The Weight of Living

*Qanik* · 01-25-2015, 12:03 PM

She was old - feeling older by the day. Developing a mild arthritis in her paws from too much abuse over too much of her life, the old warrior found her balance effected, if only a little, and the constant ache slid her into depression. No, it wasn't just that, though it was a factor. Alone the pain would have been tolerable. It was the feeling of uselessness, of abandonment, of betrayal that had compounded everything and opened that deep, suffocating black hole. She'd had nothing of stability since her family's pack had been destroyed. She had thought Tortuga could offer her that... but such a short time before it had been passed along to Roman - she'd been happy for some time there, until the disease had destroyed Roman's mind and created the would-be conqueror, the tyrant who had betrayed her covenant with her pack by attempting to lead them into an unjust war. She had finally found what she thought was peace among Solstice's ranks, only to be abandoned by the alpha. Now Solstice was Glaciem, and the name put the fur of her back up. They were asking for trouble, just having that name - but it seemed the Armada pack was to be no more anyway.

She had found Drashiel on his trek south and gotten the story from him. She'd respected the young man when he'd been alpha of Fehu, and she respected his decision to merge that pack with his Roman's when they'd produced children, respected him as a father as he protected his children on the long march from the north... and her heart ached for his loss. She had walked with them for a time to add protection as she had conversed with the father, but eventually took her leave to return to the north, to the former pack lands to the hidden grave Drashiel had directed her to. Roman.

They'd had their differences, and she suspected the Armada had hated her after Qanik had decried her rule, but Qanik had never stopped loving Roman. She had been like a daughter - as close to her heart as Gossamir, and Ritsuka, and knowing she had died broke Qanik's heart to pieces. If Qanik had made different choices, she would have been there to protect Roman, rather than miles away. More guilt, another burden atop a soul already faltering in the waves.

She was Solstice's beta - presumably still was, and there was more guilt there. She'd done nothing since they had made their way north. She had ignored the howls that called the pack together. She'd even ignored her alpha when she'd appeared at her den entrance, faking sickness and sleep when it was only her soul that was sick, her will to live faded.

Guilt.

Now she was out here, far from their current home, searching out her bolder son. She had done little for her boys, when she should have given them everything. Instead she'd left them to their own devices out here in the north. Miksa... Shtiya... they deserved so much better than she'd given them for a life.

Her paw slipped.

She caught herself before she was sent tumbling into the crevasse, but her fur bristled in alarm. The unusual warmth of the weather had the snowfalls here rather unstable, even more so than usual. A single misstep on the soggy snow could send her careening into oblivion.

Her anxiety for her son increased. Please let her be wrong. Please let the cold scent that led her hear not be his... she'd never been a great tracker and age could be dulling her senses. Let it be that and not that Shtiya had wandered in here...

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