The time spent with her pack mate had only briefly made her forget, made it easy to push back the thoughts on her sister's death. The pack mate was now gone and Actaea was alone, completely alone. She made her way back from the plains, her walk slow as she tried desperately to keep her thoughts distracted. She didn't understand why that task was growing more and more difficult. She hadn't returned to Acere or Ignis, but instead wandered. Questions began to resurface, worries began to swim within her mind. She grimaced before tossing her gaze to the sky to observe the stars and to try and connect the stars to create shapes in the sky. It managed to work, for about 5 minutes. Grunting she quickened her pace and darted her gaze around searching for something else. She would continue this, find something to occupy her then when that quit working look for something else. She felt she had to, that it was the only way to get past this hurricane of emotions threatening to take over. She was hoping to just bury it, lock it away because she didn't know how else to properly deal with it. What happened on the mountain and Ruina was no longer talked about, Uncle didn't allow it and she was able to simply bury that. She had to just had to bury this pain. This went on for a while before she ran out of distractions and the emotions blew forth with such power that it made the young girl snarl while she pressed her head into the trunk of a tree. Gritting her teeth as tears once more began to drain from her eyes. She growled in frustration and in pain glaring at the bark with such intensity. She was by the roaring rapids at this point and they were so loud that hopefully no one could hear her growling and snarling. Her body shook before she rocked backwards and shifting her head. Snarling her white teeth were bared before she began snapping onto the bark and ripping and shredding any pieces she could get a hold of, displacing her frustrations on the tree. "speak" & 'thoughts'

It was good to have Epitaph to help her with the little ones. He was already proving to be calm and patient with them, and easily kept them out of harm's way. He provided them with warmth and supervision any time Shaye left the den. She might have gone insane if she hadn’t had his help. It was for this reason that she felt confident in leaving the den and stretching her legs, going for a light jog as she often did, to burn away the pregnancy fat. She was running at a light pace past the rapids when she heard snarling and what sounded a little like a battle. Her ears went back in surprise before she picked up her pace, running now until she found the source of the noise - her apprentice, and a tree. She slowed as she approached, breathing quickly and out of shape. She appraised Actaea cautiously, seeing the craze in her eyes as she ripped the bark from the tree in what looked like a fit of rage. “What has the tree done to wrong you?“ she wondered, her voice neutral, through she was already on the verge of an idea on what had happened. Her young apprentice had found something out, something Shaye had wanted to protect her from. "Talk"

She was wrapped up in displacing her emotions, venting in a rather unhealthy way. Emotions had not been something she was taught to deal with. Her mother hadn't even had the time to teach her. She had suppressed a lot since the night she was saved by uncle, mostly because Uncle never liked to talk about what happened. It was his way of dealing with the emotions, but for her she hadn't figured that out yet. She was alone, or so she thought, and so she kept grabbing and shredding bark. If she wore herself down enough maybe she could bury those emotions again, maybe she could get rid of them all together. She had a large piece of bark within her mouth ready to shred it when suddenly Shaye's neutral voice rang out through the air, shattering her fit of rage instantly. For a moment she stood there before her eyes looked to the damage she had done to the tree. She didn't realize how much she had ripped away the bark and to actually see and register that she had done that destruction made her just drop the piece in her mouth and flop back onto her haunches. She was ashamed, staring at the ground and unable to look at her mentor. Her ears laid flat against her skull like a pup being caught doing something wrong. Her eyes still wide as she simply stared at the tree, unable to even form words that would make sense. How would she even begin to tell Shaye? How could she even explain these feelings when she really didn't know what they were. She took a shaky breath. She was no better then her father, she was a failure at being a good girl and maybe that's why he left her, why he hadn't bother finding her when he came back. The only thing she could do was drop her head and begin to sob unable to do anything else at this moment, overwhelmed by everything hitting her, blaming herself, angered by her father. "speak" & 'thoughts'

Her voice broke through whatever had possessed her apprentice. She saw her still, and come back to herself through the rage. She seemed surprised at the damage done to the tree, and dropped was in her grip. Shaye watched her, concerned, but didn’t approach until the younger wolf began to cry.

It seemed not that long ago that her Uncle had cried on her shoulder, feeling the emotions wrought by his brothers actions. Now here was Actaea, emotionally hurt, lost. Shaye took a deep, slow breath. Pushing down her rage. She wanted to tear apart that monster, that stupid arrogant piece of shit wolf who had somehow created something so beautiful in Actaea and Ignis. It was the only right thing he had ever done, and even then his actions hadn’t been okay.

She crept forward, gently pushing her apprentices head with her own, nudging it until her muzzle was across Shaye’s shoulder, and then she pulled Actaea tight, and held her close. “You are precious and wonderful Actaea, and I consider you my daughter. You can come to me, alway, any time of day or night, about anything. You know that, right?” She whispered softly.

Actaea didn't fight, she didn't even try to fight against Shaye as she gently pushed and nudged her head until her muzzle was across Shaye's shoulder. She sobbed as Shaye pulled her close letting her cry, letting her get it out. The embrace she had never experienced before, she couldn't even remember her mother holding her like this. Actaea found it surprisingly comforting and even though she was still sobbing, the embrace brought a sort of warmth over her heart that made her feel physically better. Her sobbing softened as Shaye began to whisper to her, her ear perking to take in her words. "I...... I....... Can?" she asked to confirm. Shaye wasn't her mother and she didn't really expect to hear that Shaye considered her like a daughter. She didn't have much of a relationship with Zuriel before she disappeared from her life. She didn't really have anything like this with Zuriel but at the time she had never gone through anything like this either. She closed her eyes as she tried to calm herself. "I just don't...... understand.... why.." she said. "Was I not a good enough daughter, were we not good enough children for him and mom?" She wasn't sure why she was asking Shaye. Shaye didn't know her mother or father and Actaea knew she wouldn't know why he was doing all this. She just felt the need to verbally say what was within her mind. "speak" & 'thoughts'

Actaea let her hold her tight, and Shaye wouldn’t let go easily, holding the young girl, and feeling her sobs wrack her body. She was caught between a feeling of hopelessness, an inability to make this right, and hot rage. She wanted to tear apart the ones that had hurt her Actaea, she wanted to rip them to shreds for their stupidity, their recklessness, their lack of compassion. Everything that Actaea was not. Her apprentice was a thousand times the person her father was.
“Yes, absolute yes, even if you just want to talk about nothing, if you just want company, my door is always open to you” she whispered gently back to her apprentice.

She couldn’t help, though she tried to stop it from slipping through, she growled as Actaea questioned next what was wrong with her. deep breath she reminded herself, she couldn’t rage, not here and now. Actaea needed her. She needed to push aside that demon that lived inside of, raging out against the wrongs of the world.
“There is nothing wrong with you Actaea, nothing.” her voice was more ragged then she would have liked. “Some people.. Some people see the world in different ways. They see it for what they can get the most out of it, they want to take and take, and don’t care who they destroy along the way. Then, there are some people who only want to give, to make things right in the world, to forge on, and learn. That’s who you are, don’t let the takers destroy who you are, Actaea, because who you are is brilliant.”

There was something about the way Shaye spoke to her, handled her that helped her calm down. It didn't completely wipe them all away, but it defiantly helped. She used to feel suffocated with this kind of closeness to another, but now she felt sharing space with those like Uncle, Ignis, and Shaye made things better and brighter. It showed her a whole new light to the world. It made her wonder if her father was just mad and getting worse since his disappearance. Shaye stated she was always welcome and put emphasis on the word always. This meant she had someone to go to, maybe she could help her express her emotions in a more neutral way? She calmed down further, sobbing stopped, but she didn't try to break away from the embrace. It felt secure and it made her feel better. She feared if she broke away everything would come back and the emotions would drive her to do something else destructive. Hearing Shaye growl caught her a bit off guard, but she cut it off before beginning to speak. Stating and emphasizing that there was nothing wrong with her. Her explanation lead to what Shaye thought of her, telling her that she was brilliant and to not let others destroy who she was. It made sense, but it didn't explain why. She knew before hand that Shaye wouldn't have that answer, the only one who would was her father, but she didn't want to see him at all. She sighed and buried her nose into the fur on Shaye's shoulder. "speak" & 'thoughts'