Iron and Wine

The ferocity in the air around her was a stunning blow, one that knocked the wind from her chest even if she was not physically harmed. Kassander would move in front of Sindri before the smaller girl had time to reach Raisa, to tear into her... But the fire in her daughter's eyes was unmistakable. It was a killing rage, one born of such woeful torment. The once-queen could not find her breath. Kassander's voice dripped with something just as cold, even if he presented it with more restraint.

That same word continued to pour forth, assaulting her ear drums. Why, why, why. And she wanted so desperately to explain, if not to earn their forgiveness than to earn a true killing rage, one which would finally separate her from all this... this... Raisa could not think of a suitable word. But how on earth to begin? Was there any string of syllables that could express he thoughts, how she felt, the sorrow or the agony which plagued her like some sort of demonic poltergeist?

She drew in a shuddering breath, closing her eyes. If they decided to tear out her throat or something equally as pleasant she did not want to see it coming. "When you were born, all of you... I could not have been happier. Ebony was flourishing and we were strong. I knew you would be everything I'd ever wanted, even if I did not know it at the time. Everything then was about the legacy, the tradition, the future. But... I was wrong." She lashed her head back and forth, rejecting her memories even as she forced them upon herself.

"You began to grow. You began to become real, thinking creatures and I realized all at once that you were not instruments of Ebony's future. You were beautiful and perfect and willful and... and... I could not bear it. It was nothing like I'd known before, I could not shape you as we had been shaped for so many years. How could I press the needs of an empire upon such pristine souls, but how could I not?! I'd fought tooth and nail for the empire that was taken from me, since the day I saw your grandparents slaughtered." Could her children possibly understand? "It was war. War just for me, in my mind, day and night. Every time I saw your faces I wondered what would become of you. How in seven hells I was going to taint you and break you and force you to rule an empire I was slowly growing to despise?"

She swiped a paw against the ground, raking furrows into the moss there, baring her teeth. "And I left. I just fucking left because I couldn't handle it. It was driving me mad! I began to break then, fracturing and growing frail. I attempted to return because I knew you needed me but it only got worse and worse and worse, I-" She could not recount the memories left to her, that hazy horror which still plagued her at night. "I could not eat at first, I could not fight or hunt. My mind was a shattered disgrace. Without Koros," she turned to look at the small fox, "I would surely have died."

"When I collected myself, I began to seek out my old life to make amends. I have pledged myself to Katja, should she ever need me. I met with Virgil and left her to the jaws of an enraged bear for all that she had done to you, here's to hoping she's off rotting somewhere." Her eyes narrowed, that familiar bubble of rage stirring within her, still incredulous that her once-lover had caused her children so much strife. "I reconnected with Svetlana, who forgave me but once more we've been separated. I attempted to sway Valeriya as well but she would not have me. And now I am here, for you all. I am at your disposal... I don't expect you to forgive me, but I pray desperately that one day you might understand."

She bowed her head, dropped her gaze, waiting for the snapping of jaws or some word of anger or something that would give her a hint as to what the fates might have in store for her.