Stoke the fires

Time was a fickle thing to him. How did it feel like everything was happening at once but also nothing at the same time. He’d been wondering if he should lay there until the cold claimed him. After all it would be a nice respite to his situation. But then, it was like the miracle he had been hoping for. His eyes slowly matched that of the coat of fur he could recognize even if he couldn’t see. Her scent washed over him like a ray of sunshine. A god ray poking out of the clouds that enveloped his mind. At first her words felt far away. You didn’t come home. Home…. Did he have one of those? Fenix didn’t feel like he could keep it together. He found himself pushing into her warm like he wanted to suck it all out of her. At first he said nothing, he couldn’t help but break down. Sobbing as he pushed his face into her fur letting his body expel whatever negative emotions that had built up in him. Once the crying subsided only a bit he could only say what came to mind.

"I failed Ethne, I broke my promise to my daughter. I thought maybe if I came here, I could forget about it. That I deserved to be alone. Oh I’m so sorry Bellamy. Before I knew it I was yearning for your touch and for your love. I adore you. I adore all of your children and your grandchildren. But me, Fenix Isokan. What right do I have to love someone like you. Why is it I tried so hard and did nothing but dig myself into a rut." his voice cracked and in the retrospect of things he’d never shown anyone this type of vulnerability. He was usually a cool headed, kind and intelligent man. But right now he felt like a pup who was crying out for support he always had but was too blind to accept. "I couldn’t stay in Ethne after I realized I fell for you. I wanted to be someone who was worthy to stand by your side even in your grief and I couldn’t even do that." his cries got a little softer. Pushing his paws to his face to dry the wetness even as pain gripped him emotionally and physically.

"I thought time would make it easier. I miss my late wife dearly, I miss our son who didn’t make it to his first year. I miss my daughter who made it to these lands with me only to be taken by the eternal night when her first year came around. Like a light in my life flickered out and I just want to see them again but what would I say. What exactly have I accomplished since their passing other than wallow in my own misery. Hurting the ones I love, making them worry about me. I am so selfish, so selfish indeed." Fenix pressed against her, hoping she wouldn’t shy away. Shy away from his want and need to simply vanish into her fur. "Do I deserve to come …. ‘Home’?" he spoke the word home softly unsure if he could even call it that.