*insert 'this is fine' meme*

Art’s words struck at the weakest parts of her. He didn’t sound angry, exactly; still, she was being stoned to death for something, helpless to do anything but wait as pebbles turned to palm-sized rocks -- wait for the boulder the size of her body that would be heaved at her. She fought to keep the emotion from rising to her face, although her shoulders stiffened. It was time, finally. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. They’d finally realized how utterly worthless she was and her leader was going to throw her out. Not worthless, a small, hopeful voice told her. It didn’t matter. There were things Avantika was not bad at, even things she sometimes still found pride in herself for. Fighting, mostly -- she’d specialized. But that wouldn’t save her now. It didn’t matter if she cared about herself or not if no one else did. Even as Art praised the wolf she had been, Avantika couldn’t argue with the feeling of apathetic dread that filled up all the space where her heart might have warmed with satisfaction. It was going to happen, anyway. Being left by the Hallows would crush her, no matter how much he tried to lighten the blow. She wanted suddenly to scream at him to just get it over with.

She wished she could be unfeeling. She wished her emotions didn’t always seem to overwhelm her at the very worst of times.

Art took a few steps forward. Normally the distance would be more than sufficient to keep her feeling comfortable, but since she was already feeling frayed at the edges and panicky, the movement itself made her tense up more and she willed her paws to remain rooted to the ground so that she wouldn’t sprint away at top speed and go hide somewhere nobody would ever find her. She took a deep breath and forced herself to stay present in the moment. Art deserved that at least. He asked her to explain what had been so important that she’d ignored Audra. That was where he was wrong. Audra hadn’t loved Avantika, clearly. People who loved you didn’t leave. “It must be something big if it's literally killing you.” No -- it wasn’t -- she was just doing what she had to do --

Then he compared Avantika’s situation to the spiral that had preceded Resin’s death. She was stunned into silence as he described the way she had been acting recently, making it sound so much more serious than it really was. He broke off, asking what had happened to her. "How dare you?" she asked softly, finally meeting his gaze. She could barely see the world before her. Her brain was whipping around like a spinning carnival ride, except it must have been turned up way faster than any safety regulations would allow. Luckily her voice didn’t rise, or else she might have ended up straight-up yelling at her Aegis; it remained quiet and almost rasping, choking with emotion she had no idea how to let out properly. "I know what I’m doing and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone." That was a contradiction. Her heart was being stabbed too painfully for her to even try to rephrase what she’d meant. It wouldn’t have worked anyway. "Sure, what happened with Audra was… a mistake. But maybe she should have been more loyal to the Hallows --" to me. "-- then she wouldn’t have left. And don’t use our mother against me. She was mine too; I loved her just as much as you did." Maybe that was it. Maybe Art was trying to say Avantika didn’t deserve to be a part of the family anymore. And if she did, then why would she be worthy of being likened to the past Aegis? Comparing an ill woman, one who had died, to her… It was uncalled for, even if it wasn’t Resin. It insulted Resin’s memory. "You made me a Vanguard for a reason, Art. I’m not going to be selfish and betray my family." She used the word ‘family’ for a reason. She needed Art to say it once and for all. Was she theirs forever or not? Were they hers? "You can banish me for that if you want, but you’ll be making a mistake." She looked down again, letting her head droop submissively, her ears pinned back.

"Speech"