If I Could Change

Rated X for heavy mention of pregnancy loss and depression

It had been more than a few days since Indigo and Aslatiel had saved her life and brought her back to Obscura to heal. Healing was far from the answer though. She had already come to terms with the inevitable, and soon she was passing the small beans that were her children. Healers from the pack helped by giving her some meds for the pain, but this wasn't like the last time. She could handle this own her own, by her own choice.

After everything had been done, she wrapped what remained in a cloth, not much to tell they were pups at all. Maybe that helped the emotional side of things. Not like when Indigo birthed their stillborns. She was still really sore from the beating she took, and the induced miscarriage but once she found the energy to leave the den she did, bringing the napkin of pups with her.

She made her way to the falls, knowing just where she was taking them. A memory she would never forget. Something that haunted her heart and soul to this day. Beside an unmarked grave that only her and indigo would have known near the base of falls she dug a second shallow grave to place the wrap in, and pulled the loose dirt back over them. She laid there for a long while, some of the physical and emotional exhaustion, but mostly because she couldn't find a way to make herself get up and carry on. She laid there like a shell, feeling nothing at all before the two litters of babies she couldn't keep safe. Her fault, no matter the reality. This was her reality. Indigo should have left her there at the shrine. She didn't deserve to be here near him, she didn't deserve these children. Her years spent beating herself until it actually happened, and she was still being pulled through. By someone else. She couldn't do it herself. She couldn't carry on herself. She didn't know how she would ever get up from this place again.

"Duchess"