just to let you go...

She didn't realize she had been staring straight ahead until her eyes began to burn, slowly she allowed her lids to close and sighed as the burn increased. Her concern about whether or not Newt would show up twisting at her gut even as she let the world melt away. She could still remember the first day her mother had met Maze, after a year of watching fear and hatred eat at her mother it had been nice to see her smile. It had been nice to see her fears melt away, her fear of Zara's father who had raped her and had been the only reason Zara and her siblings had been born. It had been the reason that Lust had always shied away from Joker, her son who so resembled their father... Her mothers words came drifting back to her as she sat there in silence. It had been the day that Zara had come home from a training session with Darcia, the day that she had gotten her ear ripped off. She had been terrified. 'Courage is tricky, oily. Easy to drop, easy to misplace. Nothing is always there. Not courage, not joy, not hate or hope or anything else. We find courage, lose it, sometimes misplace it for years, and sometimes live in its grace for a while.' Zara had asked if love was elusive too and her mothers answer had not been simple. 'I have two answer for that, though there are probably more. One answer is the big answer. Love is always there. It lives in all of us. Even in Narin, as bad as he was, loved something. Everyone loves. But thats not what you meant and I know it. The other answer, the smaller answer is that when we love something we don't always love it. It comes and goes. Like breath in the lungs.'

She had understood that more and more as she had gotten older, watching her mother and Maze and then having crushes of her own that came and went. Nothing had ever been solid in her life, she had never desired for anything to be solid. Even after all the disasters and sorrow in her life she still didn't know what she wanted. She had thought that she had loved Newt, thought that that had been the end of it but that love seemed to ebb and flow, coming and going as easily as the tide. Though it never left completely often it left for long enough that leaving Newt's side was easy. And now she understood that it wasn't fair to Newt, just like Maze's constant comings and goings hadn't been fair to her mother. She had watched the loneliness and worry eat at her mother and though Lust had been understanding and had accepted Maze back any time he decided to come back to her. Normally it was just to get her pregnant, it wasn't often that he stuck around to see the children he had spawned... Zara knew his intentions were good, that he had truly loved her mother but Newt was not her mother, Newt deserved better and Zara knew that. She couldn't leave her wishing and hoping that Zara was around more when she couldn't guarantee that she would be.

Newt didn't take long, she really never did and Zara almost immediately felt bad for doubting Newt at all. And as the woman's powerful scent hit her the blind woman's eyes fluttered open as she was torn from her thoughts. She said nothing, she didn't move as she allowed Newt to take the lead in all this. Hoe was she supposed to react? She knew that she had called this meeting and yet now she was torn, she was tongue tied. Her name slipped from Newt's tongue and Zara's heart twisted violently in her chest. But her expression remained a practiced neutral as she felt Newt slip towards her, their pelts brushing as the massive female lay beside her in the dirt. "Newt." Her name came out a deep rumble but after that nothing was added, she allowed the silence to stretch between them for a time. She fished for words, trying to drag them out of the river that was her minds, not sure what she could do to make this better or what she could even say to make Newt understand. In the end she realized that she couldn't, all she could do was say what she could and Newt could make her choice. "I could say I'm sorry but that wouldn't get me far. All I can say is that you don't deserve this, that I don't deserve you. I've seen what happens to someone when the person they love is absent and I don't understand how I could do that to you but at the same time...." She paused and drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes this time. "I understand if you hate me, I will understand if you find someone else. I could make a thousand promises that I would never leave you again but in the end... I just want you to be happy. I'll always love you." Her eyes were close by the time she finished, drawing in deep breaths to steady herself. She wouldn't blame Newt if she walked away.

Speech!