Find your comforts

Tamsyn smiled softly when he gave his sympathies for what she had been through, giving another small shrug. She knew she wasn't the only one to suffer injustices and she knew there were plenty of others that had suffered even more than she had. Even her own sister in law had raped again and again by her brother so even wolves coming from similar situations could suffer differently or worse. She didn't necessarily try to minimize the trauma she endured, but she didn't like to bring attention to it either unless someone was genuinely curious the way he was. Otherwise she tried to just pretend that it never happened. She felt like a different wolf than she had been back then and she was fine leaving it that way. She leaned into his touch when he nuzzled the top of her head and placed a kiss between her ears, his affection making her genuine smile return in earnest.

At the suggestion that he tell her about his families beliefs instead and she looked up at him with interest, nodding eagerly. She was throughly enjoying listening to all of the layers and pieces of his life as they were revealed to her so she was sure this was no exception. She readily closed her eyes and smiled when she felt his paw over hers. As he spoke, he painted a vivid scene behind her eyelids with his story that completely captured her attention. The universal energy of the universe, a huge mass of energy like the sun. A small, white female and a massive, burly male. Life and Death. She smiled as she imagined these two wolves together, bound to the universe and to each other, a mated pair. It was hard to not think about Resin in that moment, her mate that was now lost to her, but she quickly ignored the thought to focus on his story instead. She liked thinking about Life being the mother of the wolves that lived here now, taking a piece of herself each time she brought another into the world. Perhaps she resonated with that more than Kane might because that was genuinely what it felt like being a mother. A little piece of herself and her heart went with each of her children.

Her smile shifted into a concerned frown when he described how Life gave too much of herself away, causing herself to become weak despite Death pleading with her to stop. That smile returned though as he went on to explain how Death would collect the energy from the wolves that passed to bring it back into the universe, creating the cycle of energy so that Life could continue to create. It was a beautiful story and it started to shift and change how she thought about death, making her question the pain and loss she felt from Resin's death as he spoke. She felt Kane shift a bit, but she kept her eyes closed, still picturing these two wolves who were opposites, but two pieces of the same whole. She had always known that death was inevitable, but to think about the possibility that it wasn't really an end, but instead fed into a larger universe to continue the cycle of life... It was a far more comforting way to think about what she had so recently experienced.

Emotion had already been welling up in her chest when she felt his paw gently move her chin, tipping her head up toward the sky. She did as he said and blinked open her eyes, finding herself looking up at an expanse of glittering stars. She looked at those stars that he described as all of the spirits that had gone back to the universe, watching over them, the reason for the prayers and howls he did. She stared at those stars with a strange mix of emotion and peace, a heavy lump in her throat as she thought about Resin being one of those stars watching them. She had never really been one to lean on spiritual things like this, but after being worn down to nothing the way she had been over the last few months it almost felt like any sort of small comfort or reframing of her thoughts was a blessing.

She glanced at him when he asked if she wanted to try singing with him, blinking away the small tears that had formed in her eyes without realizing it. He was a fantastic story teller, his deep, soothing voice leading and guiding her effortlessly through each part of the story and making it easy to believe. She nodded in agreement after a moment and followed his lead, lifting her muzzle toward the sky again to let her howl join his this time, her ears falling back against her head as more tears collected in her eyes. It was a low, mournful sound, but it did make her chest feel a little lighter when they were done. She missed Resin every single day. It was still hard to lay in their bed or even be in their room without her. It was hard to walk around the castle and see places where she would usually find Resin and not find her there. Thinking about Resin no longer having to suffer, knowing that she had died fighting for them instead of locked in a cell, imagining her as a star in the sky instead of lost to an unknown void... It was comforting. It let her pull a smile onto her lips as she leaned her head into Kane's neck, nuzzling thankfully into his fur.

She was quiet for a while after that, just absorbing everything that he had told her and replaying the story in her mind over and over. It made her think of all the times that she had been near death and all of the times she had thought about taking her own life. She had often wondered as a young wolf why she couldn't just die and escape the torment and now she wondered if Kane's story was true. Had Death been watching her, deciding that it wasn't her time again and again? She sighed softly as she pulled herself back to the present, nuzzling her face into his neck again, finding so much comfort in his warmth and his presence. She hadn't meant to find comfort from her mourning in him, but somehow that's what it had became. She realized that it was now her turn to share again and she started trying to pick a part of her life that she could reveal to him in exchange. It wouldn't be anything nearly as beautiful or thoughtful as the story of his family's beliefs, but she liked sharing with him. She liked seeing his reactions and almost explaining in a way why she was the way she was.

He knew the story behind the scar on her neck, how her father had put her close to death and sent her away, so she decided to pick up from there and move away from the darker events of her younger years. "After I got away from my family," she began softly, still leaning into him heavily and looking up toward the stars. "I started traveling and searching for... something. I didn't really know what I was looking for. I didn't trust anyone and I was afraid of any of my family finding me again so I just kept moving and traveling until I ended up in Boreas. I was very suicidal back then. I thought about dying a lot. I didn't know how to defend myself or take care of myself because I had never been allowed to learn. I never got up the courage to actually attempt to take my life, but I thought about it nearly every day." She scoffed softly at herself, giving a small shake of her head. "All throughout my pup hood I thought I wanted to get out and away from my family. I thought if I could do that then I wouldn't want to die any more. Somehow, after I did get away, I almost wanted to die more. But I started exploring more, started figuring out how to hunt small game that at least kept me fed well enough. It got a little easier to be on my own, but I was still afraid."

She paused, thinking of one of the most pivotal moments in her life, her gaze distant as she thought about it. "One night I was on a cliff, walking along the edge. Imagining what it might be like if I just tipped over a little bit more to one side. That's when a lady named Zee found me. She coaxed me back away from the edge, took me back to her pack, gave me a home. Living in the Armada saved me. Zee's husband Sirius taught me to fight and defend myself. That's where I met Resin, where we fell in love. I got to be a General and a teacher..." She grinned a little glancing at him with a chuckle. "Me. Teaching others how to fight. I thought Sirius was crazy when he gave me the job." Tamsyn shook her head softly and laughed, remembering the first training she had taught back then. She'd been so uncertain and so insecure. But she had loved it and Resin had been so supportive. "The first training I led I remember Resin coming up to kiss me in front of everyone and I had been so embarrassed and flustered by it! We had just gotten together so even kisses were still very new to me and it just caught me off guard. But I loved it. I loved her." She gave Kane a sad smile, looking up into those handsome hazel eyes, knowing he would understand.

Tamsyn Carpathius