So Much Harder To Leave
Alastor
07-12-2022, 09:37 PM
Something about Alastor, maybe the way he looked at her, smiled, told her she deserved it, it did make her feel a little better. A little more worthy, a little more confident. Her own shy smile in response to the way he reacted but she still struggled well on the surface. He could make her feel better sure, but she'd always feel as if she was never good enough. For Manea, for the pack, at times for him. It was her own curse really. Maybe it was driven from her upbringing with Kefka, but either way she still lacked much confidence in the entire time she had known Alastor since she had nearly joined Elysium. It would probably never fade away. She'd probably always feel anxious and undeserving. She'd never actually tell him that though.
She still held that hard smile as he mentioned Kichi, her eyes looking forward along their path which was the most show in the way she was feeling. She could feel completely free beside Alastor, so the kind of nerves and tension she was exposing to him in a subtle way was different than her usual, undefined anxiousness alongside anyone else. She did know how to hold those kinds of emotions in when necessary, she could handle harder situations. But just being around anyone but Alastor and most of the time Kichi, her physical tension came off typically very wrong to others. And it was one reason why having the higher position made her nervous.
Alastor gently bumping into her, once upon a time, would have sent her spiraling. Panicking internally, repulsed by the touch. But they had been long past that. Just for him she was completely comfortable with opening up and with allowing him to touch her in anyway whether it was playfully or further. She had grown to long for the next time she could be wrapped up in him, or just as casually as they were now. It was a feeling she'd never known before.
When he asked her in turn if it was what she wanted, she stopped in step. She didn't respond right away because she was searching for the right words to say. Not that she felt like anything she'd say to him would come out wrong. She was just never really good with words to begin with. "This is hard for me, Al." It was... probably so blatantly obvious what she meant. Just being here. Being around others, having her own expectations of herself through Manea's eyes. Everything about being in Elysium was hard for her. "It's not easy for me to be around Manea." She still hadn't turned to look at him yet, her jaw clenched just a little bit as she was reminded about the night here at the lake after her fallout with Merrick. She didn't bring it up, she didn't want to. "This is a first time for everything." An easy confession, not even a weight off her shoulder. Everything he may have already known. She had never lived in a pack before, barely lived around other wolves in her whole life. The nurturing Kefka deprived her of in her early youth causing her to be so screwed. Her gaze finally turned to meet him, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I don't even think for Kichi." It could have been old news to him, but ever since their last time here at the lake everything really had changed even if she wasn't showing it much now. In turn she could maybe say she was happy with the promotion, but everything was drowned out by the anxiety she felt that was everywhere surrounding Alastor.
"Relm"
She still held that hard smile as he mentioned Kichi, her eyes looking forward along their path which was the most show in the way she was feeling. She could feel completely free beside Alastor, so the kind of nerves and tension she was exposing to him in a subtle way was different than her usual, undefined anxiousness alongside anyone else. She did know how to hold those kinds of emotions in when necessary, she could handle harder situations. But just being around anyone but Alastor and most of the time Kichi, her physical tension came off typically very wrong to others. And it was one reason why having the higher position made her nervous.
Alastor gently bumping into her, once upon a time, would have sent her spiraling. Panicking internally, repulsed by the touch. But they had been long past that. Just for him she was completely comfortable with opening up and with allowing him to touch her in anyway whether it was playfully or further. She had grown to long for the next time she could be wrapped up in him, or just as casually as they were now. It was a feeling she'd never known before.
When he asked her in turn if it was what she wanted, she stopped in step. She didn't respond right away because she was searching for the right words to say. Not that she felt like anything she'd say to him would come out wrong. She was just never really good with words to begin with. "This is hard for me, Al." It was... probably so blatantly obvious what she meant. Just being here. Being around others, having her own expectations of herself through Manea's eyes. Everything about being in Elysium was hard for her. "It's not easy for me to be around Manea." She still hadn't turned to look at him yet, her jaw clenched just a little bit as she was reminded about the night here at the lake after her fallout with Merrick. She didn't bring it up, she didn't want to. "This is a first time for everything." An easy confession, not even a weight off her shoulder. Everything he may have already known. She had never lived in a pack before, barely lived around other wolves in her whole life. The nurturing Kefka deprived her of in her early youth causing her to be so screwed. Her gaze finally turned to meet him, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I don't even think for Kichi." It could have been old news to him, but ever since their last time here at the lake everything really had changed even if she wasn't showing it much now. In turn she could maybe say she was happy with the promotion, but everything was drowned out by the anxiety she felt that was everywhere surrounding Alastor.
