I Identify As The Problem

The waves roll across the sand, spilling their frothy heads onto the beach before retreating back out. Emotions follow the same rhythm within the calico young man, shame slamming into him before retreating to be replaced with sorrow; each and every emotion taking their turns as he waits for the only father figure in his life to show up. He had never known his father and the King had filled that void in his life. The decision to walk away with Rivin has been eating Jack alive since the meeting and he needs to see the man one last time to say his goodbyes properly… and to apologize for being such a horrible Raider.

Thankfully, the King doesn’t leave him waiting long and Jack is pulled from his chaotic thoughts by the soft sound of paw steps on the sand. Icy blue eyes track over to where Gil approaches, a smile being to bloom across his lips only to wither and fall into a frown at the offered words. Shoulders hunch inward as shame flickers across his face, the defeat he had felt at the meeting begins to surface once more. For a moment, their gazes met but the younger man quickly diverts his eyes down to his paws, too ashamed to look at the only man he ever considered as his father.

Silence stretches between them, thinning as the moments tick by until Jack’s voice thick with bitterness and filled remorse, bites out, “It doesn’t matter anymore. I made my choice and I have to stick by it. If I had known that all this would happen…” Head shakes as tears threaten to fill his eyes again but he stubbornly pushes them away, not wanting his father to have any more reasons to be disappointed in him as he adds, “But, if you must know, I was worried about breaking a wing or injuring the small wolf horribly.”

Ears slick back as his frame becomes taut with tension, every muscle screaming his humiliation out to the world as he speaks of his grave offense. Softly, Jack continues on, his voice shifting into a deep sorrow-filled tone as he says, “I just… I needed to thank you, Gil. You have been like a father to me and… and I am sorry I was such a disappointment. I know you have your own family to worry about but it always meant so much to me that you kept an eye on me and… you helped me… a lot.”

The tears are back, swirling in his vision but he refuses to let them fall, knowing that this whole damn situation is his fault. Jack knows that, if he stops now, he will never be able to get all the words that need to be said out, so a rush of words follows, “I know I wasn’t a good Advocate or even Raider and I wanted to apologize for that too. Rivin and I started dating a couple seasons ago and I got distracted by the fun we were having. I know that isn’t a good excuse but it is the truth. And that raid fight seems to have exposed a fatal flaw of mine and that hurts so much. If I had just treated it like any other fight we wouldn’t be here right now… I wouldn’t have to be leaving but…”

Shoulders lift and slump as his icy gaze lifts but does not move to look at Gil and instead moves out to look over the rolling waves as a bittersweet sigh falls from his lips, “I am going to miss this, Gil. It is the only life I have ever known and to now understand that I am not worthy of holding the mantle of a Raider hurts more than any wound. I would still like to visit and please, don’t hold Rivin’s actions against her. That is my fault too. She needs you, Gil. She… needs you more than me. Not that she would tell you that herself.” A soft, humorless laugh fills the air between them and he finally turns his icy gaze, swimming with unshed tears, back to Gilgamesh as a lopsided grin filled with pain finds its way to his lips, “I’m sorry for everything.”


"Calico Jack"