I've swallowed myself but the fever remains

Bellamy · 08-06-2022, 05:06 PM

Bellamy had barely gotten out of the gulley when unconsciousness took her. At least in that state, without dreams, without being awake, she could slip into the cold embrace of darkness alone. It was during that state she found any peace, any sense of relief from the things that plagued her mind. If she had been lost before, Bellamy wouldn’t know what to make of herself when her green eyes slowly flicked open this time.

She was laying on her good shoulder, body flat on soft, wet earth. She had cleaned and sheathed her knife sometime after staggering away from… who was it again? Bellamy furrowed her brow as she tried to piece together the events that happened… Gods how long ago? Nothing felt clear. Her head was still swimming, lost in wave after wave, feeling thoughts beat against her brain in a way that wasn’t clear or straightforward. She longed for them to stop, to leave her alone, but they lingered, festering like the infection of some wound.

…wound…

Bellamy grunted, aware of her right shoulder feeling like it was on fire. She didn’t look at it, nor did she attempt to move and clean the injury. She didn’t try to get up at all or move much either. Even though it hurt, there was no instinct to move and try to clean the injury. Like the cuts she’d received from the glacier Bellamy was ignoring the injury. It hurt, Divinities above it felt like a chunk of her shoulder had been ripped clean off. She closed her eyes again, her breathing feeling heavy due to the thick, muggy fog.

At least she was alone. There was no Gavroche here to be roped into her pain… nor her little girl. Gavroche had always advocated for her, always tried to make her feel… better. She could feel that heavy feeling washing over her again, tears starting to form once more. She was scared… scared of herself. Scared of hurting him or Lucette. Everything she had been running from, everything she had been trying to get away from, had caught up to her and was trying to drag her down again. She shouldn’t have woken back up, she told herself. She should have been dead. So why wasn’t she? Why was everyone showing her mercy?!

The tears started to roll down her cheeks again even though she tried to hold them back. Not even her eyes staying closed was enough to keep them held back now.

She didn’t know herself anymore.

Everything she thought she knew… who was she, really?

Was she really a monster?

A scared little girl, hiding behind false strength?

She didn’t know.

She really just…

...didn’t know.

"Speech" 'Thought.'

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I've swallowed myself but the fever remains

Bae-Syl

Bellamy