Douse This Fire

It seemed like no matter what she ever said to him, whether it was the day they met when she'd tried to get him to leave her alone or now when she was trying to show him how she could at least be partly to blame for her life's circumstances, Ezra just outright refused to listen to her. Gods be damned, why did he have to be so fucking stubborn?! Syanna didn't pull away from him, instead leaning gratefully into his bigger forehead with her own while she used him to keep her upright. She felt so tired—tired of being defensive, tired of wearing a facade to protect herself, tired of feeling the shame weighing her down. Ezra delicately danced around the question he didn't want to ask, and while she appreciated his concern for her, Syanna knew sooner or later she would have to share her story with him if they were going to continue being near one another. If she didn't, it would eat her alive, constantly keeping her on edge and destroying her from the inside. If not now, then when would she...?

With a deep, shaky sigh, Syanna closed her eyes and began.

"The pack I came from was very misogynistic in its beliefs. The brutes held all the power, ran every part of the pack, dictated and enforced the rules, provided for everyone. The faes, we were expected to be obedient, nurturing housekeepers for our men. We would be expected to keep them satisfied, fulfill their every desire, raise their children and grow families, everything they were too important to do. The only value a fae held was in her appearance. The more beautiful the girl, the more highly envied she was by other families' young men. Yearling faes were treated like commodities, traded off for goods, ranks, social status, you name it... That's all we were good for. My father bought very heavily into this system, which is why he was ecstatic when I was born. Can you imagine having a daughter who looked like me? I was the only wolf in the pack with this orange fur, so he treated me like an ace up his sleeve. He and my mother tried to force their lessons onto me, about being a good little wife to my future husband, to behave and do as I was told. My sister ate it up, and my brother lavished in his freedom as a male. But me... I rebelled. I didn't want that life. I wanted to explore and practice medicine and do my own thing. I didn't want to be someone's trophy just to get pregnant and ignore until he wanted more kids. I wanted a real life."

Syanna sighed and shook her head, slowly opening saddened emerald eyes while she hung her head and peered down at the grass around her feet. "My father was a guard in the pack—what you all call Knights. But he wanted more. He wanted to be the alpha's personal guard. So he offered me to the alpha's son, a boy the same age I was, but so much bigger than me. Of course, he accepted, and I was forced into a betrothal for an arranged marriage when I hit my first season. But that wasn't soon enough for that entitled little shit. He began spending all his time around me, hounding me, smothering me and trying to control me. Telling me where I could go, who I could talk to, what I could and couldn't do. I saw glimpses of what life with him would be like in those times, and I hated it!" Syanna's eyes narrowed, a flash of pain flickering through her gaze while she turned away from Ezra, facing the pool of water and doing her best not to stare at her own reflection in the process.

"Just shortly after our first birthdays, he cornered me alone in his den and demanded I show him 'what he was going to enjoy for the rest of his life'. He tried to force himself on me, but I resisted. I told him exactly what I thought of him, what a little fucking asshole he was, how I'd never submit to him and I'd be the worst mistake he ever made. Do you know what he did? He laughed. He fucking laughed right in my face, said I had quite a mouth on me, and he knew what to do about that." Syanna paused, the memories replaying in her head as vividly as if the incident had happened just the day before. Her body tensed when she remembered the sound of his laughter, the feeling of his paws and body on hers, his smell in her nose. It still made her feel sick.

"He forced himself into my mouth first. Kept me from biting down on him with a paw on my jaw while he..." She cringed and couldn't finish her thought. Ezra would get the idea, no doubt. "But that wasn't enough for him. He tried to hold me down next, tried to violate me further. So I fought him, screaming for help. He just laughed more and told me nobody gave a fuck about me, that I was just some fae meant to be used. I got so fucking pissed, I... I managed to bite his shoulder hard enough to get him off me. Then I... I bit his balls until I felt them tear off. He screamed the entire time, and it felt so fucking good. It felt like I was in control of my own life for the first time."

A dark smile crossed Syanna's lips while she thought of how he'd screamed and bled when she's permanently maimed her rapist. At least he'd never hurt another fae like that again. "He fainted from the pain and I ran for my life. He was the alpha's son. I knew that if anyone found out what I'd done, they'd kill me. So I ran home in tears, looking for my father to help protect me and make things right. But when I told him what had happened, he... he snapped... Called me an ungrateful whore. Told me it was my fault I was raped for not just obeying my man, that I'd ruined his chances at a better life, that I deserved the punishment I'd get. That was when he... started hitting and biting me..." Syanna's words drifted off as her voice died in her throat. She reached a paw up to her neck, as if she could still feel her father's teeth searching for the veins that would end her life. "He tried to kill me for shaming and dishonoring him, for ruining my family's name... I managed to escape and I just... I ran, and I ran, and I didn't stop until my legs gave out. I blacked out, and when I came to it was morning and I was all alone in some forest I'd never been before."

Syanna's paw drooped down her chest until it met the ground again. She was quiet for a few moments, just listening to the sounds of the falls and the songbirds in nearby trees. Tears had begun to run down her face again as the emotional catharsis proved to be too much for her. She couldn't turn to face Ezra again, still far too afraid of his reactions. "That's why I've been avoiding you, and any man, really. I've always been afraid of bigger brutes, and of my first heat, afraid that it'll provoke males to act the way he did and there'd be nothing I could do to stop it. That maybe I'd be bringing on another attack if I was near anyone like this, and that maybe... maybe that boy was right... That all I'm good for is being used." Syanna's ears folded to her skull and her tail drooped, shoulders slumped while she gave a weak laugh and finally turned back to Ezra with a forced smile on her face despite the tear stains on her cheeks. "Pretty dumb, right?"

"Syanna Alluráin"