Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

While Cosette had been thrilled to have found Indigo and to have been brought home by him, with each passing day it became abundantly clear to her that she had not fully shaken the ghosts of her past. She noticed he had found another young, purple wolf with whom he spent much of his time with now, and she immediately began to withdraw. It wasn’t because she didn’t like the other girl, she hadn’t even met her to be able to form an opinion, but she found herself worried that he would forget about her. It would be easier if she could say it was her choice to walk away this time, rather than being left behind again. It was possible that she was being unfair, she had no claim over him, but she couldn’t deny the distinct pang in her chest when she realized what was happening. She knew she was nothing special. Her mother had made it very clear to her from a young age and despite his promise to never leave her behind, the nagging voice in the back of her mind never let her forget that her own family had abandoned her. So why wouldn’t he?

She had left the pack territory, feeling the need to get a little distance to think and breathe and try to detangle the mess of thoughts that threatened to overwhelm her. So far, it had only amplified the renewed sense of loneliness though. It reminded her of being on her own again, made her wonder what would happen if Indigo really was tired of her. What if Resin decided to kick her out if her friend no longer vouched for her? She was letting her imagination run away from her and felt almost guilty for feeling the way she did, but it was impossible for her to shake the weight she felt pressing on her chest.

She was so deep in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice the gnarled root jutting from the ground and she suddenly found herself falling forward, her head smacking on a rock. It stung, but she knew the wound was only superficial. Regardless, she couldn’t find the strength in that moment to stand, and she began to cry. It was quiet at first. Soft sniffles escaping as she laid prone in the snow, but within moments she was sobbing. Heavy, chest trembling sobs. Images of her mother leaving her behind flooded her mind, and she was soon picturing Indigo in the woman’s place. Thoughts of what had been, and what she feared may be to come. It was too much for her to process and even though she knew she was being a child she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

It wasn’t until she heard the soft crunch of snow signaling someone’s approach that she finally lifted her head. It was a strange creature, something she’d never seen before, but it looked like some sort of massive rodent. The creature seemed to be moving towards her with intent, and so the tiny girl quickly pushed herself all the way up, ready to flee back to the Hallows. Luckily, though, the creature didn’t seem to be interested in causing her harm. The strange thing wore a worried frown and stopped just before her.

"Why do you weep like that, child? Surely your head can’t hurt that much." The voice was stern. Not overly harsh, but not particularly sympathetic either.

Cosette shook her head. The wound wasn’t that bad, but it had certainly pushed her over the edge. This was something she’d been holding in since long before she even met Indigo and it had finally all boiled over when her old insecurities were given new life. "No, I’m alright."

"Well you certainly don’t seem alright. Let me have a look." The stranger set down a small bag that Cosette hadn’t noticed before, and while she was wary of the stranger, she obeyed the command without much thought. “There’s a bit of swelling, but it’s nothing a little lambs ear can’t fix.” The strangers voice was a bit softer now, and her touch was gentle as she felt around the wound, pressing a bit of snow to the spot afterwards. “A bit of cold can be good for these things too.” There was a pause as the stranger stared at Cosette for a few moments, as if trying to figure something out. “It helps to talk about it. Whatever it is that made you cry so much, and I find strangers are often easier to talk to than those you have to face every day.”

The words made sense, and the girl could feel the words building in the back of her throat, but she feel foolish as she tried to imagine herself spilling those thoughts to the rodent that was treating her bumped head. She lowered her gaze, starting off slow. "I guess I’m just scared." She paused, glancing up to see an expectant gaze, the creature waiting for her to go on. "I’ve never been good enough, and I’ve found someone that makes me happy, and makes me feel safe. I’ve never felt that before, but I’m worried I’m not good enough and that he’ll leave like everyone else has. He’s all I have..."

Indigo wasn’t just some boy, and while she’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought him to be very handsome, and perhaps the thought that maybe, possibly, someday he might be more than just simply her friend occasionally flitted through her mind, he was also the only thing in her life that made her feel grounded. It had only been a short time that she’d known him, but he was solid and real and he didn’t make her feel like a burden when she was with him. It was only when they were apart that the doubts crept in, and the more she pulled back the more those doubts rose in her mind. He had saved her and right about now she didn’t feel like she was worth being saved.

The stranger sighed, a gentle smile lifting the corners of her mouth. It was the expression she had seen other mothers give to the other children in her old pack when they needed comforting, a look she had never been on the receiving end of, and she felt a pang of longing in her chest at the reminder of all the things she had so desperately craved all her life. “I don’t know how you got to where you are, or what might happen next, but I can tell you this; You are what you make of yourself. If you decide to be good enough, then that is exactly what you are. Crying out here by yourself won’t make you feel better. If this boy makes you feel safe, you should talk to him about your worries and fears. The worst thing that can happen is that he confirms what you’re thinking and then you can go about moving on with your life and choosing a new path for yourself. You can’t do anything to change things that aren’t within your control, but you will have an easier time facing those challenges if you know what is to come.”

It was solid advice, even Cosette could see that, but she wasn’t sure if she would be able to put it to use. Talking meant being vulnerable in a way she wasn’t sure she could handle. Her mother had told her as a child that vulnerability was weakness, and weakness was not to be tolerated. What if opening up made everyone turn away from her for good? What if Indigo only liked her because she smiled all the time? And beyond all that, how could she explain how she was feeling without sounding crazy and jealous? The idea of trying to put to words what had brought her out here was mortifying, but she simply nodded along.

The stranger frowned, as if knowing that Cosette wasn’t ready to face her demons yet, a touch of sadness in her gaze. She had crushed the lambs ear and began placing it on the swollen scrape in contemplative silence, sitting back once she was finished. A few moments of silence passed before she reached into her bag again, pulling out a small bundle of lavender and setting it down in front of Cosette. “Take this with you, it will help with the ache in your heart. Only a little bit before bed. It will make you sleepy, but you don’t want to take too much.”

"I- Thank you..." The stranger's kindness had been so unexpected, the encounter leaving her feel more confused and numb than anything else. She still felt the shadow of grief, but as the stranger gave her a final nod before rising to leave, Cosette found herself rooted to the spot for several long minutes, thinking about everything that had transpired. She wasn’t sure how she felt, or what she would do when she returned to the pack, but she rose stiffly to her paws, picking up the bundle of lavender, before setting off on her way home. It felt too odd to remain sitting out there in the snow, but she also didn’t really feel like returning. Her cheeks were damp, her eyes puffy and bloodshot. It was plainly evident that she’d been crying, and she desperately hoped she wouldn’t run into anyone from the pack in this state. If she was lucky, she’d be able to slip back in, past the borders and find a quiet, secluded place to go to sleep early. She would try the lavender and see if it helped, but she doubted there was anything that could alleviate this persistent grief.

Words: 1,627

"Speech" || Thoughts

Indigo spent the day with Duchess yesterday, after waking up together it seemed a natural course to go along together the rest of the day. While the girl was an excellent distraction, and he was truly coming to care about and for her, there was no patch big enough for the hole in his heart. Aslatiel stole it from his chest and now he spent the days coping and trying desperately to cover the gash. Along with his sister another often found her way into his thoughts, especially when they were apart. Cosette had been a little distant and Indigo was beginning to worry about her too, he promised to protect her but he’d been doing a poor job of it. He would blame his own self absorption in the turmoil that constantly raced through his troubled mind.

The yearling shook his thick pelt as he crossed the border of the Hallows and followed the girl’s scent. He was immediately put on edge, feeling a nervousness deep in his chest as the safety of the pack fell behind him. He tried not to return to the day when Rue died, but the fear was already gnawing at his belly. Indy promised to keep Cosette safe, no matter what he had to uphold that vow. A man was only as good as his words, and thus far his word had been worth nothing.

His heart was racing when another scent mingled with Cosette’s as Indigo grew closer to his quarry. There was no blood and eventually he found that both went their separate ways. Indy took off at a lope, his voice echoing around him. ”Cosette!” He didn’t mask the anxiety in his voice as bright blue eyes searched for the girl’s dainty form. Massive black paws stumbled through the snow and wild brambles in his now frantic search. Oneward he went until the grove revealed its jewel.

She looked unharmed, but he didn’t miss the look in her eye nor the evidence of her emotions. Indigo approached slowly, his heart still beating like crazy in his chest even as he lowered his head and his ears. ”Cosette?” His voice was soft but breathless. Indigo knew how to protect from physical harms of the body, but he could scarcely soothe his own emotions. He didn’t really know how to heal a broken heart.

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

It was just her luck that her absence had not only been noticed, but that her friend had come to search for her. She could hear his frantic voice call her name and stopped in her tracks, frozen to the spot. She hadn’t wanted to worry him, and while a small part of her had insisted he wouldn’t have cared, she knew better than that. He wasn’t like her mother, she knew that, and she knew that it wasn’t fair of her to behave as though he was. She let out a small sigh, turning to face him as he approached. Her gaze dropped to the ground as she let the bundle of lavender fall to her paws so she could speak.

She forced herself to meet his face, curling her lips into what she hoped was a smile, though even if she managed a halfway convincing smile, it didn’t reach her eyes. "Sorry, I just wanted to go for a walk and I didn’t want to bother you." If she hadn’t been feeling so strange about herself, she would have happily sought him out to ask him to accompany her, but she hadn’t been herself for a little while now.

"I hope I didn’t worry you too much..." Her gaze broke away from his again, and she looked down as if suddenly transfixed by the violet flowers laying in the snow. She poked at them and gently rolled the bundle beneath her paw, trying to push down the sense of shame that swept over her. It would be impossible for her to hide how upset she’d been, and she’d hoped she wouldn’t have to face him until she was more in control of those feelings again. She wasn’t sure she even knew how she felt, or why, but she imagined he would have questions and she owed it to him to try and explain the best she could.

"Speech" || Thoughts

No matter what, Indigo had promised Cosette that he was going to look after her. The boy truly adored the tiny girl, he cared about her and wanted nothing besides her happiness and to see her blossom into the beautiful butterfly that she was. To his own more selfish desire Indy wanted to keep her safe, he couldn’t live with himself if something happened to her. The relief he felt when he saw her unharmed was indescribable, but he could see the emotions on her face. Indy could see the turmoil behind her smile and feel the uncertainty within her. Bright blue eyes caught the lavender bunch as she dropped the bundle and brought her gaze to him.

Something was bothering her, Indigo couldn’t guess himself but he tried to perk slightly as her sad voice lifted to the air. She hadn’t wanted to bother him, but Indy would have stopped the world for her if she needed it. She went on, hoping that she hadn’t worried him more than she needed to. Indigo could see the shame in her as she looked down at the bundle of flowers.

Indigo didn’t say anything at first, he stepped forward slowly. To give her plenty of time to deny him if she wished. The yearling aimed to curl his much bigger form around her tiny body, with a gentle touch to her cheek as he tried to comfort her. For a moment he was unsure if there were any words to speak to her. His blue eyes lowered to the lavender on the ground. ”You know, lavender is my favorite flower.” Indy told her softly. ”You’ve received a special gift.” Indigo hadn’t been able to find the flowers in a long time. Indigo grew quiet, aiming to squeeze her lightly, so glad to have found her safe and sound. If she wished to tell him about her deeper thoughts he would listen, but he would push her if she did not want to.

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

She braced herself for him to be upset with her, but no scolding words came. He was quiet, and she felt anxious as she waited to see what his reaction might be, but also comforted, even if only a little, by his presence. When he moved closer, she stayed perfectly still, trembling sightly at his touch. The gentle gesture was almost enough to make her emotions boil over again. Her eyes stung and she sucked in a shaky as she leaned into him.

When he did speak, it was only to comment on the flowers she’d been given. They were his favorite and she was suddenly much more glad that she had them. "You can have them. As a thank you for everything you’ve done for me." Her voice was quiet. She had planned to try eating the flowers like she’d been instructed, but Indigo deserved them more than she did, and if they were his favorite she felt like he should have them.

She wanted to tell him what was bothering her, but even now she had already lost the words she’d used before. And she didn’t feel like she had accurately described everything to the stranger. It was a hard thing to explain. She had everything she had always thought she wanted. A safe place to call home, and someone that actually cared about her. Maybe it wasn’t a lot, or as much as she may have had if she’d been a better daughter to her mother, but it was more than she had before. So why did she still feel this way? Why did she feel the need to pull away whenever he wasn’t near, while being able to fall into his embrace as soon as she saw him again? It didn’t make any sense, but he deserved some sort of explanation. Surely he would be able to see she was upset.

She took a deep breath, pawing at the snow as she tried to think of how to begin without sounding too foolish. "This… might sound strange, but do you ever feel almost more alone and isolated the more you think about the people who care about you? I just… When I’m alone, I start going through these mental spirals where I think about you and how lucky I am that I found you, but then it makes me think about how I got to you, and everyone and everything I lost along the way. Then I start to wonder where I went wrong before, and how I could have been better, how I could have been good enough to have not been left alone like that in the first place. But then I start to worry that maybe… Maybe you won’t really be here forever..." The words tumbled out of her mouth too quickly, and she wasn’t sure if any of it made sense, or if she seemed absolutely crazy.

"I was supposed to die, you know? That’s what my mom expected, and probably wanted, when she left me. It’s pure luck that I survived long enough to meet you, and if I hadn’t I definitely wouldn’t have survived this endless winter. I feel like I cheated death, and I’m not really supposed to be here. I keep coming back to that and I can’t seem to get past it. I don’t know… I can’t explain it, but ever since I really thought about it, everything just feels wrong somehow." That still didn’t seem right, but it was as close to an explanation as she could get. Her feelings were far more complicated than even she could understand, but maybe he would be able to help her sort through it. Or maybe it was something that she would grow out of.

"Speech" || Thoughts

He could feel her hesitation and the way she trembled as he got closer to her, she was frozen and he felt panic flow through him. Had he gone too far? She seemed to relax a little as he spoke about the flowers at her paws. Without any hesitation Cosette offered to give him the fragrant bunch of flowers. ”That’s very kind of you, but I’d rather share them with you.” He offered her in a deep whisper, gently nuzzling her shoulder in thanks. ”We could make some evening tea together.” Indy suggested further as he tread carefully forward. Indy wanted her to lead, he was scared to cross a line or take his affections too far.

Cosette was quiet for a long moment, and Indigo didn’t interrupt any further, he was a silent presence. He wanted to be here for her, he wasn’t entirely sure how besides quietly listening. She’d made her way into the world by herself, and his own inner anxieties flared as he wondered what he might have done to cause the distress that was so obvious in her stiff form. He was patient, and eventually she took in a deep breath before letting the words tumble from her lips.

She asked him questions but they seemed more rhetorical especially as she went on. Indy listened intently, dark ears perked forward and bright blue eyes lingered on her delicate features. Those ears would lay back against his skull as she told him how lucky she was but she couldn’t forget the wolves to come before him. She continued, explaining the cycle of her mind. From luck to guilt to fear. He tried to offer a word of reassurance as she went on, but nuzzled her shoulder instead. Indy wasn’t sure he could understand where she was coming from completely, he struggled with his own demons. They could be compared and considered similar enough that he could nod understandingly.

She spoke and bared her heart to him, her dark details lingering as she struggled through. Indigo’s expression remained understanding, but also serious as he spoke as her voice quieted. ”First, you won’t get rid of me until you send me away.” He assured her. He promised that he would care for her and he would never take that vow back. Indigo couldn’t help but offer his supportive affection again, nuzzling her shoulder. ”Second, I don’t think you’ve cheated death. I think it was fate or destiny, whatever you’d like to call it. Luck had nothing to do with it, I think you were meant to find me.” He told her softly, trying to assure her of his own thoughts.

”I… don’t know how to convince the feeling of wrongness to go away.” He whispered, feeling just as lost as Cosette did. He struggled very hard with his inner emotions but maybe trying to help the dainty girl he’d also help himself. ”But I’m here for you. I’ll do whatever I can.”

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

He declined her offer to take the flowers, offering to make tea for both of them instead and she quietly nodded. That would be nice. If they were his favorite flower, maybe he had a better idea of how to use the herb as well, and she could watch how he made the tea and learn something new.

She couldn’t help but notice that he seemed just as hesitant as she was, and wasn’t as quick to touch her as he normally was. It made sense, and was probably one of the main things that pushed her to spill her thoughts out. Any time he did reach out to her though, she would lean into the touch to show that she appreciated the contact. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that her dismal mood was his fault, or that she was pulling away because of him. He had done so much for her, and the idea that her distress might affect him negatively made her feel a new layer of guilt on top of everything else.

He was quiet as she spoke, and she didn’t feel like he was judging her, and he didn’t look at her like she was crazy. It was a good start and helped to ease at least a little of her anxiety. He assured her once more that he would always be there for her, unless she sent him away, and she nodded. She couldn’t see herself ever doing that, but the idea of clinging to him when she could hardly do anything for herself made her feel selfish. Would he ever let her know if she became a burden to him? The more assurances he gave her, the more she doubted he would, and she didn’t think she’d have the strength to separate herself if she ever felt that she was becoming more trouble than she was worth to him. It meant she would need to do something to make herself useful sooner rather than later.

She thought about his words as he told her he would help her, wondering what could be done. Neither of them had any clue, but if he was right about this being fate, then there had to be a point here somewhere. "I think… Maybe if I start working towards something real it could help. I feel useless, and I promised I would be more than just a mouth to feed and a body to protect, and I don’t feel like I’ve done that so far." She paused, glancing up at him before dropping her gaze to the flowers again. "I think I’d like to start training as a healer." That would be a start, at least. It would give her something to occupy her time, and give her a purpose beyond just existing and trying to help with small tasks here and there.

"Speech" || Thoughts

She responded to his touch so Indigo ventured a little closer as he aimed to wrap one massive arm around her in an affectionate embrace. Cosette leaned against him and that was enough for him to pull her a little tighter as he tried so hard to soothe and comfort her. She was a tiny wolf, and he couldn’t imagine there ever being a time when she felt like a drag on him. He wanted to see her pretty smile and hear her laugh, if she could do that in his presence he would consider all of his efforts put into her fully reimbursed. He just liked being in her presence, it was as easy as their fast friendship.

Silence fell between them for a long moment and Indigo gladly just held Cosette to his chest while she thought about his words. Her sweet voice sounded again, hesitant but determined. The girl needed to feel useful and Indigo would do whatever it took to get her to such a point. ”You’ve made me smile, that counts.” He tried to assure her, but he knew it wasn’t really what she wanted. ”I think that you would make an excellent healer.” Indy told her confidently. He’d picked it up from a young age, surely he could help teach someone what he knew. Especially a student like Cosette.

”Cosette.” He started then, shifting slightly so he could nuzzle her cheek and then find her verdant gaze. ”I.. I think I want to leave the Hallows. Not as a loner,” he tried not to make this sound like some scary thing. ”I want to lead a band, and… It would mean a lot if you came with me.”

Heart made of glass, my mind of stone
Tear me to pieces, skin to bone

She smiled and shook her head at his comment about making him smile. It was nice to know that he benefited from her being around in some small way, but it wasn’t enough to just make him smile, and luckily he seemed to understand that. She just hoped he was right about her making a good healer. Maybe if she healed enough physical ailments she’d get a better understanding of what was broken inside of her, and maybe she’d find some way to fix that, too.

Her brows furrowed as he began to speak again, wondering what had caused him to want to leave the Hallows. Had she missed something that had caused this change of heart in him? She was about to ask where he planned to go, the words ready to rush from her mouth before she had even really had a chance to think, but he continued to explain before she had a chance. He wanted to lead a band? That was so exciting! The news of course didn’t cure her of her previous doubts and heartache, but it was surprising and exciting enough that she was able to push past her own negativity to shift her focus entirely onto his news. "I’d follow you anywhere, Indigo. I think you’ll be a great leader."

She still wondered what had made him think of going off on his own like that, but regardless of the reason, she was glad for it. She’d liked the Hallows, but she thought that a smaller group led by Indigo would be much more her speed. She was still quite anxious about her place in this world, and wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to prove her worth enough to have fully earned a place in any pack, but her friend made her feel comfortable and secure no matter what. She wouldn’t have to worry so much if she was under his leadership, and perhaps that would make it easier for her to open up to others more, and give her some space to learn and grow without the pressure of not feeling good enough.

"Speech" || Thoughts