Losing My Grip

*Maija* · 10-26-2013, 12:34 AM

Her gaze remained attached to Aoi's as he voiced that she didn't have to worry about trust being vacant from the conversation. She wondered if she could actually trust him, thus making her confessions easily attainable from her mind. Her heart softly ached as the turmoil in her head began to work its way down, soon starting to infect the rest of her body with silent shakes and quivers from her banner. Maija cleared her throat and slowly nodded at his words. "Okay..." she softly said, letting his openness towards her be the nail that would pierce the strong foundation of her inner walls.
Like someone pulling taffy from a machine, she began to pull out the woes that had been mentally scarring her since Dragomir's disappearance. "I am torn between two worlds...the life I had with my husband and the life I am living now." Dull green eyes continued to watch Aoi as she slowly continued. "I came to Alacritis with Dragomir, the only man whom had ever shown interest in me for who I was. We were together for a year and a half. He was the only one to ever show me what love was, what it felt like to be needed and wanted as someone's mate. Then.." She began to shudder. "I found out that he had a split personality named Rotterdam. He was the worst kind of wolf I could ever meet. Controlling, thought of women as priceless collection items, and could sleep with them whenever he wanted..." Her ears folded flat across her skull, eyes closing for a minute. "I was stuck, for I loved his primary personality with every bit of my heart I could share. Out of that love and loyalty, I remained by his side as Rotterdam began to spend more time out in the open."
A bit of weight was lifted from her shoulders as she slowly inhaled before moving on. "Earlier this year, Dragomir vanished. I woke up one morning and he was gone...I searched for him, pondering where he could have gone...I travelled across this continent, but couldn't find him...I was still in love, but heartbroken to where I couldn't cope with it well...I still can't." Maija opened her eyes then. "After meeting a couple of rogue wolves, I came across Tortuga, whose borders we are nearly sitting on. A large, violet female had taken over as its Queen and I became intrigued by the ideas she gave to the crowd...but that didn't last long."
It was then a slight change appeared in Maija's eyes, going from dull to a light sheen of warmth. "The Queen disappeared and the pack idea was lost. I figured that since no one had claimed it, I would be able to live on the lands without being disturbed in my solitude. That was how it was for a few weeks, until a cobalt mass of a man crossed my path. His name was Taurig and he introduced himself as the new King of Tortuga." She stopped to take a breath before carrying on. "He offered me a place within his pack and the rank of Hunter, which I didn't mind accepting. It began to rain and he gave me shelter and warmth from the storm that approached...I haven't been without him since."
Maija's heart began to skip two beats, double the amount of what it had done in the presence of her King. "Taurig has shown me kindness and warmth since that night. He has never shown me anger, impatience, or any type of action that proved he despised my existence. I have grown fond of him since spending time with him, and...that was when it got worse." Maija blinked and carried on. "The first time you and I met, I ended up fainting from the mental torment that was taking place from the memories I had of Rotterdam taking over Dragomir's body. I remembered the way he acted, talked, moved when he was around me, and I hated him. Then the memories of how Dragomir treated me came into the light and I was torn between the conflicting personalities of my vanished husband...Now, the possibility of liking - possibly loving - someone else aside from Dragomir has torn me apart, made me more solemn and withdrawn than before." She nervously gulped and her eyes became shiny, indicating possible tears to fall from the cracks in her mental dam. "I don't know what to do anymore, Aoi. I tried to work out the scenarios in my mind, to find a way to let someone else in the way I had with Dragomir...but I can't."
She hung her head to the ground and closed her eyes, ears remaining flat against her skull. "Do I still consider myself married to a man that left me? Should I let the past go and embrace my possible future with someone I know will treat me better? Or should I just...give it all up and act like it was never meant to be?" Maija's eyelids pressed harder together as she tried to hold back the tears that were slowly leaking from the rims. "I am so lost, and there is no one I can voice anything to...I am afraid to tell Taurig how I feel, how I have been in a mental hole the past few seasons, and I am worried that if he were to find out, he would think of me differently."
Maija then raised her head to look at Aoi again, tears spilling over from her leaf green eyes as she said, "I have been by myself for so long, fended for my own needs to survive, that I don't know how to accept another being in my heart like I did with Dragomir...I want to, but I don't know how to pull away from my past without feeling the guilt of letting my husband's part in my life go as well..."

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