Under The Apple Tree

Things were seemingly never getting better. Maybe he was just drowning out the good stuff. It was easy to do. There was this huge part of his life that he did just love and cherish and ended up completely shattering and fragmenting it into only memory. He may have never saw the wrong he had done for himself and his sister, or maybe he just wanted to stay blind to it. It would have been easy to say just to end things way before they got so deep and involved, put a wall there not knowing but feeling like what he and Azzurra did was wrong then it wouldn't have come to this. Maybe she would have been more understanding. But being with her that way was definitely more physically satisfying but also emotionally. He did really care for her in all the time that they spent traveling together and since Allegro left. He felt that need to protect her, provide for her, more than he had for his other siblings. It was what their father had done and he had those shoes to fill. Allegro had been his idol in youth, and he would have never expected things to turn the way they did. He didn't want what felt like this responsibility on himself. Maybe he didn't really need to take this charge but he just felt like he had to for his family. It's what led to him leaving with her. It wasn't easy leaving Psalm and Solo behind, but he couldn't leave Azzurra. Funny to say that's what happened at the end.

With Fenmyre gone it just made things plummet inside his head more. He never showed anyone this side of him, the side that missed and yearned for Azzurra. Maybe filled with a lot of regret. It was hard to confess. But now not knowing where she was, with Chimera or traveling somewhere on her own... it hurt him. More than he could describe or show. He found solace in the drinking shortly before he left Fenmyre, and it just became worse as the weeks went on. There was a part of him that didn't care, but also a part of himself that felt ashamed. He had to keep it behind closed doors. He wasn't going to stumble around freely among the wolves of The Hallows. It was like he knew what he was doing to himself was so wrong. And that maybe he was a little scared of how he might react to those around him. He wasn't necessarily violent or to those he didn't know. But inside he was burning for darker relief, or honestly just to have someone to hold at night. The pack around him was friendly and bustling with happy, tiny paws, but he felt so alone here. He wasn't sure if he would have felt at home anywhere else either. Abaven was gone too which was just another nail in the coffin but he wouldn't have felt any different in his everyday life had Abaven still been around and he went home.

He was relatively quiet and reserved in nature, but among the other pack members and loners he seemed happy. Content. Maybe nothing amiss. It might have been easy for anyone that may have frequented his schedule, maybe to Artorias who had more regard for the members of his pack. But he hid himself well. He wanted it that way.

Being here in The Hallows was harder than he would have spoken. He had told Artorias when he showed up on the shore that his mother was buried here. And that was it. There was a lot of baggage underneath than what he spoke of. He knew having a mother like his wasn't the average. Poem was a good mother. Chimera's queens were good mothers. And then there was Aranea. Tonight was one of those nights he spent out on the beach with the raft, but for whatever reason he was driven to make his way back towards the castle and inevitably over his mother's grave. He hadn't been here since becoming a member of The Hallows. He hadn't been here since Ulric told them she was dead. And now standing over where she was buried deep underground, it didn't make him feel any better. His eyes closed as he just stood there in the tree lines outside of the castle. Maybe trying to navigate his emotions. Was that some sort of healing? No. Nothing helped the way he was feeling, finding the drink and relief any time he could. He grit his teeth still with closed eyes at the thought of his life, of his mother, of his father. Everything he put Azzurra through. Everything that led him right here standing over a dead woman's grave. He was completely calm on the outside, but inside he was trembling. Fizzing. Everything was broken in him. The amount of energy he felt in his body almost made him feel like he wanted her standing in front of him right now so he could yell at her. She was the driven source of everything that went wrong. If only they could have just been a normal, happy family. Eventually he threw his nearly empty wine bottle to shatter on the trees nearby, but that didn't stop this surging emotion in him. He wouldn't even notice the tears that were steadily falling down his cheeks, an emotion he couldn't remember showing once in his life.

"Balthier"