It felt like it had been... ages since she lost the babies. So much had happened since then... or maybe it was just how much she was outside of the band. Duchess had found ways to help her fill the void, even if it wasn't permanent or long lasting. She wanted to feel anything, something to make her want to stay here on this earth. It wasn't much, but it was enough.

After she had been missing for some time, Emersyn had brought her back and put her back at home. She almost felt like it was harder here with her ailments than back at the prison cell. She knew truly how Gypsy felt, or so she thought. Maybe she wasn't being so mindful. She acted stronger than she was these days, she didn't want anyone to pity her. She had put them all through enough.

Was it night? She couldn't tell sight or not other than the fact that the band was camped out and Emersyn on the usual patrol. She was learning to use her other senses as time went on as hard as it was. She didn't know that the blindness was actually temporary and would be lifted at some point.

She quietly made her way over to Indigo's den, sneaking in as if no one else could see her. Her paws were careful entering, searching for his form. Once she made contact with him, she attempted to find her way between his massive paws, facing him. If she had found a way to make herself feel better, maybe it would make him feel better too.

"Duchess"

Duchess is an !M rated! character for themes of Depression. Please Discord me if you have concerns.

Indigo hadn’t even realized that Duchess was missing, where he was once so concerned and careful about keeping his wolves safe and happy now it felt like there wasn’t even anything that mattered. The young man had no intention of doing anything drastic, no matter how hard life made itself he never contemplated taking his own life. Everything was broken, and felt irreparable, but there was a part of him that held onto hope and told him that someday everything would be made whole. Somehow his life would return to that perfect path he had once seen so clearly before him.

Now everything was dark, figuratively and literally. The sun did not appear any longer and it seemed like the world was echoing his innermost feelings. He was a shell of his former self, but where his mind deteriorated his body did not. He went through the motions with ease, taking care of his duties and helping the band survive through the winter. Without the added mouths that they had expected.

Indy felt like he cried himself to sleep every night. Alone in his sorrow as his downward spiral was hidden from the rest of the band the best that he could. He knew they heard him, and were well aware of his state, but no one could heal the broken heart beneath, they couldn’t return what was lost. No one could.

What he didn’t expect that… night… though every moment was night Indigo was resting at the moment he felt Duch’s tiny paw press against his hip. Her slender form slipped in beside him, and Indigo didn’t fight as she wriggled into his arms. He didn’t have it in him to rebuke her, not after everything they were forced through together. Not after she felt the same pain he did, and avoided him for so long. He sighed heavily and pulled her closer as tears slipped from his eyes and he continued to grieve.

"Speech"

She couldn't help her own relief as Indigo held her closer, like the tension that she created in herself being around him had just melted away with the acceptance of his touch. She stayed there a long while, clutching into him with her own rain of tears to follow suit with his. What they lost was greater than what they would ever know. If Duchess ever birthed more of Indigo's children, they would only be reminded of the ones that had no life at all. At least in Duchess' eyes. Indigo may have believed in a brighter future, with or without Duchess, but she did not.

She could have almost cried herself to sleep along with him here in his warm embrace welcoming from what they had lost. But she didn't. Raising her head her chin rested on Indigo's chest as if she could still look past her blindness and look up into his face. With her own wet cheeks, her paw slipped between their chests to gently wipe the tears away from his eye whether he acknowledged her or not. With no more waiting, she pushed her muzzle forward into his, wanting to give him a long, slow, gentle kiss. Her own intentions had been buried even by her in this moment, because everything she had missed from Indigo in the past months was steadily coming back if only for these few moments.

"Duchess"

Duchess is an !M rated! character for themes of Depression. Please Discord me if you have concerns.

Indigo usually had Gypsy beside him, and if he hadn’t all this time he wasn’t sure where he would be. She hadn’t left his side and for that he would be eternally grateful. He knew how terrible his company was and yet the tiny blind fae stuck to him, no matter how coarse he was. He felt like he hadn’t even seen Duchess since the day their children died. He hadn’t sought her out and she hadn’t tried to find him either. Maybe the distance had been exactly what they needed. Who knew where their relationship might go after this, but the last thing Indigo wanted was to think about trying again.

He’d always wanted to be a father, he loved puppies and craved the joy those little lives brought. He wasn’t so sure that this pain was worth that though. Indigo didn’t know if he could do this again. Not that those thoughts were truly on his mind, he tried to keep his thoughts empty. When he started to think too much was when he truly began to hurt, this numb middle ground was far preferable to the hurt he felt when he acknowledged reality.

Duchess was warm and comforting in his arms, different from both Gypsy and Segin. He could smell the tears on her cheeks just as he felt her paws lift to wipe away his own. He would have relaxed back into the furs of his bed, but Duchess shifted, lifting her head to press her muzzle against his. With delicate affection Duchess kissed him.

Indigo wasn’t ready for physical touch like this. He hadn’t been with anyone since Aslatiel had left him. He wanted to stop her, he needed to stop her, but his heart wasn’t in it. He kissed her in return, but it was much more subdued, a gentle affection instead of the burning desire they once shared. His spirit was broken, and nothing made that more apparent than this.

"Speech"

She kept him there, with just the gentle deep kiss as long as he would have let her. She wanted to help him in the way she had found herself, it was her reason for being here. But now that she was here, tight in his arms, her mouth to his, she found herself down a deeper hole than she in was just a moment ago. She almost felt like she was draining Indigo's pain as their time went on together, not that he was really feeling any better or showing that. But her own mood had plummeted into a despair almost as harsh as his own. She was down at the bottom of the pit with him.

Her face pulled away from his carefully, like if they detached she would shatter them both. "Indigo..." Her breath caught itself from the tears that they had shared, "Please..." her voice broke while her sightless eyes closed and she almost fell limp in his arms, "Please kill me..." She had been walking through her life since the loss almost carelessly, like life was no longer worth living. But she hadn't had the thought of ending her life herself. She knew in her heart that she wanted to die, even if this was just a part of grieving for her. She felt like everyone hated her for sabotaging Indigo. She didn't feel beautiful or worthy enough for him. And without him and the band, she felt there was nothing for her. "I did this to you." She had withdrawn into herself, her voice almost hard to make out like confessing how she felt was just too painful to say out loud. She had went against his wishes, caused his sister to leave him, caused him to experience this horrific loss. She felt like everything was pointed directly at her. She couldn't help feeling these emotions, even if what she believed wasn't entirely the truth.

"Duchess"

Duchess is an !M rated! character for themes of Depression. Please Discord me if you have concerns.

Indigo knew Duchess wasn’t the one to help him through this awful time, she was as broken as he was if not more so. As he held her, both of them went spiraling deeper. It was far too easy when he could feed off her shared sorrow, no one understood more than Duch and yet he felt worse as he lay there with her. She pulled away after a while, dual toned gaze looking up at him with his name on her lips. Then she gave up. Like a ragdoll she collapses, weary from the weight of the world as she sought him to end it all. Again. She’d asked once if it would be better had she been dead.

For a split second he wasn’t so certain anymore.

He didn’t want to let her go because a selfish part of him couldn’t believe she wasn’t salvageable. Duchess had done some terrible things but it was hard for Indigo to forget their time together, especially the good times together. They were just easily clouded by the worse things, and the loss suffered after. Indigo had felt like she betrayed him, and she had. That kind of brokenness in their relationship couldn’t reflect on her personal healing. Like him though, it was hard to imagine being back to anything like normal after all of this.

"I can’t.” He returned softly. He’d taken two lives before and he had done so to protect innocent life. Hers and Emersyn’s. Indigo would do it again too, if he was doing it to keep the ones he loved safe. He couldn’t take Duch’s life right now, not even after she destroyed his life. "You did. He confirmed as she confessed her fault. He could have done better, but how could he have predicted Duchess would go behind his back like that?

"If you could have just been patient…” He grit his teeth, trying not to let more tears fall from frustration. If she had waited a year… Hell, half a year even… Indigo would have been ready to start a family, but she had gone against his wishes, and both of them were hurt more in the end for it. He’d trusted her, and she broke it and threw it in his face. He knew it wasn’t her fault their children were dead, but they wouldn’t even have existed if she had honored his wishes. "Everything would be different.”

"Speech"

When Indigo responded, she found herself falling into his fur and clenching tighter. She couldn't deny feeling a small relief, that he couldn't because he still wanted her here with him. But whatever she felt was shattered through his next words. She had called herself out, and him confessing the same that she had made him this way, it hurt more than her own blame. She didn't feel like she could ever move past this, what had happened. What she had done to him and herself.

It was very simply put why he was so troubled and upset, Duchess did intentionally betray him. "I'm sorry," she cried out quietly, though it felt like she couldn't say it enough. "I was selfish. I wanted it to be you and me like it was from the beginning..." It seemed like the truth came out easy, like how she felt about wanting to be Indigo's one and only, or at least his most prized was the least of her worries now. Whatever she said to him now couldn't hurt her anymore than she was, though maybe that wasn't true on the other end. She had been so reliant on the love that Indigo offered, that he offered to all those in the band, that him leaving her felt like it would be more devastating than this. But she could see now that she was wrong. There was nothing else that could be more destructive.

"I love you, Indigo." Her voice had calmed from it's previous breaks and tension, but she was still in that lowest point. "It hurts me how much I love you because I can't be like you. The way you made me feel when you loved me far outweighed any of the hard feelings I had. But I'm suffocated by them. I've never felt good enough, I don't think I ever will." She didn't expect him to accept her reasoning, wash it away like nothing had ever happened. She thought that maybe if she told him though, that some kind of weight would be lifted off of her. But again she was wrong. She couldn't take back what she did, and she would always be filled with this guilt when she was around him.

"Duchess"

Duchess is an !M rated! character for themes of Depression. Please Discord me if you have concerns.