Loyal No More [open]

Her eyes were shadowed, dark, she was remembering too much of her past, too much of the present, too many dreadful memories that bubbled at the surface, and it was all too much. This was the very reason why her psyche had shattered to begin with. She wasn't strong enough to handle so much pain all at once. Physical pain she could take, but emotional? It shattered her. It was why she grew so angry when he harmed Segar, it was not because he had acted as he saw fit or because they had broken a law, she understood why he had done what he did, but it wounded her emotionally, and she could not handle that. Already she was sealing her feelings for Segar within her mind, locking them away to never be felt again. She could not handle seeing that mark day in and day out and knowing he was flawed because of her.

"A wound inflicted upon my ear would have caused my pups no harm, and if still you did not wish to attack me, you could have waited until my pups were delivered, would it matter when I bore your scar?" Her eyes hardened at his next words. "It would matter little if you commanded they not be harmed. As soon as their backs would be turned the whispers would begin and they would feel outcasted. Can it not be enough that you have damaged Segar for the rest of his life?"

And finally her air of seemingly cold indifference cracked as he turned to leave, her mask crumpled and she spoke, whether she was speaking to him or the winds she knew not, her voice escaped her without her permission. "The virtues of family they are nothing but lies, petty illusions to help pups sleep better at night." Her eyes squeezed shut, crown dropping to her chest, teeth clenching against the sudden lump that had formed in her throat. Her frame shook, quaking with emotion. "If you knew anything of me at all you would have aborted my pups before you so much as touched a hair on Segar's head." Tears slipped down her maw, falling from her ivory fur.

"My so called family, they were good to me for a time. My brother fell ill with fever. He would scream in agony, his mind delusional, raving mad. I fell into my first heat and he saw not his sister, he was larger than me, stronger than me, by several pounds, he held me down, he raped me again and again and again. Bloody and in enough pain to fade in and out the rest of my family found me, they blamed me for what he had done. Damning me, cursing me and ultimately they banished me." She sucked in a large breath and still her frame shook. She hated these memories hated this feeling.

"My mind could not handle it, my psyche shattered, multiple personalities, voices, whispers. They never leave, I am never whole. My mind is never my own, I am always in pieces, always in fragments." A sob tore from her larynx and her tears came harder, she struggled to keep her voice steady. "Ghost is not my name but it tis what I am, it's the only way I learned to survive, detached, emotionless, distant.

"Segar was fixing me, making me better. They were rare but I had moments of clarity, times when my mind was my own again, times when I could feel love but that wound..." She slipped from her seated position, lying upon the sand, the force of her shaking too much for her legs to hold any longer. "Every time I see it, I know it is my fault that it's there, I remember everything they blamed me for, the pain of what my own flesh and blood did to me, their hatred, their banishment. I remember too much and my broken mind...cannot take it. My disorder, it steals my feelings for him even now, locking them away until I become that hollow phantom once more."

"That mark will be there forever and I cannot... I can't..." She broke, finally, her body coiling into a tight ball, burying her maw beneath the length of her tail, she trembled, shaking with the force of her despair, her sadness, her regret. Tear poured from her eyes and her body was wracked in sobs, she wished in this moment she could vanish, be swallowed whole by the earth and simply cease to exist. She did not want this life anymore.