and self loathing rising to the surface. He'd never admit that she had played a large role in seducing him. He should have been stronger, had more restraint.

"The father came to visit with her children during the spring. Seeing them together, seeing how hurt and awkward her children were around their mother that they never saw, even just seeing them from a distance... It made me feel like I was coming between them. I was giving her too much reason to stay here instead of visiting them. The father gave her an ultimatum that if she wanted to be in their lives then she needed to move to their pack in the summer. I forced her to take it. I told her to leave." He looked down at the floor between them. Now they reached the point where he had truly messed up. Anything else could probably be explained away, but this was truly a moment of weakness that he regretted. "The night she was supposed to leave she came to my room. At that point I hadn't slept well in weeks because I had just taken over the pack and Resin was sick and my son was worrying me more and more and... She wanted one more time and I gave it to her. And she left."

His jaw tensed and he looked out the open window, swallowing hard as he thought about how he had found Aranea on the edge of the lake. "I found her today," he admitted, his voice a hard whisper. "She... She's pregnant. Or was at least. I don't know. She tried... She tried to kill them and herself. Tried to overdose on some drug. She was delirious when I found her and there was just so much blood..." His eyes squeezed closed for a moment, pulling in a shaky breath. "I didn't know what to do. I brought her back here because I didn't know what was going on or what she had done. Gwynevere treated her, got her stable. The truth came out of what she had been trying to do... Those pups..." He sighed again and forced his gaze back to hers. "I told her to leave, that I didn't want her here. She said that two of them are still alive, that Gwynevere can confirm it. I... I still told her that she needs to leave. That I need her out of the castle. I did tell about some dens that are in the near by gardens that she should stay in and that I'd send Gwynevere to help with the birth when it was time, offered to have meals sent to her, but just... Just thinking about her being here made my blood boil. I couldn't do it."

He looked down again, shame written clearly across his face. Even though this was a woman that he felt had used him, was entirely delusional, and had killed these children that he was fairly certain were his... He had still sent a sick, pregnant woman with suicidal tendencies out of the castle on her own. He couldn't make it sit right with himself even though he had thought it was the right thing to do. "Do you think I did the right thing?" he asked softly after a moment. "Should I go try to bring her back?"

Ulric Adravendi