A long time coming

Mojito · Updated 04/30/23:

Mojito could see so much of himself in his daughter, he loved Asla, always would, but he had no illusions about her temper and the emotions he could see playing through his daughter? They were all him... And that made it hurt even more. He remained silent, watching Satira carefully but without judgment. He had said his piece and didn't intend to plead his case if she wanted him gone. It was one of the few kindnesses he could still give her. But seeing her hurting, it made him want to reach out, to break the space between them and just hold her close. That was another punishment for his behaviour in its own way. Finally she did speak and Mojito simply listened. Or well that had been the plan but right out the gate he was taking more another emotional beating. He'd really fucked up. Messed up one of the few good things he'd ever had and as she spoke about how she'd seen him he couldn't help the prickle in his eyes though he fought to keep his tears locked away, he had no right to cry, not when he'd been the one to do this to them.

Still as she spoke of the work she'd put into her craft he couldn't help the small sad smile that tugged at his lips, proud of her all the same. He had no doubt she was skilled, if he was lucky she was leagues better than he was. But that smile dropped quickly enough. Loneliness... That was a feeling he was intimately familiar with and he closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing the lump that had formed in his throat as he continued to push back the sobs that screamed to be released. He met her gaze. "I want you to know just how much you missed, Dad." Oh he knew, just looking at her he could see it. It made him feel old, made the fresh wounds starting to dry in his fur feel like distance stings, scars from a life time ago.

Her question was a fair one, even worse it was one he knew he'd never have a real answer to. Unless he sold himself into servitude there would never be anything he could say that would be assurance enough... For a moment Satoru flashed in his mind, something that for the first time since he'd met the man made him want to chase the thought of the handsome man away. He could feel himself being torn in two. That was the thing that shattered the dam, though he didn't let himself collapse in on himself instead speaking as steadily as the free flowing tears would let him. ”I know well enough that there is nothing I can ever say that can be enough.” He didn't let it linger too long but he wasn't about to pretend he could win her over with pretty words. ”I'd be lying if I said I didn't dream of getting to be part of your life again. The images of getting to settle down and be a family, getting to watch you grow older... I never pushed them away but I also know I have no right to that. Or maybe I'm a coward who couldn't handle knowing for certain I didn't even deserve to hope.” He smiled bitterly. How many times had he woken from that dream to a constricting pain in his chest? ”I can tell you that my plan is that for as long as it's within my control I don't plan to leave Valta.” Truth plain and simple. ”But I am painfully aware of how little is within my control.” There were so many variables. Kotori deciding he wasn't worth it, Satoru- Satira wanting him gone. ”I'm tired.” He admitted, the exhaustion seeming to settle over him, as if the weight of it was aging him right then and there. ”I want to stop running, I don't need things to be good, I just want things to be okay. But I love you too much for the price of whatever peace I might seek to be you.” He wanted to rest, wanted to belong, wanted to make it clear that no matter what he loved her and it was because he loved her that he couldn't give her a good answer. He wasn't willing to give her any hope he couldn't be sure he wouldn't dash. He owed Satoru something, that was the problem. He couldn't simply free the man from his servitude to simply abandon him to a world he had been kept from for years. Fuck! Mojito grit his teeth and closed his eyes again, the fight turning inward. He wished he cared less, in that moment he wished he could turn it all off for Satoru and could simply assure his daughter than he had joined Valta and that was the end of the deal. And he hated himself for wanting that too. He hated that he cared, that he loved. All it brought to him was pain, and all his love seemed to give to anyone else was pain and resentment.

There was too much he owed her, the whole explanation about the man he was now desperately trying to cut away from his heart, the guilt even having these feelings gave him because it was something between him and her. He owed her to spill his guts but he was finding he couldn't. The words were too tangled up in his inner struggle. ”I wish I could shut everything else out, so you'd be the only thing in the world I cared about.” That was all he managed, spoken softly as he tried and failed to make it so. And he hated himself for admitting it, for admitting that there were things he cared about that weren't his daughter. And he hated himself for wanting it all the same. Neither Satira nor Satoru deserved to have to deal with him. The latter deserved someone who would never try to remove how much they cared about him. The former deserved a father that could give her his everything. And they both deserved someone who wouldn't be so focused on himself even at a time like this.

”Speech” ’Thought’

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1.	A long time coming	Sunset Falls	10:28 AM, 06-05-2023	05:03 AM, 04-23-2024

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A long time coming

Kotori and Tira if she wants

Mojito