The Love I Never Knew I Wanted

Aliana's mind had begun to shut down to block out the overwhelming trauma her brain was trying to process. Between the physical, mental, and emotional pain, Ali was a total wreck. She was spinning out of control, barely cognizant, only able to recognize the agony and the voices trying to guide her. At some point, Chimera had come back to her side and was comforting her through the process. Shrill whines broke the heavy, labored breathing between cries of pain. Had the crystals done this to her? Had she done this? Was she to blame? The dizzying thoughts were silenced only when Chimera spoke the harsh and cold truth to her as she asked about her children. "They're dead, Aliana. They're dead."

Dead.

Aliana's breathing stopped. Her children... were dead? But she'd done everything right. She'd done everything she could to make sure the puppies were cared for, protected, given the right blends of herbs at the right times. She'd finally learned to love them. They couldn't be dead, they just couldn't be! Ali tried to sit up to confirm what she already knew in the last remnants of her logical brain, but another strong contraction forced her back down with a whine of pain. A third boy was brought into the world, deceased as his brothers had been. When no puppy cries reached her ears, Aliana's brain finally let it sink in. Her children were dead. They were gone, probably long before her body had begun to reject her failed pregnancy.

Her muscles continued to contract, but Aliana felt nothing. Shock had settled in, blocking her brain from any more pain while she just lay there, sucking in shallow breaths just barely enough to keep her heart beating. Siren was speaking to her, but her words were coming in muffled and foggy. Wide aqua eyes stared straight ahead at the far wall, distant and glassy with tears. A fourth boy was pushed out, and again, no cries ever came. She'd failed. Aliana had failed at the most important and most basic biological task her body could perform. All the pain, all the turmoil, all the fear and worry and struggle and effort... it had been for nothing. Her children were dead. Her family with Chimera was dead. She'd failed him. She'd failed him where every other woman in his life had succeeded. Gods, she was so totally, utterly useless! She couldn't even do her one role as a female properly! Now Chimera couldn't even look at her. Useless, pathetic, weak, unworthy Aliana! It was foolish of her to think she'd be able to raise the pups of a wolf like Chimera. She was nothing. She was nobody.

The fifth and final pup was expelled from her body, a tiny little girl, sporting the most fur of all five pups. She was almost perfectly snow white with some slate clouding blending both of her parents' distinct patterns. The contractions stopped, and Aliana knew it was over. She didn't move, lying on the bed as she panted hard between choking sobs, waiting for death to come and take her too. It was what she deserved for all her failures. She'd failed Dalila. She'd failed Chimera. She'd failed herself. "I'm so sorry..." she whispered, though whether it was to her five lost children or the brute she didn't deserve was unknown. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

Aliana curled up on herself, sobbing silently and trying to ignore how in pain and aching her body felt all over. All the clouded fae could wonder now was why. Why had her children perished? Why had she been allowed to live? Why hadn't she been the one to die? The young fae's heart was shattered, broken for each love she'd lost. Why had she been allowed to love them only to have them ripped away?! Aliana would have gladly given her life in that moment to hear even one of those perfect little wolves cry, but Death was a cruel god, and the fates had abandoned her and taken her babies with them. She would find no mercy tonight, no solace or peace. Only pain and death.

As much as she prayed to die as well, the gods would deny Aliana once again, as they always had.

"Aliana"