Feeling a lil nostalgic

It felt like judgement, that he’d deemed her unworthy. A mistake. It wasn’t as if anyone else set out to be a failure, but in many ways it was a slow creep. Mediocrity seeped in through the gaps, filling the spaces her arrogance did not fill. She hadn’t been happy for a long time, hadn’t tried to make up for what she lacked and instead saw it as some sort of punishment of sorts. Thought the world was out to get her. If nothing else she felt under attack now and Azure had always known her best, knew where to hit to make it hurt.

She sniffled, her eyes stinging a little, as she stared at his chest, refusing to meet his gaze as he spoke. Hanako hadn’t worn her masks in so long, those sweet smiles that looked so real, even felt real in the moment. But she treasured the fact she didn’t have to play pretend around Azure, that he saw her for who she was and wanted her all the same. She could have lied and it would have felt like truth, for the longest time she hadn’t known herself only to realise somehow she’d gotten twisted up along the way. Made into someone once upon a time she wouldn’t have wanted to be. But was it even possible to just stop. A leopard couldn’t change its spots and neither could a koi. There were some currents no one could swim against, and to try would be the same as demanding the current drag her under.

She did not interrupt him as he spoke, her ears tilted forward to listen but were slightly flattened all the same, she did not like what she was hearing but that would surely not come as a surprise to the Fatalis.

“I know you drugged me.” She said, almost offhandedly as she finally allowed her gaze to drift down to his paw. How he’d moved in an oddly tender gesture, a stark contrast to his precious venting. “I thought- I wasn’t even mad about it, probably against my better judgement. It made me think, it showed how much you wanted me to be yours and I liked that.” They were bad together and she liked that too.

“I knew you and never wanted- I’d never once thought I wished you could be like someone else. But you’re right, I’m not Briar and I’m nothing like Zee ever was. I’m not some queen or someone worth founding a pack for.” A brief snippet of self reflection, honesty. She wanted things she never deserved, coveted too much.

She pulled away then, near shrinking with the action. Small and vulnerable, honestly of this level didn’t suit her, made her injuries feel all the more present. Like the weak link in the chain, the paint chipping and metal rusting. She felt ugly.

“I had a place in the Armada once, by your side. I liked being the diplomat and I thought I was good at it, the world has changed and neither of us belong there anymore and it’s-“ not her fault? Not fair?

“I’m sorry I ruined your story.” She turned, maybe to leave. Maybe because she didn’t want to be seen.