whatever it takes

Flaming eyes would soften, glossing over as the alabaster Dame spoke his name with tones still left from sleep. It had just the slightest quiver, telling him that somewhere deep inside she still had feelings for him. He had to grasp at that, it was all he had left of her.

Silver maw would part, his voice struggling to find a firm purchase with which he could create words. Finally his tones would escape soft and smooth as always. His bass chords would strike the air and mist out into a fog as it reached the late winters cold.

"Qanik, my....my..." He would stutter, falling back into his old habits of greeting his lover. He remembered the pained look that crossed her features briefly in their last meeting. He hated making her feel so uncomfortable. "My queen." He would finish, finding no fault in using her title.

Thick shoulders would relax then as a lung full of air escaped his loosening chest. Things would never be the same between them, but he couldn't stand the idea of losing another of the women that he loved over his own stupidity. First Peony, when he was off on a hunt. The pups shortly after. Now Qanik. The ivory queen had too strong a hold on his heart for him to not care.

Again his silver maw would open and again his deep tones would pierce the air. "I can not leave things between us in their current state. I have to tell you, to make you understand that the events following the quake were in no way an act of abandonment. In no way did I ever wish to give you the impression that I didn't care." A sharp pain would make itself evident in the man's chest as he spoke, saying the words that he could not have come up with on his way to her den. The words were simply spilling out of his maw, unrehearsed.

"The quake had me running from Valhalla, away from my home and into unknown terra. It was there that a large group of wolves had gathered to wait out the aftermath. It was there that I was reunited with my daughter and son. Melody and Fugue. Despite the joy of finding my children, still I could not keep my mind off of you and your wellbeing. I asked of you, and of Tortuga, surprised that Melody carried your packscent. She informed me that Tortuga had survived the quake and she had only ventured to our shelter recently in search of any that required medical aid." A sparkle of pride would alight in Flamesongs eyes as he spoke of his daughter. Her mother had taught her so well. A slight smile would grace his features before continuing on.

"I felt that my heart could rest a little easier at that point, knowing that the pack you lived in was safe. Yet I still asked to venture back to Tortuga borders to see for myself, to let you know that I was there for you. That I missed you. That I loved you." Again he would pause, feeling his throat tightening as his emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

"Melody was making me rest. I had taken a bad fall on my way out of Valhalla and hurt my hip. So I agreed to just a few more days, but then Fugue..." His feelings about the boy were still bittersweet. He had been so troubled. He spoke only of two names; Roman and Raisa. Spoke of the shame he had brought on the family and the pain he had caused those around him. Fugue had been lost and found only one outlet to save himself.

"He leapt out over the falls while we were all sleeping. Only one wolf witnessed it and even she was too far to stop him. It seemed that even after the burial, mourning him was not enough. Melody and I...well we truly feel that we are the only two left of our family. So I decided after that time had passed that Tortuga was the best option. Word of an epidemic and the challenge on Valhalla were strong on the wind, and Melody thought that even if I eventually wished to return to my pack it should only be after the challenge had ended. It took us an entire moon to venture back to Tortuga, and then I saw you. Alive. And my soul could not have felt lighter."

His eyes were locked on her sapphires, the happiness of her safety still strong in their depths. She had at least given him the gift of knowing that day that she had survived. Still the pain and cold exterior she had shown him on that day continued to haunt him. He felt that she hated him, and the guilt only grew because of it.

"I am not asking you to love me, Qanik. I'm only asking you to understand. I never stopped caring for you. I never will. And I hope that you can see me as a friend who will always think of your best interest no matter the cost." Suddenly his speech would stop and the silver man would nod, feeling a slight weight release from his chest from relaying his account of things. His amber eyes would search her features for anything; a question, an emotion, a sign that he had done the right thing in seeking her presence on this day. He didn't expect her to welcome him into her arms, he simply wanted something he could work with. Something to ease her pain, and his own.