Patchwork Staccato

Mojito · Updated 04/30/23:

Mojito really needed to get away for a bit, not too far from his new home... no, but away. He hadn't expected it to be so painful to be so close to Aslatiel... and yet force himself not to go crawling back, to not let himself simply fall for her all over again. He'd had nowhere else to go, he knew he was never going to be accepted by his family in Ashen and Sirius at least gave him a purpose, a place he could feel he belonged. But that didn't make being in close quarters with the girl that had stolen his heart any easier, and while he was trying to throw himself into his work, into what was expected of him it was hard when a stray breeze brought her scent to him, or he spotted her on the horizon. His heart skipping and a tsunami of mixed emotions threatening to drown him.

How could he still desperately want to be with her after everything? After she'd told him that she could never return his feelings... not the way he wanted her to anyways? That she would never be just his. He should have been happy to share her, that's what he'd told himself when he'd gone home that day... He shouldn't have felt so gutted, he should have been grateful she wanted him at all. That he wasn't worthy of more than that...

Somehow the part of him that had loudly been shouting that he'd never be as good as the wolves around him, that he'd always be just a dog, had been dragged to the front of his mind since then, even as he'd been fighting it all his life. And yet, he couldn't let himself simply accept what little he'd been offered by her... he wanted more and somehow was stubbornly holding onto that even as he became more and more convinced that it was his own heritage that made him unworthy of it.

So yes, it was difficult sometimes being in the Armada, and the boy recognized he needed to escape for a bit, to try and re-center himself. He only planned to take a short break, taking some time to relax his body and hopefully, start sorting out his thoughts. To that ends he'd chosen the hot springs, knowing at least that the heat might help to calm his chaotic mind. It was hardly fair, he knew that. The feeling of inadequacy he struggled with, his cousins had been born into privilege, the knowledge that they didn't need to prove themselves to each other... to the rest of their family. They had been born Kleins and that had been enough for them... and yet that hadn't been enough for them to accept him... He'd been working his paws off since he was a pup and had never so much as earned their acknowledgment.

Maybe that was what had drawn him to Asla to begin with... she'd made him feel like his heritage made him special... not lesser than. She'd always loved his soft flopped ears, had never treated him like he was just a dog... And maybe that's why it had hurt so bad. Without her, he didn't know who he was, except not good enough, never good enough, and all because of something he couldn't control. He'd never asked to be a half-breed after all.

Mojito tried to shake the downward spiral of his thoughts as he approached the springs, aware of the stale pack scent... He chose one of the pools, gently slipping into the warm water, feeling his body starting to relax as he allowed himself to slide into, for a moment, one blissful moment he was totally focused on his body and the way the heat was slowly untangling the knots in his muscles he hadn't even realized were sore. A contented sigh pulling from his lips...

And then he was alone with his thoughts again... Mojito breathed shakily, tipping his head back to gaze up at the sky as if his answer would be up there. But of course, it wasn't, he knew that it was only going to come from himself, but he silently wished he knew where any of his siblings or parents had gone. All he wanted, all he needed right now was to not feel like he had to put on a front, be strong because any weakness he showed would just give them all just one more chance to tear him down... but his immediate family would never do that, and he needed help, guidance. He couldn't navigate his tangled mind on his own anymore.

Mojito sunk deeper into the pool, closing his eyes and willing himself to simply relax himself into semi-consciousness, at the very least if he could reach that peace that sleep offered he could be given some respite from his own inner critic...

He wasn't sure why he'd thought anything else would help.

WC: 824

"Speech"

Image by Ulfeid3

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