She had sat silently at the meeting, even as Newt's scent had hit her like gale force winds and then her voice had rung in the old woman's ears like a bell. No acknowledgement, no greeting... But what had she expected? She deserved less the the woman's cold shoulder, less then the woman's cold acceptance of her presence in this pack. So Zara had said nothing, marred features remaining in their permanent smile. She had spoken when addressed but there was nothing between them that would suggest that Newt might be the woman Zara had spoken of, probably leaving Taurig to assume that she had meant another woman. They had been multiple rulers of Tortuga since the beginning so until she spoke to Newt then she would allow the man to continue to believe this. If they spoke...

Zara had taken some time to find a place to call her den, finding somewhere where roots were plentiful on the surface of the ground but no so much that digging was impossible. Massive laws made short work of digging, starting today with just enough to for herself in. Eventually she would need to do more, she would need to hollow it out move so she could sleep within and hang herbs from the ceiling in the roots. If she was to be this packs healer then she was going to do this right. That was if Newt didn't decide to kill her before she had a chance to collect what was left of the herbs. And honestly, Zara wouldn't blame her if she decided to do just that.

The blind woman worked her way out of the home she had made for herself near the boarders of the lands. Covered in dust and dirt she almost looked brown until she shook herself out. But she didn't go far from her home, she was meeting with the first woman who had been at the meeting, the one who had smelt like family, later that day. She sat slowly, hips sagging towards the side in a show of exhaustion but she remained seated. The blind woman no longer trusted Newt enough to lay down and call to her. So tipping her head back she let out a short call, with a simple message. That she wished to speak with the beta. There was no love or recognition in that howl, no feelings of remorse or sorrow. No, the rest of the pack didn't need to hear that she would save those emotions for later if Newt even came to her call. Zara couldn't, wouldn't, blame her if she decided to live the rest of her life ignoring the blind woman.

Speech!

Anger had become a knowing thing. It had curled around her being and wrapped her tightly with security. She had found no other master, found no other lover, she was merely keeping busy with the pack to ensure she made no rash decisions simply because she was feeling abandoned yet again. She had seen Zara in the meeting and nothing had been said. She had felt only hurt and outrage that she had come back. Why? She had allowed the pack to fall under her reign and she knew that being queen had become something she required to function. At least she thought. However, the position she had acquired threw the rule of Tortugas new king had kept her mind at bay. The call was empty and she stood against the rocks and ashes of a kingdom she had high hopes for. Closed her eyes and listened and though she was angry she was not heartless. She did still love her. However, it seemed when ever she needed her the most she was nowhere to be found. The same could be said about champion. Where had she been? It had been such a long time since she had seen her former beta and she felt so heartsick. All of them had left her so what was left now? What would happen if she required Amenti? Would they even come back? All the worried seemed to be consuming her and she closed her eyes and thought. Whispers to the flowers with the pain that still haunts my heart. Your ghostly eyes still follow me when I dream of you and I. had you not been taken from me, I know you would have followed and made things work. I miss you. she thought of Kaios and wondered where he was. She shook the regret away as she wandered towards the den that Zara had claimed as her own. She took note of its structure and wondered if she had thought they would share it. She had her own den, the home her and her pups resided in. They were still small but growing quickly. They all loved her but knew no one else but her and their siblings. She wouldn?t go into that den, not now, perhaps not ever. She simply allowed her voice to carry out as she called to Zara. ?Zara.? Her violet eyes looked over her disheveled appearance but no remorse was present in her gaze. No, she had done this to herself but she wasn?t unkind. She would not stand by and continue to shun her when she still loved her. She was not heartless and although she was angry she held felt her display at the pack meeting had been enough to hurt her. She moved beside her, allowing her fur to touch that of Zaras, as she turned to lay beside her. They would talk but she would ease some of the tension. Speech,

She didn't realize she had been staring straight ahead until her eyes began to burn, slowly she allowed her lids to close and sighed as the burn increased. Her concern about whether or not Newt would show up twisting at her gut even as she let the world melt away. She could still remember the first day her mother had met Maze, after a year of watching fear and hatred eat at her mother it had been nice to see her smile. It had been nice to see her fears melt away, her fear of Zara's father who had raped her and had been the only reason Zara and her siblings had been born. It had been the reason that Lust had always shied away from Joker, her son who so resembled their father... Her mothers words came drifting back to her as she sat there in silence. It had been the day that Zara had come home from a training session with Darcia, the day that she had gotten her ear ripped off. She had been terrified. 'Courage is tricky, oily. Easy to drop, easy to misplace. Nothing is always there. Not courage, not joy, not hate or hope or anything else. We find courage, lose it, sometimes misplace it for years, and sometimes live in its grace for a while.' Zara had asked if love was elusive too and her mothers answer had not been simple. 'I have two answer for that, though there are probably more. One answer is the big answer. Love is always there. It lives in all of us. Even in Narin, as bad as he was, loved something. Everyone loves. But thats not what you meant and I know it. The other answer, the smaller answer is that when we love something we don't always love it. It comes and goes. Like breath in the lungs.'

She had understood that more and more as she had gotten older, watching her mother and Maze and then having crushes of her own that came and went. Nothing had ever been solid in her life, she had never desired for anything to be solid. Even after all the disasters and sorrow in her life she still didn't know what she wanted. She had thought that she had loved Newt, thought that that had been the end of it but that love seemed to ebb and flow, coming and going as easily as the tide. Though it never left completely often it left for long enough that leaving Newt's side was easy. And now she understood that it wasn't fair to Newt, just like Maze's constant comings and goings hadn't been fair to her mother. She had watched the loneliness and worry eat at her mother and though Lust had been understanding and had accepted Maze back any time he decided to come back to her. Normally it was just to get her pregnant, it wasn't often that he stuck around to see the children he had spawned... Zara knew his intentions were good, that he had truly loved her mother but Newt was not her mother, Newt deserved better and Zara knew that. She couldn't leave her wishing and hoping that Zara was around more when she couldn't guarantee that she would be.

Newt didn't take long, she really never did and Zara almost immediately felt bad for doubting Newt at all. And as the woman's powerful scent hit her the blind woman's eyes fluttered open as she was torn from her thoughts. She said nothing, she didn't move as she allowed Newt to take the lead in all this. Hoe was she supposed to react? She knew that she had called this meeting and yet now she was torn, she was tongue tied. Her name slipped from Newt's tongue and Zara's heart twisted violently in her chest. But her expression remained a practiced neutral as she felt Newt slip towards her, their pelts brushing as the massive female lay beside her in the dirt. "Newt." Her name came out a deep rumble but after that nothing was added, she allowed the silence to stretch between them for a time. She fished for words, trying to drag them out of the river that was her minds, not sure what she could do to make this better or what she could even say to make Newt understand. In the end she realized that she couldn't, all she could do was say what she could and Newt could make her choice. "I could say I'm sorry but that wouldn't get me far. All I can say is that you don't deserve this, that I don't deserve you. I've seen what happens to someone when the person they love is absent and I don't understand how I could do that to you but at the same time...." She paused and drew in a deep breath, closing her eyes this time. "I understand if you hate me, I will understand if you find someone else. I could make a thousand promises that I would never leave you again but in the end... I just want you to be happy. I'll always love you." Her eyes were close by the time she finished, drawing in deep breaths to steady herself. She wouldn't blame Newt if she walked away.

Speech!

What was love? The sound of her trembling voice seemed to fill her. Was she angry? Absolutely she was. She was angrier at the thought of Zara giving up on them. After everything was she so willing to let them end? She closed her own eyes and allowed her breath to ease out of her mouth. Counting silently to reign in her anger. Now was not the time to yell. She didn?t want her emotions getting the best of her and she would not lash out. Instead she allowed her tail to curl around Zara?s in a soothing way. She had thought about walking away but what good would that do? Would they rather live together with broken hearts or simply work on what was broken? After all, she had dealt with much with Kaios so why would Zara be any different? ?I could never hate you.? She said softly, she pushed her head against her shoulder. Allowing her aroma to sooth her anger. ?Love isn?t about fairness. It?s not about what is easy and what is not so easy. It is about accepting the one your with for who they are.? She said with a sigh. Zara had proven to be less then dependable but hadn?t that made her who she was? Hadn?t she loved her for it? She allowed her tongue to gently lick the side of her face. She could taste the salt from tease unshed. Knew they were coming but she wouldn?t allow it. No, if Zara wouldn?t fight then she would. ?I love you Zara. I told you this. I am angry that you have not been the rock I need. That when things are hard you are gone but without that I would not be who I am now. I would not have something to fight for. You are mine and I am yours. I will not leave you for being who you are.? Her voice was filled with acceptance. She had known that Zara wouldn?t always be by her side but she would need to find someone who would but that didn?t mean it needed to be a lover. After all, her new king was becoming a rather good friend of hers. Perhaps she simply needed friends to be there for her when Zara was not but not another love. ?If you think you cannot handle being my mate then you are welcome to walk away. However, if you want to be my mate then I suggest you formally claim me before someone else does.? She said with a finality that was unyielding. Zara had never officially claimed her as her mate and she would give her the chance to now. That meant that no one would love her but Zara. She would want pups again, she enjoyed the pain far to much to not continue to breed but she would choose the male with her and it would be simply for procreation and nothing more. Speech,