I want to be little again

She had never imagined that this kind of hollow pain was possible, but the last several days had taught her that there was so much of the impossible that was in fact very much possible. Had it only been a few days since their pups were lost? Or was it more than that? She had lost track. She had only left her bed for short periods of time since then and only at Saracyn's or Irilyth's insistence–partially because of her grief and partially because of the havoc that the failed pregnancy had on her body. She was still recovering from the physical trials and the illness that had come from it all, but even as those symptoms began to fade she knew the emotional and mental turmoil of it would linger on. It was a blessing and a curse to be so aware of what had gone wrong and what the road ahead of them would look like. That awareness would ultimately protect them from feeling this heartbreak again, but it did mean that this part of their life could be cut off from them forever and that hurt nearly as much as the loss itself.

In the haze she was aware of her mother's voice speaking to her at some point while she hid away in her den, but she had refused to even pull her head out from under the covers. She had no doubt that after that disastrous day her mate or Irilyth had sent for their parents despite the fact that she hadn't wanted to disrupt their vacation and now here her mother was, clearly attempting to console her. Her mother was the one wolf she truly could not face right now, however. She had aspired to live and lead just as her mother had, training and preparing to take her mother's place since the day she was old enough to understand what being a Matriarch meant. And she had failed. She had failed to tend to the pack in her mother's absence, having to pass off those duties to Saracyn while she carried their ill-fated children. She had failed to follow through with the one, central goal that every member of their family carried with them–continue on the Mendacium bloodline. She knew it would get her no where to continue wallowing in her own grief and self pity, but here she was, doing just that.

"Avacyn Mendacium"