this is how we get better

Avantika smiled as she walked through the doorway towards a welcoming Laeta. It had been a while since they'd last spoken personally. She certainly looked better now, getting an actually healthy amount of sleep and with her fur clear and groomed. She had a new, fancy rank now, and a dash of confidence -- at least on the surface. She sat where she was indicated to. "Wonderful to see you again as well. And no, thank you," she replied to the offer of food and drink. Her nerves would prevent her from eating anything anyway.

"You can't tell anyone anything that's said in here, right?" She didn't exactly know why she was asking. Laeta could easily lie, or say yes but then change her mind about certain things, or tell only Art -- which wouldn't be awful but she really didn't want to put more on his shoulders or let him see the meaner parts of her that she was still strongly considering not telling Laeta about no matter what -- You have to talk about it to grow from it. (But she couldn't imagine anyone knowing and still loving her, not here, not in this place of pure warmth and light. She was supposed to be better than that.) She took a deep breath, beginning regardless of Laeta's answer, "Um, with all of the weddings and children around here lately, I guess I was just thinking about how... I thought I could have that, you know? And it's sad, I guess, that she left. But even though she clearly never cared about me as much as I thought she did, I still can't stop feeling angry about it. Whenever I see her I just want to go in the opposite direction." Or hurt her. But again, not saying that.

She sighed. "But I want someone, you know? Not her, of course, but... I just want to be happy, Laeta. I want to feel safe. And I'm definitely doing better now, but I still don't -- I'm still always thinking about everything that could go wrong, every escape route, every danger I have to protect everyone from. But I think -- maybe this isn't the only way things can be for me." She chose this. This was better -- better than naivete, better than being caught unawares by trouble she never saw coming. Maybe it was unfair, that she always had to be the suspicious one, but it was better than anyone else having to be taught the horrible lessons she had learned. What was the alternative? Should the kids have to feel even a fraction of this fear? No, of course not. She would rather die than ever make the most vulnerable of her family fear for their lives like she did.

"Does that make sense?"

"Speech"