shut it all out

Hanako curled up in the pit of her den, covered in layers of blankets and furs as she squeezed her eyes shut, willing reality to just leave her alone. Just when she thought nothing could get worse, it did and in ways far beyond anything she'd ever anticipated. Her beautiful and luscious coat was gone, sloughed off her skin, leaving her cold and wrinkly. A hideous excuse for a wolf, not to be seen by anyone. As though she'd faded from existence, like she didn't even matter any more, having lost the only thing that made her of any value. Her beauty. These days she rarely if ever left the den, only to do her business and made a point of returning before anyone could even catch a glimpse of her. Like she was simply the Armada's ghost, less of a koi and more of a joke. The laughing stock, someone to be mocked and ridiculed if caught sight of.

And as if all of that wasn't enough, the sickness that riddled her form had gotten worse. So so much worse. Maybe she was dying, sort of worse. A terrible end, for a terrible person it seemed. Or at least that's what some might argue.

With no fur to hide the evidence, crystals jabbed out of her skin, leaving rips and tears in their wake. Beyond the pain, discomfort and shame, Hanako was smothered with an overwhelming sense of exhaustion, a splitting headache that made it agonising to even look at a light source for longer than a few seconds. It truly felt as though crystals were growing within her brain, ripping into the soft tissue as she became unmade. Unwhole. Like the thoughts she'd once housed were anything but shallow and meaningless, like the loss of her mind would be a terrible thing.

She missed her children more than she could ever say, and found herself counting the seconds before they returned to her side to curl up for the night. To soothe her suffering, even if only a little.  Hanako hadn't seen Azure in a while and maybe that was for the best, she didn't want him to see her like this. She doubted he-or anyone else for that matter-would have any interest in her. That as soon as he was well enough he'd turn his sights else where and start sizing up his next conquest. She knew he was a hunter, valued the chase more than anything else, but who would want to pursue her now? Sick and hideous, too exhausted to do little else but cry and whimper, to wish she could turn back the clock and choose another path. A new direction that might lead to happiness, a better place than this if nothing else.

But did any of that even matter? For all they knew the world was truly coming to an end, that Hanako's worries and concerns meant nothing in the grand scheme of things. Had never mattered at all. Maybe Azure was right, perhaps the children should remain in the dark where she could keep the safe. But...if their days were numbered then she selfishly wanted them to have at least some time out there, to experience the world and its wonders before it was ripped out from beneath their paws.

Puffing out a sigh, she rested her chin against the bedding and squeezed her eyes shut. Willing the thudding in her head away, so her thoughts could be clearer and more focused. Unaffected by the ringing in her ears, like someone had struck something metal against the side of a crystal.

Cleaning the ooze off her naked skin was a losing battle, not worth the energy to sit upright and wipe it away. If anything, the more she tried to hide the evidence the worse it got, stubborn and insistent like this was a part of her the sickness refused to let her hide. She couldn't help but wonder what she would see outside though, how many Armada wolves had fallen ill? Were they hiding away as she was, or stubbornly going about their duty like good soldiers? Knowing all of them, the latter was probably true. That Fatalis' were bone headed till the end, would bark and snarl at the end of the world rather than cower and hide. At least the children would be safe...safer than anything Hanako could provide hidden away in here, like a dirty secret.

So...she was a bad Mother too. Distant and uncaring, as though when they were out of sight they were out of mind. But not on purpose, if she could be there she would. It wasn't her fault she was sick and furless, that one silly choice had caused her to lose it all. To plunge into a pit of despair with one mistake after the other, like it would never end with no out in sight.

The pale of her eyes flickered open as she stared up at the ceiling, wondering if it was worth calling on a higher power to make all this better. If she didn't ask then she couldn't receive, right? Or at least that's how she usually made her way through life. Batting her eyelashes and talking all sweet till she got what she wanted. The thought that such an approach might not work now didn't even occur to her, it was this or just...waiting for it to end on its own accord. If it ever did.

"Just...I don't know who or what is listening." She rasped, voice thick with ooze. "I don't deserve this, I lost all my fur, I'm hideous and I almost died giving birth to my children. Look at me. Haven't I suffered enough?" She would have stomped her paw and thrown a tantrum, had she the energy. "I've had enough, make it stop."
 
She paused, waiting with bated breath to see if anything happened. Maybe a higher power would take pity on her, miss the pretty sight she used to be. A girl could hope, right?

"Please." She added, just in case. Manners never killed anyone, right?