Break my heart

Hearing him say that it wasn't her fault felt like a lie. She couldn't piece together how she couldn't have caused this. As they laid there she picked apart everything she did between the day she realized she was pregnant to now and she desperately tried to find something else to blame besides herself but she couldn't. Where else could she place the blame than with herself? It wasn't like someone had attacked her or given her something that could cause this. But at the same time, she hadn't done anything super strenuous - just some general exploring around the pack or walking with Iroh on patrols occasionally. She hadn't even left the pack's borders since she found out. "I love you too," she whispered in return with her face still tucked into his chest, trying to find some solace in the fact that he was still here, that she had him to lean on, how sweet and gentle his kisses were as they graced her cheek. He was the good in her life, the one wolf that had stuck by her and proven time and time again that he truly loved her.

Somehow that made this hurt even more. She didn't know how to fight very well, she wasn't trained to be a healer, she wasn't a super strong hunter. She had gotten pretty profecient at navigating, but that didn't do much good when she stuck to the area around their den so closely. She had gotten into crafting things a bit more since joining Aerie, but even that could only be so helpful or productive without leaving the pack to go trade the things she made. She had convinced herself that if she could at least get them the family that they wanted so badly, make him a father like his family wanted, then she could feel accomplished. She could feel like she contributed something to building a life that they wanted. And yet she had failed at even that.

She was disappointed, but that didn't really feel like it scratched the surface. Disappointed felt like too light of a word. However, out of all this sorrow a thought crossed her mind that made genuine anger sit in the pit of her stomach. She thought about what it would have been like if they had already told his family and the rest of the pack that they were expecting. What if they had told them only to have to turn around and admit to them that she had lost their pups? At first the thought filled her with dread and made her wonder if she could ever face them again after that, but then she was just angry. She was angry that she had to worry about their opinions and their judgement when not a single one of them had tried to get to know her. She had gone looking for someone to speak with or talk to several times since she came here and eventually she just gave up. She still remembered the looks Eligos had given her when Iroh introduced her, the looks of doubt and uncertainty. Was that why no one had tried to talk to her? Because they didn't think she was good enough for Iroh?

Admittedly her thoughts spiraled far more than they ever would in a less heart shattering situation, but right now when there was nothing left of her patience or will to keep herself afloat it was easier to see things how they really were, how alone they were even though they had a home and a family around them. She was quiet for a while, letting her thoughts race as she hid in the dark fur of her mate, letting his embrace surround her and block out the world that kept trying to creep in on her. It took a while, but eventually she lifted her head from his chest, bringing her tired sapphire eyes up to his as her mismatched ears fell back against her skull. "Iroh... I... I don't want to live here any more," she said softly. She felt empty and raw and she finally just spoke the words that she had been trying to avoid for months. "I don't... I don't feel like I'm welcome here. I don't know where I want to go, but I don't want to be here."

Elise Adravendi