She was the real reason he had so desperately wanted to get a hold of himself, why he was so ravenously hunting for some kind of understanding. It might not make sense to her, since he was her assailant, but that woman was unlike the others. She initially appeared so fragile and gentle, and yet somehow she was now held higher than women he'd met twice her size. Despite what he had done to her, she listened to him that day...

Large paws carried themselves quietly over the same ground they walked upon when Zuriel and Elias last spoke, the only difference was that there were absolutely no signs of her or any other pack members she resided with. It took him a bit of tracking, but tracking and hunting were the only things Elias was certain he was capable of doing without flaws. It did not take him much time to track down Lirim, though now it was a waiting game.

He knew he was not allowed on the territory, he knew that even slight glimpse of himself might cause fear and concern. It wouldn't belong before their strongest were sent out to take care of him. Every scenerio that he played in his head resulted in blood if it started with him crossing that territory marker, so he had to come up with something else.

If he had to guess where he could possibly find Zuriel away from her pack, it had to be while she was searching for herbs found outside of it. Though, how could he possibly know what sort of herbs she needed? It was winter, and although the west is naturally warmer than the north, the selection of herbs that she might need was narrowing down to nothing.

He searched the west, passing over many bushes and roots stuck on saturated ground until he found himself at the shore. There was an island not far from him that he might be able to swim to. If his memory served him right, the last winter was much harsher and they had managed to find prey out on the islands to get by. If prey were surviving there, so could herbs.

The ocean was cold, almost immediately making him want to turn around the moment he walked in. He managed to get in up to his chest while he adjusted to the feeling of the water. It didn't take long for him to realize that standing still in the water was a big mistake, as the blood vacated every limb. He had to keep moving, so without further hesitation he set off with his head above water as best it could. Waves slapped across his scarred muzzle, invading his nose and forcing their way down into his lungs every so often. Dealing with that, and with the freezing water.. he wondered if Zuriel could even make it out here? Perhaps this was a bad idea, but halfway through..? He wasn't going to turn around. He would spend the night on the island if anything.

He could see the shore getting closer and closer as he continued to swim for his life, managing to swim with surprising speed due to his strong muscles and short fur. Unfortunately, the speed was the inevitable problem when he managed to invade a swarm of jellyfish. Before he fully realized what he had done, he could see them all around him. His heart raced on the verge of panic as he prayed for patience, skillfully doing his best to avoid and swim away from each one. It added time on to his already exhausting swim, by the time he got to the shore his muscles were screaming.

The behemoth collapsed right there on the sands of Silver Island, not even able to complete his task of searching for herbs. He had to catch his breath, he had to rest.. though it was in between breaths that he somehow lost his ability to stay awake.

She was worried. No, it was more than that. She was afraid. Even though she had always been close with her family, she never thought she could feel this strongly for another living thing until she had her children. With Miach and Kane disappearing her worry had been gnawing at her and her concern had been growing until it had developed into a full on fear for their well being. Dealos, Miach, and Kane were the only things in her life that really mattered now. Yes, she still loved her family and yes, she still cared deeply about herbs and healing, but they were her top priority. However, there came a point when she had to let her mind relax for a moment and let her worry wind down before she drove herself insane. She was already constantly tired as it was from the lack of sleep. The one thing that could still calm her down was looking for herbs, but it was the middle of winter. Everything was covered in snow and not a single plant around had a green leaf to be had. She could go down to the southern continent and look for herbs there, but she hoped she wouldn't even half to go that far. The islands and lands on the very edge of the continent came to mind and after she had ensured that her sister would look after Daelos she set off down toward the shore. She took her time with her journey, but she still made good time and made it to where the ocean was within view before the afternoon. Zuriel came down along the beach so that she could take a moment to look at the ocean, but while she was standing there she noticed an island not too far off from the shore that actually looked like it might have some greenery still vibrant and alive. She hummed thoughtfully to herself as she considered it and eyed the water warily. Even though the island looked to be warmer than most of the mainland, she knew the water would still be freezing. After debating the pros and cons for a while she decided that it might just be worth it. It wasn't that long of a swim after all. She stepped into the water and immediately reconsidered, but she decided to stick with her decision. Hopefully it would all be worth it. The cold water made the swim seem so much longer than it actually was and it took her a bit longer to arc her path around a school of jellyfish. Finally, her paws touched the sands on the island's shore and she dragged herself out of the water with a shiver. Her legs were so tired and her paws were practically numb. All at once none of that mattered. Another wolf's scent reached her over the strong scent of the ocean, but it wasn't just any wolf. Her head quickly turned to her right and her two-toned blue gaze landed on the massive male's form laying on the beach maybe a dozen feet away. Of all the places in this world he could be, how did he end up on the same island as her? And why was he just laying on the beach? She glanced back over her shoulder at the water and for a moment she really considered just turning around and swimming back to shore. Being alone on this island so far from everyone else with her former attacker didn't exactly make her confident. Their last conversation started to replay in her head and she gave a shuddering sigh. She had to check on him at least. She wouldn't forgive herself if she didn't at least make sure he was okay. There was just something about him that she wanted to like... it was just so hard to put her memories behind her. She forced her paws to move closer, and she made her way slowly down the shoreline till she was just a couple of feet from Elias. Her brows pulled together as she looked him over with a healer's eye. He didn't seem to have any open wounds or anything like that, but his fur was still pretty wet in spots so she assumed he hadn't been here for long. She couldn't tell if he was just asleep or passed out. Either way, he needed to move more inland before the tide came in and he ended up back in the water. She took a breath and padded closer and dipped her muzzle down to nudge his shoulder. "Elias? Elias, wake up." "Talk" "You" Think

Faint growls and whispers, memories of light touches from cuddling his siblings and then teeth tearing apart his flesh all played on a reel in his dreamland. The reel was moving far too fast for Elias to comprehend his dream, but he was gradually beginning to wake up as the gentle feeling of another's nose brushed into his shoulder. He wanted to move into the nuzzling feeling, though soon realized he was no longer dreaming when he felt the sand graze across his left forelimb when he curled it in closer to his chest to be able to lay on his side and lean into her. He stopped moving before he fully pressed his weight against the other one standing on the beach with him, once his conscious mind realized that someone was most certainly beside him. His lighter gray eyelids began to part, his eyes just a few shades darker than they would be on a day where they reflected light in open sun.

For a moment, he thought about whipping his body around as fast as he could and baring his teeth at the other to prepare to defend himself, but the feeling still lingering on his skin from where she brushed through the short fur on his shoulder told him that there was no need. He remained cautious even still, and slowly turned his head so he could see her. As soon as he looked up and realized who it was, her scent and image hit him all at once. She was soaking wet and shivering, which brought him immediately to his paws. "Are you alright?"

There was a panic manifesting itself within his mind, his blood rushing despite the cold as he let himself worry. The emotion immediately scared him, as he had been doing his best to remain centered in order to remain in control of his psyche. He took a breath and looked away from her for just a moment, though kept his attention on her and all the while offered his ears to listen. He just needed to recollect, and after a quick shake of his fur to free it from loose sand, he was able to take a few steps away from her and turn around to face her with a bit more confidence that he would be able to keep it together.

Zuriel's ears flicked as Elias rolled more onto his side, shifting closer to her in the process. At least she knew he wasn't knocked out now. That was a relief at least. She looked down at his face while he was still asleep and for a moment she could see that softer side of him that she had caught a slight glimpse of the last time they were together. If, for just a moment, she could erase all of the darker memories of him she could actually see the good in this behemoth of a scarred man. She stumbled back a couple of steps when Elias was suddenly on his feet in front of her. What little worry and uncertainty that was left in her mentality was brushed away when he spoke. "Are you alright?" She wasn't sure why this one sentence surprised her so much, but it did. She watched him with confusion for a moment before she slowly nodded her head. "Y-Yeah. I'm fine. I was going to ask you the same thing." Looking at this man now in the daylight, after seeing his eyes closed so peacefully for a moment, she almost couldn't place him in the memories from that night. It seemed impossible for this man that was standing there, concerned about her well being, and visibly trying to keep himself together to be the same man that attacked her. The memories had swirled around in her head for so long now and had gotten darker and more twisted over time so they felt even worse than it actually was. "What are you doing here?" she asked once she finally got her thoughts to catch up with her. She was still a bit wary, but probably not nearly as much as her brother and sister would want her to be. She gave herself a quick shake to get some of the water out of her fur after a breeze came by and reminded her that she was chilled to the bone. "Talk" "You" Think

Keeping a solid hold on his fragile psyche became easier once she started speaking, a look of bewilderment slacking on his facial expression when she mentioned wanting to ask him the same. She was concerned for him, as well? A murderer and now a rapist, he knew himself undeserving though it was not the action's reflection on himself that astonished him. It was the reflection it made on Zuriel, was she really so caring? Did she genuinely feel a need to help everyone, including and not limited to her attacker? It was inspiring, and if only for a moment he wished he could experience what it was like to be behind the eyes of Zuriel, what it was like to feel that need to help. He had only ever felt that need for his nieces and nephews, though.. in his upbringing there never was any room for such kindness.

His ears went back as she questioned his motives for being on this island, those cautious rubies drifting away from direct contact with her own eyes. Whatever it was that was driving him to see her, he was not ready for her to read such a thing in his eyes. "I was looking for you. I know I am late.. I said I would return so long ago, but I did not want to risk losing my.. temper. I thought you might turn to the island during the winter for the herbs, I expected to wait days if not weeks.. though it appears fate had other plans." Courage built up enough throughout the duration of his talking that his large skull slowly turned to face her once again, if only for the last few words. He witnessed her shivering and instinctively took a step forward, getting himself in line with the wind as much as possible to create a physical wind breaker. He was scared to touch her and make her uncomfortable or frightened, so instead he stood with their coats less than an inch apart.

Quietly, his massive frame shadowed her.. providing she did not move away. His thick neck twisted, lowering as he searched for her eyes. A small nod toward the direction of the foliage that made up the island's 'treeline' signaled his readiness to go. He was conflicted on what would be a better way to travel together. Should she lead and he follow, or would that make her nervous with him behind her? It would be polite, would it not? Given their history.. perhaps not. Splayed out toes dug into the sand as he started to move, keeping himself in her vision as much as possible while he escorted her off the frigid winter shore.

While she had a hard time directly meeting his gaze, it was made easier by him not quite meeting her gaze either. Her eyes traced his scars the same way she might follow the veins of a leaf she was inspecting. There was so much history and pain in each of those marks that she couldn't quite comprehend. As a whole she had led a pretty easy life - even with the last year or so included. Yes, she had been raped and had become pregnant because of it, but she had a supportive, protective family behind her and three children that she loved dearly at the end of it. She had no visible scars on her body and she had never had a reason to fight. She hadn't even really ever gone without a good supply of food. She had been afforded with the luxury of spending her days learning about herbs and collecting them from all over Ardent without having many other worries in her way. Having pups did complicate that some, but when she had an alternative path of her life standing in her face she felt incredibly ungrateful. The surprise on Zuriel's face was telling when he mentioned that he was here looking for her. She didn't know the extent of her impact on him, so when she heard that he had come all the way out here with just a hope that she might come out this way was incredibly confusing. A small part of her wondered if she should be worried that he wanted to find her out here on an empty island, but she felt no malice from him. She had never expected anyone to go looking for her or want her presence besides perhaps her family. The idea of anyone, especially someone like Elias, finding such unusual ways to see her was unbelievable. She had wanted to help him and was glad, in a way, to see him again. Zuriel just hadn't expected for this to be the way she did it. Her gaze met his briefly before he started to move. She tensed slightly and her eyes watched him closely, following every movement with scrutiny. But she didn't move. For a moment she gave him her trust and she simply watched as he shifted closer. It wasn't until she was in his shadow that she realized he was blocking her from the breeze coming off of the cold water. She looked up at him with surprise once again, searching his face for a moment. She remembered how hard it had been for him to be near her the last time they were together and now to see him standing at her side and looking down into her gaze was astonishing. Maybe even more so was the fact that he had thought to be so kind as to help keep her from the chill. What happened between now and then to curb his behavior in such a way? Zuriel followed his nod with her eyes and looked toward the treeline for a moment before looking back up at him with a small nod. Whatever tension had been in her shoulders was now gone, though she still kept a close eye on him all the same. She followed his lead when he began to move, staying just slightly behind him so that she was standing at his shoulder. She actually had more trust in him than she thought she would, but it still made her feel a little better to have him fully in view. She already felt better now that she was away from the strongest of the breeze and didn't feel such a chill. "I'm... glad to see you're doing okay," she said quietly, glancing over at his face. She looked away for a moment, watching her own paws move across the ground. "You haven't seen any of my... our... children, have you?" She liked to believe that he would tell the truth if he had and that nothing bad would have come of it, but she had also seen his mood swings in action. She just had to asked since he had been one of her worries after Kane and Miach went missing. "Talk" "You" Think

Her expression of how his state of mind was making her feel, 'glad', earned a bit of doubt out of Elias. Not in her, but in the truth behind those words.. was he okay? He could not recall a time where he'd ever felt quite... okay. He so desperately wanted to be, however. Desperately enough that his ears perked and his neck drew back only slightly, making him appear a bit taller while his crown lifted daringly higher. After all, he couldn't recall a time where he'd felt this.. in control of himself. Perhaps he was really okay? Was this what okay felt like? He assumed 'okay' meant.. a state of mind without fear of losing his temper, without fear of harming people when that ticking time bomb in his head destroyed the man he wanted to be. Perhaps that was paradise.. and this 'okay' was a small blessing he hadn't really noticed before.

He'd never been as sure as he was right now that he would not end up harming someone against his own will. Zuriel was held with such high regard to Elias that he harnessed his emotions and distracted himself with incredible stubbornness so that he would always do his best not to give into his emotions. He was fragile and he knew it, but he was beginning to discover... a pattern.

No one wanted to admit when they were afraid, and although all his recklessness might label him to some as brave and fearless.. there was not a time in his life that he could recall not feeling.. afraid. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of returning home, afraid of never returning home, afraid of not living in the moment due to being afraid, afraid of disappointing his father, afraid of losing control, afraid of killing, afraid of losing his own life, afraid of LIVING when he knew madness clung to the darkest parts of his mind with a death grip. Fear had been ingrained so far deep into his psyche that at even the quietest of summons, a beast so foul and immaculate that it's presence shook him to his very core arose. It was impossible for him to go a day without it, despite how seemingly unbreakable everyone viewed him.

His scarred, squared muzzle turned to her as his doubt began to manifest. He was doing the best he could to remind himself of who's company he was in, and to hang on to the very words that had just sent his mind for a whirl. She meant what she said, he was seemingly okay.. and that was an incredible accomplishment that he needed to let himself enjoy. Why.. was he so uncertain?

Then, she grabbed his attention from himself without him even asking her to- and without Elias even catching such a change in thought. Suddenly, she'd presented a new question that brought him out of his own skull entirely. Why was she asking about their children's whereabouts, did she not know herself? His walking stopped just a few yards into the ferns of the island, his weight resting now there in the sand mixed dirt. Of course, she would know where they were right..? Zuriel seemed so responsible, it would be unlikely for her to lose them. Was she.. worried he would do something to them? Perhaps that maybe he would go hunting for them? His ears went back as he felt the muscles around the scar on his chest tighten, it was always the first feeling that alerted him he was becoming tense. Without that stubborn scar tissue, he might not have even noticed his anxiety rising.

"I would never seek them out without your permission, Zuriel." He said simply, void of any emotion to the best of his capabilities. Suddenly, Elias was back to stone.

A heavy guilt settled down on her the moment that Elias stopped in his tracks and she saw the stone cold expression on his face. Her ears flicked back as she turned to face him, her mouth opening to speak, but nothing came out. What could she say? She wanted to insist that she knew he wouldn't hurt them, that she trusted him, but did she really? She couldn't say those things when she had wondered if he had done something to them and when she had considered turning around and leaving this island when she saw him. "I didn't think you would have gone looking for them," she replied once she figured out a truthful way to put what she wanted to say. "I just... I'm sorry. I don't know what I thought." She sighed and glanced away from him, her ears flattened back against her head. "Miach and Kane are missing and I guess my imagination just got away from me. I'm sure they're just being adventurous boys and they're fine, I'm just... I'm really worried about them." As Zuriel was speaking she realized all the sudden that she hadn't seen Elias since before she gave birth to them so he wouldn't know what she had named them or even how many children they had. Her eyes flew back up to his own with an indescribable feeling. It was some strange, unexpected mix of guilt and joy. Guilty for not finding him to share that information before now and joy because she finally could. "There's three of them," she said with a soft smile, her expression growing wistful and loving as she described them. "Two boys and a girl. Daelos is the girl and already loves herbs maybe even more than I do. Miach and Kane are the boys. Both of them got your height and your eyes." Her focus returned to Elias' face, pausing before she added. "I want you to meet them... if you want to. They'll be a year old this spring." "Talk" "You" Think

The guilt on Zuriel's face was indeed easy to read. Almost as soon as Elias had stopped moving, he could see the change in Zuriel's expression. Such a feeling of guilt coming from the woman caused Elias himself the very same feeling, his heart sinking just slightly as she continued to speak. So she did suspect that he'd done something to them..

It wasn't like Elias could blame her. After all, he wasn't even entirely sure that in the right circumstances a meeting between himself and the children might end badly. When his brother's litter was born, his brother's mate wouldn't even allow him to go near her children. He was too unpredictable, and her mother's instinct simply warned her to be cautious of him. In all honesty, the fact that Zuriel seemed worried was only natural...

That didn't mean he had to like the way things were. He wished he could trust himself not to.. turn.

When she offered for him to meet them, Elias suddenly began to feel very cold. He watched her for a long time, uncertain on how he should react to this. He had just internally came to an understanding on why she wouldn't want him around her children-- their children and now she was offering him to meet them.

His heart began to race at the thought of seeing them, seeing their faces. He remembered how proud he had been of his nieces and nephews, how much of his aunts and uncles he could see in those newborns. It was extraordinary, and it would only be all the more remarkable when looking at children he knew were his own. But, what if...

His ears went down as he looked away from Zuriel, he had to be realistic. He could say yes right now and meet them, but he knew the dangers.. and it simply was not worth the risk. He decided to push off his final answer so that he could first give Zuriel some insight. "My brothers and I.. we disappeared a lot when we were their age. I got this scar on my forehead from my mother's wrath, there was a time Ace and I left for months. When we came back, she didn't know how to react. She was so sick with worry, probably already told herself we were dead. We were so behind on our training... I'm pretty sure she kept us grounded up until the day she died, all because of how much we scared her." He smirked, "If they have my height and my eyes.. I guarantee they have my wanderlust. I just hope that's all they inherited from me. The girl, I am glad to hear she is taking after you..."

Subtly, his demeanor began to break. It was hard to fight off the sadness that had been building within him, and now.. as he was about to admit his denial for her offer, it was nearly impossible to hold away. "I do not think it's wise to introduce us quite yet. I still do not.. trust myself completely. You've given me a lot of hope, Zuriel.. you don't understand what I mean by that but you have.." His eyes searched hers for a moment before they had to break, the feeling behind their eye contact simply overwhelming him. He couldn't speak while holding it, so instead those rubies drifted down to the dangling jewel hanging in front of her chest.

"I still do not trust myself not to hurt you, and especially not them. I wanted to ask.. is there any herb that you can think of with a.. calming effect on it's patients? Perhaps something that makes it harder.. to react or think? I imagine most would hate that sort of side effect, but... I don't know. When my emotions get high, I lose control. I don't know how to keep them... low?" He was so unsure of what he was saying, he had no idea if this were the right route to approach or if herbs were even a possibility for aiding the sort of problems Elias had. Something about this woman told him that being around her would lead him to the right answer, he just didn't know how they were going to get there... or if it was even right for him to depend on her like that.

"In the mean time, I would like to help you track them. If we start getting too close, I will back off."

She didn't want to say that it was comforting to hear that this disappearing act was something that Elias and his brother had done, but it was. It reinforced her idea that they had simply gone on some kind of adventure rather than something more sinister happening to them. She breathed a soft, relieved sigh at the idea even though she knew the possibilities were still wide open. Zuriel knew what he meant when he mentioned hoping that their sons hadn't inherited anything else from him, or at least she thought she did, and she wanted to tell him that they hadn't shown any of that instability. But the boys had been gone for a while now and they were still young so she didn't want to have false information or hopes. The good thing was that as long as they came home she could keep an eye out for it and help them sooner rather than later. A surprising amount of disappointment tugged at her when Elias denied her offer of meeting the kids. She tried to avoid thinking about the fact that her children really hadn't had a father figure of any kind and it was possible at this point that they never would. She had loved her father dearly despite the fact that his blindness had kept him from participating in large chunks of their lives. She had actually grown closer to him after his maiming when he had decided to peruse healing for a time. Zuriel liked to think that she was doing well enough as a parent on her own, but she was nervous for the day that one of them might ask who their dad was. She would paint Elias in the best light for them if the day ever came, but she was sure it would be hard on them all the same. Zuriel was greatful for the change of topic when Elias requested some information on an herb that might calm his mind. Her mind was like an encyclopedia as she ran through various herbs and plants she had run across in her life time. Her eyes drifted for a moment and her brows pulled together with thought. "Lavender could probably work... it is very calming. I just don't usually recommend taking it over long periods of time. I've heard it could be toxic if you do that." Her expression grew more thoughtful as she reached back in her memories. "Lady's Slipper can be used as a sedative in small doses, but I'm not sure if that's exactly what you're looking for either. There was one herb... I can't remember the name of it... I've only seen it once when I was very young, but I seem to remember that it could help with anxiety and stress so that could be a possibility if I can ever find it again. I'd really like to learn more about it before I gave it to you though." She looked back up to his face while she wished to herself that she knew exactly what she could prescribe him. "There are so many herbs in the world with so many different uses that there has to be something that can help." She nodded and smiled softly in agreement to his offer or perhaps request to help her track their sons down. She was moderately good at best when it came to tracking and hunting so she approciated the idea of having help. Maybe they could find him something to help with his instability in the mean time. She was surprised by the fact that she was happy to have a reason to spend more time with him. It was a tug of war between her common sense and her emotions when she looked at him, but it was a tug of war she was willing to fight. "Talk" "You" Think