Novacaine

Mariah listened to him, tears stinging her eyes that had yet to fall. She felt him shudder beneath her touch, a manifestation of the remorse he was wracked with, his words becoming whispers in the quiet ambiance of their shared space. His despair reached out to her, a palpable force that broke through her defenses and enveloped her in its cold, unyielding grip. His self-reproach was corrosive, gnawing away at his resilience, leaving behind only a hollowed shell of the proud, robust brute she knew and loved.

"No." Mariah's voice was barely above a whisper, yet it carried the weight of her heartfelt conviction. "You're not weak... You're not unworthy or incapable." She insisted, her eyes seeking his in the dimming firelight. “Caedes, you’re hurt. Can’t you see it? You’re hurt.” She so badly wanted him to see. "A monster cornered you, manipulated your fears and vulnerabilities. Someone you should have been able to trust. He took advantage of you, and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.” On both occasions. She then reached up to cup his angular jaw gently, her touch tenderly tracing a path along his cheekbone. "You listen to me," she said, her tone firm yet gentle, "You are not the failures of your past. You are not the scars on your soul or body, or the voices in your head that whisper you're not enough. You are the courage it took to survive, to keep going despite it all. There is nothing you could have done differently.”

Mariah felt a silent tear snake its way down her cheek, tracing the contours of her face. The pain in Caedes’ heavy words was palpable, a raw testament to his deeply scarred psyche. He was right; she couldn’t fully understand the torments he’d been through, the trauma that gnawed relentlessly at his soul. But she wanted to be there for him, to provide some measure of comfort amidst his anguish. "Caedes," she whispered tenderly, her heart aching as his confession poured forth. She reached out tentatively, brushing against his trembling frame with a gentleness that mirrored her empathetic nature. "Don't do this to yourself," she implored, her silver eyes mirroring his pain. "What happened was beyond anyone's control. It's not your fault."

But as she spoke, she could see the words bouncing off him. His wall of self-loathing and guilt was too thick, too entrenched for her comfort and logic to penetrate. She was challenging a lifetime of self-hatred- one she hadn’t realized even existed until a few moments ago, a deeply ingrained belief that he was a failure. In a desperate bid to get through to him, Mariah took a deep breath and murmured, "You've suffered enough, Caedes." The breezy air of the den stirred gently around them; it was a stark contrast to the tempest raging within him. Shadows danced upon his haunted gaze, each flickering ember reflecting the depth of his torment.

"There is no pain you are obliged to bear," she continued, her voice as soothing as she could possibly make it as her own grief began to manifest. "You were not responsible for what happened to Aurelia at the hands of Sephiran, or for your father's horrific actions. They chose their paths, not you." She longed to dissipate the storm cloud of guilt and self-hatred that clung to him like a second skin, but she knew that healing was a journey he had to undertake himself. Her role was merely to guide him towards it.

But her own tears began to flow down her face as she grieved for him. Grieved for the child who had been lost, the one who had died at the hands of his father, and that the man beside her held in such contempt. “It’s not your fault.” She murmured into the fur of his shoulder. “It’s not your fault.” The pup that cried as his father carved his flesh. “Caedes! Listen to me! It’s not your fault!” She pleaded, her voice breaking as she repeated the phrase like a mantra, each repetition punctuated by a heartbreaking sob. “It’s not your fault.” It’s not your fault.

Mariah listened to Caedes' torment, his raw pain and guilt carving a path through her heart. His tears, glistening under the soft glow of the firelight, were like shards of glass piercing her soul- they matched her own. She held him tighter, her chest expanding with a deep breath she barely registered, swaying their bodies together to alleviate any amount of the tension that she could. “But if beating and torturing helpless women to death while in labor of all things- bearing the children that killed her, probably through means she was not accepting to … Caedes, if that’s the standard of being a Saxe, why would you ever want to be one?” Her heart pounded in her chest, fear gnawing at her, but she forced herself to remain calm. She needed him to hear this, to truly understand. She knew Caedes- knew this man that she held. He wasn’t a monster- not anywhere close. But why did he insist on holding himself to the standard that monsters made?

“You are not broken, Caedes,” she murmured against the rough fur of his chest, her voice barely above a whisper. “Not to me.” her voice steady and resolute. “You are afflicted with guilt and remorse, yes, but that does not make you any less worthy of love or happiness, and I love you.” Mariah drew back slightly, her silver eyes searching his - probing, seeking out the depth of his pain.

"Mariah Mendacium"