My Head Was Under Water

It had felt like an eternity since Duchess lost the pups, but also sometimes it felt like yesterday. Duchess had felt physically recovered, but there were just those lonely nights that she laid up and thought about what could have been today. Young pups starting to travel on their own and meet others, maybe her and Indigo would be happier together. It was painful for her to think that way, not only to think of the loss of their relationship and the pups, but she had truly started to resent him in her own self blame. Duchess had become completely delusional for those around her, and it was why she spent so much time away from the band these days.

She had found comfort in other ways. Getting high or drunk, laying with men who showed even the smallest desire to do so. But she knew what she was missing as much as she ignored it. She had preferred to be alone more these days, and if the opportunity of lustful company came around she wouldn't reject the cravings for it, but she was never really seeking it out. She wasn't hiding what she was doing, but she was also away from the band enough to raise suspicions. She didn't know or care if anyone else seemed to notice or worry.

After spending a few nights outside of camp, that wasn't new before or after she had been temporarily blinded, she found herself in her own separate den being drowned by the yearning emotions of missing her dead babies and of course missing Indigo. She couldn't help those thoughts, as much as she just wanted to bury them all and honestly move on even from the band. Indigo could give her what she needed, but not fully. Only in moments. She traveled across camp, taking note of Emersyn patrolling their small area, and ducked in to Indigo's den. It had almost taken her breath away while the last time she walked into his den with her sight was when she birthed the children, even though they had moved since then. She hesitantly walked through the invisible barrier she hit, carefully reaching to lift her paw to brush across Indigo's shoulder. While attempting to sleep with Indigo was heavy on her mind, her advances were much more quiet than they had previously been.

"Duchess"