who we are is determined by the stars

Kuroki · 11-14-2022, 08:51 AM

Kuroki didn't remember that day very well. Whether it was the passage of time or the fact he didn't want to remember was to blame was hard to say, it didn't even really matter in the end since the result was the same. Standing here, near the mound of piled rocks brought a lot of feelings back, ones he wasn't ready to face. He'd been so young and small, Kit too, even now the brutality of it all was something he struggled to understand. Was almost enough to put him off fighting all together, made the thought of tasting blood make him want to cringe in on himself. Like a collapsing star, soon to become a black hole.

He didn't even know who he was, didn't even know his name and yet the stranger's face was stuck in his mind. The glazed look in his yellow eyes, the stench of blood and feeling of an impending end. One that had been cut even shorter at the paws of his sire. Had it been the right thing to do? Kit certainly hadn't thought so and even know Kuroki was unsure, felt himself straddling the line between yes and no. Right and wrong. He felt a knee-jerk urge to disagree just because it had been Hattori's choice, but was that all there was to it? Maybe he, whoever he had been, hadn't wanted to die. Maybe he would have passed on better knowing they had tried, some effort had been made.

Kuroki let out a sigh, his ears tilting to the side as the heavy feeling in his chest lingered. Just as weighty as the rocks that formed the makeshift burial mound before him. He just wished...someone who had cared had been there that day, that's all. Someone who knew him. But now aside from memories Kuroki wished to forget and this mound here, there was next to no evidence he had lived at all. It was sad, terribly and heart-wrenchingly so.

Maybe he could find solace in knowing he was somewhere else, better and free from pain. But did he really believe that? Not really, if he was being wholly honest. It felt too good to be true, like something that was said just to make the living feel a little better. He wanted to be angry and bitter, felt it stir in his chest and chase away the melancholy that didn't suit him at all. At least those cats had paid the ultimate price, had met an end just like the nameless stranger here. Bled out on the cold hard stone, never to return to whatever land of ice they'd come from in the first place. That winter had been a strange one and since then they'd never experienced anything like it, made Kuroki wonder if it was just a part of a pups overactive imagination.

And yet the proof was right in front of him.

"At least it's over." He mumbled, feeling a little weird talking aloud like this. Like it wasn't his place to speak. "I reckon it's just like being asleep. Nothing can bother you when it's deep enough."

But if that was truly the case then why had he looked like that. He remembered the glint in the stranger's eyes, a sort of desperation, a stubbornness that said he didn't want to go. That he wasn't ready, that this wasn't on his own terms. What would have been his terms then? To just fall asleep in his den and never wake up? Or would he have preferred to hold his own a little better? To left more of a mark on those fanged cats, rather than for Hattori to sweep in and claim all the glory.

If such a thing was glorious anyway. It didn't look that way from where Kuroki was standing anyway, it was all in the eye of the beholder and so far he reasoned his reason to live was just...to live. To see his story to the end. Now what sort of tale it would be...it was hard to say. He was happy with Cel and Cy, a simple man with simpler pleasures, and that was enough for him. He didn't want to lead, or find himself on a political stage, to just be and exist felt like he couldn't ask for much more. Not when so many had so much less.

"Anyway, what I meant to say was, I should visit more I think. Would you want Kit to swing by as well? Maybe I could ask, make it a sibling trauma bonding thing." He laughed, eyes all squeezy, but the sound rung hollow. Filled the silence a little too much, like an unwelcome crack of thunder ruining an otherwise clear horizon.

Just like he'd been in Ashen, he supposed. The black sheep, the dumbass who leapt before he loooked.

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