in loving memory

Theory

And so another season passed, unbelievably, and her father was still dead. Spring had slipped by seamlessly with the bustle of travel and beginning full construction on the school. Now that summer marched onwards, each day dawning a startling blue, it seemed like a cruel joke that Rhyme wasn't here to see it all. Her grief was almost heavier now than it had first been. Sometimes it took her breath away and threatened to waylay her completely. There were days that she sat by the cliffside and looked out for a moment, reminiscing, only to find that an hour had passed. Theory had only been in her head this much when she was struck by the sickness during the Long Night. The comparison was apt enough - in many ways, she still felt ill. Chasing Thalia off had done nothing but compound the wound.

The school had given her something to focus on entirely. She gave of herself completely, spending from dawn until dusk digging, planning, talking with the pack and wolves on loan from other places. Sketching out ideas. Living only in the future, not the present or the past. When she dragged herself to her den at night, muscles aching and numb, she expected to fall into that deep, dreamless sleep - but it was elusive. Even though physically she was exhausted, her mind would keep her up for hours longer. The floor of her den had been worn another few inches deeper by her constant, restless pacing.

Something had to change. She had to take some step, however small, towards reconciling with this new reality. Life was unfair - hadn't she been nursed on that fact? Had she not learned by now? Nothing was yours forever. She'd watched countless children leave Abaven, some of them at a flat out run. Was it her? Was it this place? No, it was larger than all of that. Bigger than her, bigger than Abaven, bigger than Boreas: it was the thoughtless, ceaseless march onwards of everyday cruelty. As simple and common as that. There was no great personal affront to be had. Some chose to run. Some chose to stay. Some crumple beneath the weight. Few stand to bear it, fewer still brace themselves beneath it all with a smile and an open heart.

This school would be her open heart.

She woke from a shallow sleep by the Rapids, her heart beating wildly in her chest like a caged bird. Theory stand shakily to her feet, careening from side to side until she found her balance. Her ribs were visible in the shifting sunlight of the late afternoon. Try as she might, she'd lost weight the past month even while she battled with herself to remember to eat. Fable always seemed to be lurking around with something tasty... that was a help. Her sister had raised a fine young girl. Her heart twisted hard in her chest - a fine young girl. Would she have the chance to raise her own children? They'd never meet Rhyme. Or Shaye. Or... with a stomach-churning sickness, Theory realized that she'd nearly forgotten her birth mother's name. Tana. Tana, you fool. Rhyme was one of the few remaining wolves who might have remembered her... and now all she had were memories. Theory took a series of quick, shallow breaths.

The sound of the rushing water brought her back to center. She shook out her dull fur and took a reproachful look at her reflection, but the water was running fast and hard for this time of year. Not a single feature could be made out against the frothing rapids. She sat back on her haunches and took a few moments until her breathing evened out. Long, deep breaths. Pausing for a second - but not long enough to think about it, lest she regret it - she plunged her face into the water. Underneath the surface, everything was obscured. It was pleasant and dark. A little cold, but refreshingly so. She held her head there until her lungs burned, then just one second more. Theory reared back, sending water flying in a perfect arc as she shuddered and coughed. Sweet, sweet air flooded her. A touch of lightheadedness began to fade and she stood up quickly, heading away from the shore with a determined purpose as if she hadn't been playing the knife's edge of losing consciousness.

Theo had been planning this privately for some time, but she had wanted to make sure that everything with the school was moving along at a good pace. Construction was well underway. Boreas seemed to welcome it. There had been more alphas than she'd expected to willingly participate. Soon, Abaven would be flush with students eager to learn. It was time; perhaps this would finally bring her some modicum of peace. As they had gone about excavating the cliffs, she'd set aside some special stones. Some were lumps of what she assumed were unfinished gems that she had polished as best as she could. Some were small fossils from creatures gone by, leaving their imprint to be found eons later. Some were simply perfect, smooth rocks that she'd taken a liking to. They'd called to her, until she'd devised a small purpose for them. She had slept with them piled in her den for weeks now, and she had figured it was as good of a time as any to finish what she'd dreamed up.

Quietly she collected them and moved them one by one from her den towards the family burial plot. She placed rocks where she felt they were called to go: some marked Shaye's grave, some marked Rhyme's. Some marked Tana's. It was such a simple thing. In fact, she couldn't even guarantee that these stones would even stay for very long. A curious animal might come along and move them. They might get washed away in the rain. It was the way of things - the little, common cruelties of nature. A raccoon wouldn't know this was her father's grave. A thunderstorm bade allegiance to none. By the time she'd arranged them as she wanted, the afternoon had turned long and golden. Theory sat in the center of the gravesites and found herself struggling to breathe. The weight of it all... to go on without any of them by her side... it was bearing down on her. It was crushing her. She took in a short, ragged breath and closed her eyes.

They would be proud, wouldn't they? Wouldn't they love Abaven, even now?

Wouldn't they be proud of her?

A stillness came over her as a breeze rustled the leaves in the clearing. It passed through and out towards the coast, quick as anything. There and gone. Theory took in a good, deep breath and felt it in the fullness of her lungs. She stepped towards a space equidistant between Rhyme and Shaye's graves and slowly lowered herself to the ground. "Hello..." she said softly. "I've just come to... I just wanted to..." She closed her eyes, suddenly feeling stripped of her years and experience. As young and unsure as she had first been so long ago. "I wanted to tell you that I miss you, but... there are wonderful things happening in Abaven. And I think you'd love it."

"Speech"

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