now we got problems And I don't think we can solve 'em [DM]

• -1 is she lunging straight on for the shoulder?
• -2 Ruby's head is going for Sparrow's right shoulder then the next sentence its going for the left shoulder joint.
• -1 I'd like to see more clarity in the placement of her jaws "near the chest" could e a number of different placements.
• -1 don't forget to mention the intent of your attack, are you just going for damage? A grip? How severe?

• +2 bite

• +1 for each seen

• first round

• +5 expert fighter
• +1 beginner navigator

• -1 loner

———————————————————————————————————————————————

SPARROW:


WRITING


8/10 for Power Play:

• -1 its unrealistic that she could dislocate Ruby's jaw with a foreleg kick.  (see clarity)
• -1 Sparrow is doing multiple attacks with her left foreleg, you need to give your opponent space to act. Clarity might also be playing a part in this.

• -2 what do you mean by it would "cut into her shoulder"? It's not clear what part of her foreleg she's attacking with and at what angle, as well as how that will affect the result of Ruby's attack. Is she trying to use her shoulder instead of the middle section of leg? It's not clear.
• -1 her jaws are going for the back of Ruby's head but then the next sentence reads like she's trying to rip the ear off. You need to pick one target and make it clear.

• +1 foreleg strike?
• +1 paw wrap
• +2 bite
• +1 maim attempt

• +1 each seen

• first round

• +6 Master Fighter
• +6 Master Navigator

• pack wolf

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

RUBY:

WRITING

9/10 for Power Play:

• -1 there's a lot of movement with Ruby moving her hind legs to pivot and lifting her front leg as well and then later pushing forward

• -2 make sure to continue writing the clarity into your attacks in the second round, even if its the same one. So what part of the body she's attacking with, and where her jaws will land
• -1 it's unclear how Ruby kicking out at Sparrow's paw would assist in "destroying the limb"
• -1 it's unclear how Ruby moved to cause Sparrow's jaws to hit her cheek instead of their original target
• -2 how far is Ruby trying to rotate herself, what angle in relation to Sparrow does she want to get to? Perfectly side by side? Keep in mind this will affect her continuing attack and thus the clarity needed for it for she is no longer head on

• +2 bite
• +1 maim attempt
• +1 paw kick

• +1 for each seen

• -0 mild jaw pain
• -1 mild lacerations to left cheek

• +5 expert fighter
• +1 beginner navigator

• -1 loner

———————————————————————————————————————————————

SPARROW:

WRITING

9/10 for Power Play:

• -1 she is attempting to slam down but also wrap her paw around and drag her claws through Ruby's neck. It's a lot of movement for one attack

• -1 its a bit confusing what angle she is facing Ruby at. Ruby is to her left and yet she is snapping forward for Ruby's face. How is Sparrow moving to get at Ruby's face
• -2 I don't follow Sparrow's attack with her weight. She's moving forward and down. What part of her body is she using as the battering ram? Where on Ruby is she aiming to put her weight?

• +2 mutation scratch attack
• +2 bite
• +1 maim attempt
• +1 body slam

• +1 for each seen

• -2 moderate punctures to left deltoid
• -1 moderate bruising
• -1 would tearing

• +6 Master Fighter
• +6 Master Navigator

• pack wolf

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

RUBY:


WRITING

10/10 for Power Play:

• -2 keep the positioning in mind when attack. In the last post Ruby moved to bring her side closer to Sparrows. Moving forward would take her away from Sparrow not towards unless you clarify this movement.
• -1 "Sparrow came down at an angle" what angle?
• -1 where on her right back does Sparrow strike? That is a large target requiring more specificity?
• -1 how is Ruby moving in efforts to topple Sparrow?
  
  

• +2 bite
• +1 shoulder slam

• +1 for each seen

• -2 moderate lacerations to right side
• -3 severe punctures

• +5 expert fighter
• +1 beginner navigator

• -1 loner

———————————————————————————————————————————————

SPARROW:


WRITING

8/10 for Power Play:

• -2 you need to attempt to change the position of the claw attack as well as to worsen it

• -1 where on Ruby's skull is Sparrow trying to get, how is she positioning her jaws?
• -2 I don't quite follow the movement of her weight shifting and throwing. What part of her body is she trying to push into Ruby and where?

• +2 mutation claw attack
• +2 bite
• +1 body slam

• -1 moderate bruising to left armpit
• -2 moderate lacerations to leftside ribcage

• +6 Master Fighter
• +6 Master Navigator

• pack wolf