Shelter For My Soul

The negative emotions about them, the fear and heartbreak, the loss and sorrow that each in their own time felt was so heavy upon him now. He felt he almost sagged beneath the weight of all they meant. He wished it had not had to come about, and his thoughts flashed back to mare moments early. To her embrace, to the feel of her against him so that he might drown against her presence, lose himself in an entirely different and good way, lose himself to the love and desire she brought about him. It was all gone now of course, replaced with this sorrow that melted the strength from his bones.



He stood before this dear wolf, this strong, fragile being who threw him so easily that he did not know how to fell, that one moment could be happiness and the next this void of misery. He stood before her and yet the distance between them now was greater than it had ever been before. He was not certain how this would end, if he could come away more hollow and empty then he had begun, if he would come away with empty hands and empty heart. His words did not make the mark they intended, once again they fell short and he struggling inside himself, fought? and gave up. His face would go slack with the misery of the moment. Perhaps it had never been the how perhaps it had always been the what. What he was trying to say to her just wasn?t good enough, and he never should have thought for a moment that it could be. How could he ask for any of her if he could not give all of himself in return?



She would laugh, an outburst that caused a jump of his muscles, and his downcast eyes to find hers once more. His expression puzzled and for a moment he thought he had driven her to insanity, until she would begin to speak. His unhappiness would be replaced by anger, his purple eyes would burn to his as she spoke, as she told him it was she who was not good enough. A growl would slip his tones, low and warning beneath his breeze. ?Whoever taught you this lesson was a fool. Othello. ? his breath hissed between bared teeth as he struggled with an anger of his own. In the past it had been when upset happened to his siblings that pain and revenge had coursed through his veins. Now? now a lot of that anger was faced towards himself. He was a fool, he was belittling her and worse than not see it, she believed it, believed herself a lesser thing. ?Don?t you see? Your willing to give up a part of your life to spend it by my side, you are truly honest with yourself and your feelings and you?re willing to sacrifice and give! Her I am asking if I can give less of myself and you have the gull to say it is you who is the lesser being?? He stopped his storm of words. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaws shut before he could worsen it further with his anger. But? by the gods he had more to say. He wanted to hold her gaze to his, to see it in the deep and true honesty of his soul how he believed and knew her worth. Instead he could not move for fear of his anger lashing out.



But she had said more than just that and in his anger he had almost missed it. As he cooled and waited behind his closed shutters and jaws he would take a moment to chew it over against his fangs. What she had said spoke again of her love and devotion to him, of how his lack of commitment was betraying her. Why couldn?t he? Why couldn?t he give himself wholly over to her? He ached to do so now, but again he could not. Something was holding him back and he felt to do so now would be to almost lie to her. He needed to do some soul searching first, he needed to travel, to find himself and hope to god he could come back more whole for her then he was now.



She would speak again, softly, and apart from the conversation they had just had. He could breathe again, the change chasing away his rougher emotions. ?I think I would like that..? he said softly, and he meant it, he would love it if she could see those that held a piece of him. Perhaps it would bring them closer, perhaps by meeting a person who held a piece of him it would help her become a part of it until he truly could give himself wholly over to her. He let the anger go, and it left him empty and exhausted. He sagged, and sat his rump heavily against the earth. He still couldn?t open his eyes, he didn?t want her to look at him and acknowledge the anger he had felt. Did not want her to know it was a part of him even if in the past it had always been used as a tool to guard, protect and fight for those he loved. He had raised his voice to her, he had snarled at her in his anger.. and he was utterly ashamed for it. He did not know what expressions she held, despite a burning desire to see and understand them. No, he wasn?t sure anything could get him to open his eyes again.



Then of course she would speak again, her words so soft and made for him, made to break free of all that he was feeling now, for she spoke of accepting herself. This was what he had needed and longed to hear, this was the why behind his anger. He could not bear for her to think less of herself when it was he who was being the asshole. Because still.. still! he could not promise all of himself to her.



Yet again she would open her maw and speak, to fill the silence he had left in its wake. She would speak, and shame him further. She would speak of him being the best for her, when he knew that it was a lie. A lie that he had somehow built, and she somehow believed. All his cocky self-assurance had melted away and he was seeing a side of him he had never seen before, a side of him wallowing in self-pity and a side that he despised. He breathed deeply again, and through closed eyes would speak for the first time since his anger. ?You are a far better wolf then I could ever hope to be?


"Speech"
'thoughts'