Hit the reset button

Her reply to me thanking her for some reason left me feeling empty inside. It could have been my own emotions beginning to run rampant again but somehow I wanted to believe it was a different reason. I glanced over at the carcass that I previously had my face shoved into and my mind began to think it had to do with this. I sighed looking back over to the large feline.

“Are you sure you don’t wan-“
“Stay here,”
My voice hitched in my throat and my minds train of thought grinded to a halt.
Stay here? Why? Where in the world was she going now? Why was she suddenly leaving again?
…Why did I have to stay?
“But...” I whispered breathlessly, unable to even finish what I wanted to say for one, I couldn’t formulate which question I wanted to ask. Two, her form was so quick to leave that I didn’t see the point in continuing.

She opted to leave just as I had wanted to inquire about her hunger and I suddenly felt a flash of confusion. A part of me just felt like I had a babysitter all of a sudden and the other part of me rolled angrily at the fact that I now had some stranger thinking she could just order me around. All of this was coming out of the blue and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a test from the gods for me wondering if I would accept all of this or just throw it away. I growled softly, grabbing at the snow in between white paw pads. It was a cycle… I escaped one reality where I finally got the balls to run away from being something that didn’t feel right – from taking orders from someone that just wanted to control others. And now I was stuck here with some cat telling me what to do without telling me why? My low growls of frustration continued for a moment more, rumbling deep in my chest before I looked back over to the dead beast that was already melting a patch of snow down to the ground before me.

’She didn’t have to do any of this.’ I thought, feeling only an inkling of guilt.
I couldn’t decipher if this was being manipulative or if it was indeed out of the kindness of her heart. At the end of the day, I didn’t know her or her lifestyle. But I couldn’t step away from what experience has taught me, for that’s all I knew. I chalked this up to her wanting something from me, even if she couldn’t tell me that to my face. How could I even trust that she would return?

I sighed, visibly wincing as I shifted my paws closer to my form, slowly pushing my large frame up into a sitting position. The steam that had been evaporating into the night air was beginning to slow in volume. This place might just be the graveyard for this soul. I closed my eyes softly thinking back to when the pack would come back with a meal. I had just turned a year earlier this month, and so this would have been the time that I would go hunting with my father for the first time ever. Sure, I could hunt rodents and scavengers. But taking down a large kill was somewhat of a badge worn with pride. I wondered now if I would ever have the chance to learn…

Back at home we used everything from our kill. The skin. The organs. Right down to the bones. We left pieces for the scavengers to take but we made do with all of the animal for before us using it for food, it had a life. It had a family. And I was taught these creatures did not just exist for us to take when we wanted to. It was taboo to hunt for sport and you would be killed on the spot for the action. Reddish optics opened once more, falling on the torn carcass. The cat brought this here as an act of kindness, but it was unnecessary. I was one wolf, a young one at that. I couldn’t finish this by myself… nor could any amount of small scavengers. Who knew where the closest pack was and I felt disgusted at the potential waste. Quietly, I prayed over the animal. Tossing out a few Latin prayers that I heard my father chant countless times hoping that the animal would find it’s way back to mother earths soul. I placed a cold blood stained paw on top of its skin, resting it there until I was done.

Looking around, the large feline had still not returned and I could feel my joints beginning to lock up. Either I was going to force myself to sleep tonight, or I would be on my way. Thinking that the smell of the dead animal would soon bring in more company that might take me on as a charity case, I opted for the latter. Slowly I brought myself onto my paws, rolling my wrists and ankles one at a time as I did so. I was only a year old, but my body was already beginning to feel like I was six.

I groaned inwardly, grimacing as I took a few steps forward before pausing. I was beginning to think that being alone out here wasn’t going to be something that I could do and still keep up with a semi regular lifestyle. I grew up in a family. And so suddenly being out here on my own was proving to be more challenging than I had initially hoped.

“Hmm.” I hummed softly to myself. Maybe I… I shook my head. No. I wanted this. I wanted to be on my own, I tried to convince myself. I escaped a reality of me having to live under someone else’s enforcement and I could finally make my own decisions on what kind of man I wanted to – I sucked air in between my teeth sharply and looked down to my chest, just a few inches away from my armpit. The spot where I was cut open throbbed painfully.

Even if I wanted this, where would I go? Without help, I might not have even found a meal for the new few days to a week. I felt like I was stuck between a rock and a field of flames. I walked for a few yards to the east, trying to push away the pain aching in my chest and limbs. I should have stayed laying down and rested, but I didn't want to give that cat or anyone else a chance... a chance to - I stopped feeling breathless - Like my chest was tightening and it was getting hard to intake air. Pins and needles began to ebb through my limbs, making my fur stand on end. I tightened my jaw together and pushed onward for another few feet before letting my legs give way to my frame. I collapsed into the snow again, laying on my side away from any trees of foliage. The snow formed around me, creating a small nest. My head came back down to rest on my paws as I could feel darkness creep around my vision.

Maybe I would rest for a moment or two longer before trying again.