Facing my choices

There was a pause while Eska seemed to consider the situation he was in. There was no easy answer and he knew that. No matter what he chose to do it was going to hurt. He watched her face and waited to see what she would recommend. He trusted her judgement. She was an intelligent woman and in their time together he had already begun to rely on her more and more to bounce ideas off of and help him work through his muddled thoughts. When she let out a long, measured sigh he braced himself for the possibility that she might turn the blame on him because in his mind that was what he deserved. It's what his inner thoughts always told him. She questioned if the children were his and uncertainty crossed his face, but he still nodded all the same. If he was being honest he couldn't be sure what Aranea had done before or after she left The Hallows, but he was at least moderately certain she hadn't been with anyone else before they were together that last night so there was a very strong possibility that these were his children.

Hearing her talk about how the poison might have affected the remaining children wrenched at his heart and pain crossed his expression, but he managed to keep his gaze on hers. It was something he didn't want to consider, but he knew he had to think of that possibility. That the two remaining pups could be dead by the time they made it to their birth or perhaps worse. It had been easier to write it all off when he believed that they were all dead and now that there was a possibility, now that Aranea had planted that seed of hope... She didn't blame him in the end and in fact did just the opposite. She put so much blame on Aranea that she suggested that she could go eliminate the problem at the source, saying how Aranea didn't deserve to live. It was a possibility that he had been too soft, too kind, to really consider, though it did cross his mind for a brief moment in those initial waves of rage. The fact that Eska was willing to do that for him was touching in its own grim way, though he didn't know if he could really put that duty on her shoulders - no matter how willing she seemed to do it.

He glanced down at her paw as she rested it on top of his, his ears turned toward her to listen as she spoke of him and how he felt and easing his conscience. As she spoke of how she would stand beside him either way his expression softened, his larger paw that was resting under hers turning over to gently squeeze her paw. He let out a slow breath through his nose, finally bringing his tired gaze up to hers. "Sometimes I wish I didn't feel so deeply. It feels like more of a burden than a help," he told her softly, his ears falling back against his head. His entire life, he had always felt so deeply and passionately about everything he did. He went in to things with his heart first and logic second. That's how he had gotten himself in this situation in the first place. He had allowed his aching, broken heart to make his decisions for him instead of listening to the logic behind not getting involved with a woman who clearly couldn't be trusted.

"Aranea has made her bed, it's not that I care about what happens to her in the end, but... But if those pups are mine, if they live..." He winced, his expression pained at the idea of seeing them die. Very little affected him more than pups, especially his own. He sighed, giving her an apologetic look as he squeezed her paw again. "Eska, I'm sorry... I... You don't deserve to be pulled into this. I hope this doesn't ruin things between us." He sighed and let her paw slip from his, his gaze shifting away from hers. "I understand if you don't want to pursue anything with me after all of this mess." He knew that there was nothing appealing about stepping into a relationship with him when he had four children that were still coping with their mother abandoning them and now to bring potentially two more children into his already messed up, struggling family... A thought dawned on him and his eyes squeezed shut, hurt crossing his expression. "Gods, I'm going to have to tell my kids... My son hated me after he caught me with Aranea the first time and now this..."

Ulric Adravendi