Days came and went as Philomena struggled to accept the new reality she found herself in. Spring brought her birth season… another year of life lived… but where she should have felt accomplishment, or even happiness, Philly felt a sense of dread. The blazing, hopeful light she had felt as a child was now but a smoldering ember and she didn’t know how she was going to rekindle the flame. The hope she had thought she found at Pegasus’ side… she had come to the conclusion it was all an illusion brought on by her own desperate desires to feel that things were going to be okay. He hadn’t loved her. He had felt badly for her at best… and so, in a way, she had seduced him she supposed. The thoughts made her stomach churn. She was no better than some harlot…

The woman was so, so lost. A shell of her former self… She had started with everything and lost it all, hadn’t she? No… She glanced down at the small bundle of fur snoozing near her side. Not everything. Not yet.

Seeing Meme brought a different sort of pain to light. Her daughter served as a reminder for the man Philly had loved, desperately wanted to see things change with, a reminder of her own lost family and the faintest glimmer of hope. Philomena would have lied, however, if she said she had expected to see Memento Mori survive. Somewhere, in the deepest, darkest corners of her heart Philomena was certain that one day she would bury this young one as well when she, too, was taken too soon.

Philomena pulled herself from Meme’s side. Dark thoughts like this were normal now… more-so when the woman was alone. She didn’t leave the den often and, if she did, it was only at her daughter’s insistence that she did so. Meme was holding her together… and Philomena would have been lying if she said she wasn’t terrified at the thought of moving forward now. Life seemed to constantly be testing what remained of her sanity… and Philly hated it. She hated feeling this low… but she wasn’t sure how to break the cycle of negativity she found herself in.

The woman left the den but knew she wouldn’t go far. Even when Meme was with Cel the only times she really strayed from the den was to relieve herself or get a drink at the falls. A heavy sigh passed her lips as she sat near the entrance of the den, well hidden and guarded thanks to Cel… that was another thing that pained her. He wasn’t her mate, hell, he had no reason to do everything he had done for her and Meme… but Philly was so grateful he had. Her little girl looked at Cel like a father too and Philomena hadn’t the heart to correct her. The little one looked so proud, felt so special, because she had two dads and her mom even if one of her parents weren't there.

It was still early… and Philomena supposed it would be a while yet before Meme actually awoke. She allowed her gaze to sweep the landscape once, noted that there was no immediate threat, and then let those blue hues fall to the earth. It was chilly… but Philly welcomed the cold.

At least she was still able to feel something.

Célestin had devoted himself fully to the maned woman and her child, a girl he thought of as his own daughter now... the daughter he could never have had with Pegasus but who they could have shared. In a sense it was almost as if he'd gotten to have the family he'd wanted with Pegasus... except obviously his lover was missing, having taken the secret of their love with him and leaving behind a broken woman who had never known about their connection and the child he'd needed as an heir. It was days like this he felt the flower woven into his fur all the more, the last thing Pegasus had left him personally. Just as Meme was the last thing he'd left Philomena... a poor trade in his estimation. Not that the child wasn't amazing, she was better than he could ever hope to be, but all the woman had ever wanted was Pegasus' love and instead, she'd been forced to face the idea of raising her single surviving child all by herself. Maybe that was why Célestin had felt like he had to help... or at least part of it. Now as Célestin mused, feeling the weight of his blue rose behind his ear, he carried a hare in his jaws. Breakfast for the woman and her child. Dual toned gaze found the maned woman herself outside the den, a rare sight and Célestin felt panic rise in his chest, had something happened to Meme? "Philomena?" He asked, his voice full of his worry as he drew into ear shot, dropping the rabbit at his paws and searching the woman for signs of new grief. speech think action

She hadn’t expected him… his arrival catching Philomena off guard. For a moment everything she felt was in the open, in her eyes, written on her face, and then Philly reigned it all in as if to guard what little bit of herself she had left. Her ears were flicked back but, registering the rainbow marked male’s worry, she was quick to say something.

“Ah… Meme will be delighted with breakfast when she gets up… seems she got pretty tuckered out yesterday. She’s still sleeping.” She didn’t let her blue gaze linger on him long -- just enough to confirm that Memento Mori was alright. That heaviness hung around her though, despite trying to guard her facial expressions it was obvious in her posture; slumped shoulders, downcast gaze… it didn’t take a genius to figure out her heart was plagued with sadness and had been.

“She… is not my first.” Philomena confessed softly, not looking at him.

“I probably made him feel bad… because we couldn’t find my other children… because Venti had died…” Her words were quiet and, if Cel listened close, he could hear the pain that edged them.

“I’ve… never been a good mom… nor a good daughter...” She took a shaky breath.

“...I don’t think he even loved me...” Those words hurt her and yet the young woman took care to make sure her voice did not crack. She shook her head, as if trying to dislodge the negative feelings digging their way deeper into her mind, body, and soul.

“...and one day I’ll lose Meme too.” The last words were barely a whisper as she squeezed her eyes closed. Everything felt so cold, so hopeless… the embers of the fire within were dying… and if something did not stir them to life soon then Philomena, too, would be no more.

Soft blues met his searching gaze and Philomena spoke, Célestin breathed a soft sigh of relief as he felt the tension bleed out of him. Though he could still tell something was bothering the woman and he took a tentative step towards her, settling onto his haunches at her side though he kept a conservative amount of space between them. Philomena spoke and Célestin listened, watching her from time to time but otherwise simply giving her the space she seemed to need to vent. Célestin wasn't certain if he knew she'd had another litter before this one, some part of him thought he might have seen her with a pup or two at her heels once but then he wasn't sure, maybe he was simply making those memories up, lead by her sad tale. He didn't speak at all until she mentioned her insecurity about Pegasus. Unable to stop himself Célestin muttered an agreement: "I know how that feels." He said it more for himself than anything else, a soft confirmation that no matter his feelings towards the woman that they were in the same boat, abandoned by the man they had once thought loved them. Still, his ears perked when she spoke of their daughter and he shook his head. "Philomena I promise I will do everything in my power to protect her." He couldn't promise no bad would ever come but he loved that little girl with all his heart and he'd fight tooth and nail to protect her from whatever the world threw at her. Célestin sighed, feeling the words pouring out of him now. "You remind me so much of my own mother, I didn't realize it as a child but she suffered greatly throughout my childhood. We weren't exactly wanted you see. Not that she didn't love me or my siblings but we weren't born from any sort of loving union. My father raped her." Once that truth had felt like the weight of the world on his shoulders, a shame, a burden but Pegasus had take it from him, told him it wasn't his cross to bear; he was still a good person, that wouldn't change just because his father was a scum bag. "She loved us but she struggled, she was scared of everything, my brother and I felt we had to care for her, but someone older and wiser than me told me I had to live for myself. It wasn't supposed to be my job to look after her." He looked at Philomena then. "I sometimes wish she'd opened up to us instead of retreating inwards. She had my uncle, she had a whole pack who could help her but she collapsed inwards, she cracked under the strain. It killed her." He blinked slowly. "You don't need to tell Meme anything until you think she's ready but I hope you'll share with her someday. But until then, please come to me. For yourself, and for her." speech think action

She was silent at first, even at his promise to do everything he could to protect the child. She felt her heart clench in her chest, not yet looking back to Cel, even as he began to share pieces of his own childhood. At mentioning the fact that his own mom had been raped she couldn’t help but let a single word slip past her lips; “Gods…” To be forced… she could think of little else to truly break a woman. Her own children hadn’t had both parents present, no, but she could at least say they had not been born as a result of such a vile act.

Philly continued to listen, shifting her blue gaze back to him. She’d wait for him to finish, mulling over his words, before she started to speak. “I am sorry for what happened to your mother… I… can’t imagine the pain that must have caused her.” The first words were for his mother. “Thankfully… both litters I had came about under better circumstances. Though neither knew the one that sired them.” Her words were quiet but, by the fact she was trying to speak, to share anything more with him, showed that Philly at least wanted to try and reach out. She was making an effort even if it was hard.

“I don’t know how much you knew of me through Pegasus, if anything…” Philomena shifted a little. “But before I get into speaking of my kids… I need to go back further in my life.” Memories she had been running from.

“I was born to the alpha pair of a pack called Dragoste; Ganta and Roza Lore. I had a single littermate, my brother Ulric, and we were the only children my parents had.” She could still picture those days in the willows as she played with her brother, her parents surprised at just how large their kids were…

“I was still pretty young when I met a stranger at our borders. Naive…” She gave a half hearted chuckle. “In some ways I was lucky. The man was my uncle… but I’m afraid he and my father weren’t exactly close as kin should be. I went away with him… I didn’t realize that, that morning I had woken up, would be the last time I’d see him alive. I was with my uncle for months… and when I finally tried to come back…” She shook her head.

“The Abraxas came. Their Emperor, a man named Amon, claimed they respected our borders until my father arrived? Bullshit. Proceeded to disrespect my family and the fact that many of our pack tried to flee, yet when the Abraxas were pretty much all around my height, if not bigger and bulkier, then why would they stick around to be enslaved by creatures who trespassed and tried to cut off their escape?” Her gaze burned with fire.

“Pretty lies twisted to suit him was what he tried to feed me. My brother and I were taken to the Empire and while it was true we were not guarded carefully I’m no fool. If we had dared tried to escape before he sought to make us “messengers” as he put it then I’m sure he wouldn’t have been so “kind.”” She growled.

“He called my family, the wolves who followed my father spineless, called them worms because they fled before the Abraxas. Dragoste meant LOVE for Gods sake! They were not warriors… what else COULD they do!?” It had been too long since she had spoke of this, shared her thoughts, her hurts, that it came out now far more intense than ever.

“My father did challenge him, foolishly, to a deathmatch. My dad knew he wouldn’t win… he wanted to buy time, a flashy show for them so his people could, hopefully, escape those who invaded us. Amon claimed to offer us salvation, some honor among the heavens and eternal glory… yet he didn’t give them a choice. It was conform or else… and damn everyone who stood on the “wrong” side of things.”

Philly took a breath.

“Both sides were wrong… but I view the Abraxas more so. They took my father… they did not have to end his life to prove a point. Their emperor chose to. Just as a member of their pack chose to bring dishonor to Yale for being a member of the pack.” She glanced at the den, ensuring Meme hadn’t come to peek and see what was going on before she continued.

“I managed to keep my family together for a little while after my brother and I were freed from the Empire. I met my companion, No Face, and thought about forming my own resistance to the Abraxas… The Deliverance.” Her tone shifted.

“Things… admittedly got muddied around there… My mother slowly disappeared. I had a few one night stands with some men. I can’t say that there was love there either… and I hadn’t actually expected to get pregnant with my first litter.” She frowned.

“Two boys and two girls… it seemed perfect. They didn’t know their father but I had loved them. I loved them so, so much. Each of them so different, yet so unique…” The anger faded from her face.

“They were still relatively young when my brother disappeared… I met Pegasus around that time too.” She sighed. “Hearing about Yale fueled my desire to find strength, to find followers, so much so I began to neglect my own children without meaning to do so. I was blinded by my need for revenge, to avenge others who were hurt, that I forgot about what should have been most important.” Her gaze fell, shame entering her eyes.

“One of my daughters fell ill.”

Philomena shuddered.

“...and because of my damned stubborn pride, my unwillingness to reach out to a pack for help I watched her life slip away. Dylas had run off as she was falling ill and I suspect as a last effort to save Venti… Evangelos and Nausicca tried to find a healer too… but by then it was too late. She was gone… and I had only myself to blame.”

She squeezed her eyes closed.

“No Face tried to help me find them. I sought wherever I thought I might be able to find them… and I realized what my parents must have felt when my uncle coaxed me away.” She felt tears stinging her eyes and dared not open them.

“Pegasus took me to Olympia… I felt so guilty… and I guess he took pity on me… said something he must not have been sure of… and in my desperation to feel things were okay, that things could have another start I…” There it was, her voice cracked and Philomena crumpled to the ground with a whimper.

“The gods punished me for that… they took Meme’s siblings…” Even though she tried to fight the tears they slipped down her face regardless and, when she opened her eyes to look at Celestin, she looked so broken, so helpless, begging to be told that what she thought was wrong.

“...I don’t deserve her…”