Break my heart

Even if it was only a minute or two before Iroh appeared, every second felt like a lifetime. There was a certain, undeniable dread that settled over her after she called for him, a sadness so deep that it turned her stomach. She kept her forelegs wrapped across her eyes as if she could ignore everything that was happening while she sobbed and tears stained her cheeks, imagining that this was just another nightmare and everything was fine. It wasn't really until she felt Iroh's form settle behind her, wrapping her up and pulling her close, that she realized this was no longer a nightmare. This was real, this pain was real, the smell of blood was real. She grasped onto his foreleg like it could be the anchor to keep her from sinking and pressed her face into the upper part of his leg near his shoulder while his chest pressed to her back.

She was unaware of Sarabi moving around the den, gathering supplies. She was too lost in her own heartache, the loss feeling unbearable and heavy in her chest. "Iroh..." she whispered back, her voice choked with tears while inconsolable sobs shook her. Occasionally the pain and discomfort of a contraction would cut through her sobs and make her tense a whine, silently willing her body to stop this, to stop rejecting their precious children, to stop taking away the thing that had brought them both so much joy. A few moments later she realized Sarabi was standing over her and she pulled her face away from Iroh's fur long enough to look up at the primate, shifting her gaze unwillingly to the herbs she was offered. Whatever it was, she was sure it was meant to help the process along. She logically understood that there was no helping them now. Their babies. There was nothing she could do to help them now and never in her life had she ever felt this helpless or this empty.

Elise grit her teeth as another contraction gripped her, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment till it passed, and then she dipped her muzzle reluctantly to take the treatments that Sarabi brought. The plants tasted bitter and grassy in her mouth, but she barely tasted them. Everything felt distant and numb, but also somehow so painful and terrible at the same time. She burrowed herself back into Iroh's dark fur and cried while she was forced to let nature run its course, her instincts making her push out the puppies that had only just begun to take on any sort of recognizable shape. It was all little more than a bloody mess, but it was undeniable what it was at the same time. She refused to look, holding on to one small shred of sanity. She felt a deep guilt for hiding from her problems like this, forcing Iroh and Sarabi to face the horror for her, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't find the strength to do anything more than cling to her mate and hide from the world while she passed their sweet pups out of her body.

Everything else was a blur. She didn't know how long it took or how or who cleaned everything away. At some point she mentally shut down. She only really began to come to when it was all over and she was facing her mate now, pressed into Iroh's chest and curled into him, hiding away from this cruel world that she no longer wanted to be a part of. She was exhausted and heartbroken, but she didn't feel like she could cry any more tears. She simply laid there still for a while, holding onto this man that had become her rock, depending on him to keep her from completely shattering apart. At some point it started to get dark outside, filling the den with colors of orange and red as the sun set. "I'm sorry," she finally managed, her voice rough and hoarse from crying. She didn't even really know what she was apologizing for. For shutting down like she had? For losing their pups? For causing this heartache? All of it? It was just the only thing she could think of to say, but even that didn't feel right.

Elise Adravendi