Novacaine

Caedes absorbed Mariah's words with a growing sense of disbelief and self-loathing. The haunting images of Aurelia's death played on repeat in his mind, each frame a brutal reminder of his failure. Her soft reassurances felt like fleeting whispers against the roaring storm of his guilt. Fuck it all.

‘It's not your fault, Caedes,’ Mariah murmured softly, but he couldn't accept it. These words, though well-meaning, rang hollow. Astrid had tried, and still his belief in his own pathetic-ness held fast. How could he not blame himself when his own mother had always made him feel worthless, a failure in every sense? And then his father, his confidant, destroyed him too? Goddamn it, everyone wanted to test him. And guess what? He failed every test.

‘You did what you could, given the circumstances. You can’t control someone else’s actions, especially not someone as heinous as him.’

Caedes shook his head, his body trembling despite Mariah's warmth and comfort. He wanted to hide, to forget, to shove it all down and build his barriers back up. "No, Mariah," He said, his voice a harsh whisper. Eyes unseeing. "I should have done more. I should have stopped him. But I was too weak, too stuck. I should have done something. Yelled. Screamed. Attacked him. Sedated him. Anything."

Her silver eyes, filled with sincerity and compassion, seemed to bore into his soul, but he couldn't meet her gaze. He felt unworthy of her kindness, her love. Fuck he hated this. He hated all of this. ’You grieve, not because you failed her, but because you cared for her deeply,’ She continued, her words a solace to his raw wounds, yet the pain remained. How could it be gone so soon?

"You do not understand," He muttered, his voice breaking as he spoke, his paws moving up to his ears scrabbling at the piercings Aurelia had done. "I watched her die, Mariah. I watched her die and did nothing. I stood there, and watched her skull crack and turn to mush. Her pups clinging to her as he screamed at her, blaming her for her own death. Just like I did nothing but cry when my father carved these scars into my hide. I stood there, frozen, useless. Pathetic." He was worthless in that sense. A waste.

Mariah's grip tightened around him, her presence a lifeline he clung to desperately. ‘If you had not been there... in that moment, she would have faced her end alone, in agony, and the pups that survived would not have otherwise.’

He closed his eyes, the weight of her words pressing down on him. The guilt was suffocating, a relentless beast gnawing at his insides. "But I did not save her," He choked out, tears streaming down his face. His voice was devoid of inflection now, indifferent and lost. "I failed her, and I failed myself. I thought I was strong. I thought I had changed. But I.. I was still, I am still that pathetic pup unable to fight back. Do you know what it is to be a Saxe and not be one?"

He felt her gentle touch, her paw brushing back a stray lock of fur from his eyes. Her tenderness was almost unbearable. She spoke of strength and breakage, of piecing back together. She pulled away slightly, trying to meet his gaze. He resisted at first, his eyes downcast, filled with shame and self-reproach. But her gentle insistence, her unwavering love, slowly broke through his defenses. She gently insisted he look at her and then shattered his defenses in one sentence. ‘I love you now more than I ever have before—if it’s even physically possible.’

Caedes hesitated, his dull gaze slowly lifting to meet her eyes. The sincerity in her words, the unwavering conviction in her voice, pierced through the darkness enveloping his heart. A sob escaped his lips, his body shuddering with the force of his emotions. He leaned into her, the rigid tension easing slightly as he allowed himself to feel her love, her acceptance. "I... I don't deserve you," He whispered, his voice raw. "I am broken. You are whole. Perfect where I am ruined."