She had never imagined that this kind of hollow pain was possible, but the last several days had taught her that there was so much of the impossible that was in fact very much possible. Had it only been a few days since their pups were lost? Or was it more than that? She had lost track. She had only left her bed for short periods of time since then and only at Saracyn's or Irilyth's insistence–partially because of her grief and partially because of the havoc that the failed pregnancy had on her body. She was still recovering from the physical trials and the illness that had come from it all, but even as those symptoms began to fade she knew the emotional and mental turmoil of it would linger on. It was a blessing and a curse to be so aware of what had gone wrong and what the road ahead of them would look like. That awareness would ultimately protect them from feeling this heartbreak again, but it did mean that this part of their life could be cut off from them forever and that hurt nearly as much as the loss itself.

In the haze she was aware of her mother's voice speaking to her at some point while she hid away in her den, but she had refused to even pull her head out from under the covers. She had no doubt that after that disastrous day her mate or Irilyth had sent for their parents despite the fact that she hadn't wanted to disrupt their vacation and now here her mother was, clearly attempting to console her. Her mother was the one wolf she truly could not face right now, however. She had aspired to live and lead just as her mother had, training and preparing to take her mother's place since the day she was old enough to understand what being a Matriarch meant. And she had failed. She had failed to tend to the pack in her mother's absence, having to pass off those duties to Saracyn while she carried their ill-fated children. She had failed to follow through with the one, central goal that every member of their family carried with them–continue on the Mendacium bloodline. She knew it would get her no where to continue wallowing in her own grief and self pity, but here she was, doing just that.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

There had been no hesitation in the return back to Elysium when Alastor and Manea had received Avacyn's raven in the midst of their retirement vacation. The grim news the corvid brought struck the brute in his heart like an icy dagger. Ava, his little Ava, pregnant and losing her pups all while they had been gone. It was a darkly sobering realization he had while he and Manea sprinted the distance back to Elysium, pausing for nothing and letting nothing stop them. They arrived on the island to find the pack in a dour atmosphere. Saracyn had been bereft, eyes glazed and losing himself in thought so often he ended up just staring into space with a thousand yard stare. Avacyn had refused to see anyone, even turning Manea away when she tried to go comfort their daughter. Alastor sat just outside the den while he waited for Manea. Saracyn had wandered off on his own, also refusing to talk about things. He was grieving and mourning in his own way and Alastor would give him the space he clearly desired.

When Manea stepped out from the den looking defeated and heartbroken, Al knew something was wrong. Manea told him how Avacyn had just shut down, had refused to speak or do anything, and what kind of state she'd been in following the miscarriage. Alastor frowned, forehead furrowing the way only a father worried over his child's safety could. Manea asked him to go check on her, but he was already heading inside. Maybe Manea could talk to Saracyn; maybe she'd have better luck with their blockheaded son. The den was deathly silent when Alastor entered. It was unsettling and eerie, like the life had been sucked out of the entire place. Giant paws padded down the corridor toward the bedroom where he found a wolf-shaped lump underneath the blanket of furs like a stubborn teen refusing to get up in the morning. Were the mood not so dismal he would have found the display humorous. Alastor padded over to the edge of the bed, settling down on his haunches on the furs beside Avacyn. After several long moments of silence, the sire lifted a giant paw and settled it gently on top of the lump, just letting her know he was here with her. More silence followed while Al struggled to think of what would even be an appropriate thing to say in a moment like this. Eventually, he decided on saying the first, truest thing that came to his heart.

"I love you, my little firefly. You don't have to come out if you don't want to. We can just stay like this for a while."

"Alastor Mendacium"

The silence of the den that followed her mother's departure was both heavy and welcome at the same time. A bit like the idea of mystery loving company, somehow the empty, hollow silence mimicked the heavy, empty feeling that sat on her chest unyieldingly. It felt like what she deserved to have, but a small, buried part of her yearned for a time when she could have gone running to her parents to make things right. She wished so desperately that she could rewind time and go back to the days that felt like distant, fuzzy memories now–back when she was just a pup and Elysium was still just an idea and a dream. She remembered riding on her father's back everywhere they wanted to go, moving from place to place and seeing all sorts of sights all over Boreas as they went. The exact details were fuzzy or non existent now, but she remembered how simple that had felt, how care free it was. That was a feeling that felt so foreign now and she longed for it like nothing else.

The ever spiraling trail of her thoughts was jarred by the sound of heavy footfall–the soft thud of paws on stone was too heavy to be that of her mother returning to make another attempt at speaking with her or even Saracyn drifting aimlessly back into their home. Somehow she knew exactly who it was before his large paw ever rested on her shoulder through the fur blankets she was hiding beneath. His silent presence with the familiar weight of her father's paw resting on her chipped away like nothing else had at the hard, rigid shell she had built and by the time he finally called her the pet name that he had been calling her for her whole time it had begun to crack. Through all of this she hadn't cried. She had been numb in her grief, void and empty to avoid the crashing emotions that she had held just out of reach. But with her father here, after just a few moments tears began to burn in her ebony eyes and by the time she had wiggled her head out from under the covers they had begun to stream down her cheeks.

A sob caught in her throat as she reached out for him, wrapping her trembling forelegs around his torso and burying her face into his fur. All at once she wasn't Avacyn Mendacium, Matriarch of Elysium any more. She was just Ava, her dad's little firefly, clinging on to him and trembling as she finally broke down under the drowning waves of sorrow and grief. After a few long moments she realized she was no longer sure what she was grieving more–the loss of their children, the realization that she would never be a mother, or the fact that because of her choices the line of matriarchs would stop abruptly with her. What had felt like the pinnacle of their lives and their greatest achievement had come crumbling down in an instant and it all hit her at once as she sobbed into her father's chest.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

The long silence stretched on after he had spoken to his daughter hidden away from the world beneath her blankets. Alastor didn't know if Avacyn would emerge for him or if she'd choose to stay in hiding with her own thoughts the way she had when Manea had come to comfort her, but it didn't really matter to the father. Just being here with her felt like the best support he could be giving her. There wasn't much else he could do in this grim situation but be there for his grieving children. Their loss hurt his heart, but it pained him even more knowing that he was utterly powerless to do anything of substance to make things right for them again. What sort of a father wouldn't have been plagued by the inability to fix his children's problems and make everything better again? He stroked over the wolf lump in the covers, letting Ava take her time to herself. He would be here for her when she decided she wanted to emerge.

Thankfully, that moment didn't come too much longer after he had spoken to her. After some shifting, he saw the pretty face of his little girl pop out from under the blankets, black eyes heavy and glassy with tears. She wasn't his puppy anymore now that she was a woman grown, but when he looked down at her, he could still see that little girl that clung to his legs and his back in her mournful eyes. He offered her a sad smile, happy to see her now, but also feeling his heart break for the pain she was suffering through. He knew the bitter bite of loss well, but not quite like what she was enduring before his very eyes.

Ava reached for him and Alastor scooted closer immediately, scooping his daughter up in his arms while she clung to him and the sobs began. One giant ebony paw cradled her head, stroking over the back of her skull to offer some comfort while she purged her soul of the painful emotions. "Oh, my little firefly... I am so, so sorry... This is not your fault... It isn't fair to you, and I wish I could take this pain from you..." he spoke in gentle, hushed tones to her, letting her tears flow to be caught and dried by his coat.

"Alastor Mendacium"

With her father's strong embrace scooping her up it was easier to forget the responsibility that sat on her shoulders and just be his little girl again, even for just a moment. She tucked herself into his chest, finally letting the torrent of emotions come rushing past the walls and barricades she had compartmentalized it all into while she clung to him and let herself believe that her dad could make everything right again just like he did when she was little even though there was no fixing this loss or this grief. Still, despite everything, his presence and his comforting was still soothing and grounding in a way that she had desperately needed, feeling safe enough in his arms to let herself have this release.

As he tried to console her with his sympathy and his assurances that this wasn't her fault, she couldn't help the twist of guilt that gnawed at her stomach. She understood what he was trying to do and say and she appreciated his efforts more than she could possibly say, but she knew and believed deep down that this was entirely her fault. She had known the risks, had known the high possibility that something could go wrong, but she had followed her heart to the very end with the irrational hope that she could give Saracyn and herself the life that they had wanted so badly. She had done everything she possibly could to give her twin everything and it had only come back to smack her down for flying too close to the sun.

For a while all she could do was cry until her eyes were tender and her breathing settled into stuttering hiccups for air. Even as her tears began to run dry, she never loosened her grip on her father, clinging to him like a life raft out of fear that if she let go she might go adrift once more. She wasn't sure how long it was before she managed to breathe more easily and she was able to blink open her tender eyes, but once she was able to she rested her head on his now damp chest with a heavy, shaky sigh and was just quiet for a moment until she finally asked in barely a whisper, "Is... Is mom mad? Disappointed?" Knowing that her mother had tried to hard and arranged so much to prevent this very thing from happening, she couldn't bear facing her just yet out of fear of seeing the knowing look of disappointment.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

Avacyn didn't say anything immediately when he tried to comfort her through her grief, and that was fine. Loss was always difficult to process, and a loss like this cut even more grievously to the heart. Alastor let his daughter take her time, let her sob her heart out until her eyes had no more tears left to give. The mountain of a wolf simply held her and remained a sturdy, stable support for his not-so-little girl to lean into until she had calmed herself down, one giant ebony paw stroking up and down her heaving back as she cried and cried, purging herself of the negative emotions weighing her soul down. Gradually her sobs began to die down, yet Alastor showed no signs of letting her go as much as Ava was clinging onto him. He didn't care if she spent all night like this and soaked his coat with her tears; he would not be letting go of her until she was good and ready.

Alastor just gave her all the time she needed. Eventually, he felt her shift and peeked down to spy Avacyn's matching obsidian eyes peeking up at him, and a loving smile stretched across his muzzle. "There's my little girl," he said with a chuckle, patting her back with his massive paw. Avacyn asked if Manea was mad or disappointed in a broken, hoarse whisper, and Alastor was swift to shake his head with an adamant assurance in his dark eyes. "No, sweetheart, she's not mod. She's worried. Her eldest daughter, her pride and joy, has just been through an awful, horrific experience. Your mother wants nothing more than to know you and Saracyn are okay and healthy. Nothing else matters to her—or to me." Al gently squeezed Ava in his arms, embracing her a little bit tighter while he nuzzled at her forehead with his snout. "...Are you okay, Ava? As okay as you can be, I mean. Irilyth said the process... was not pleasant or easy on you. You know, all the terrible things no parent ever wants to hear."

"Alastor Mendacium"

No matter how adamant her father was in his assurances that her mother wasn't mad or disappointed, only worried, it was difficult for her to believe what he was telling her. The pressure she had put on herself to meet the expectations that she felt like she had to meet had been so heavy that this had felt like so much more than just a personal loss for herself and Saracyn. That loss alone would have been enough to wreck her, but she also had to untangle the guilt she felt about not being able to fulfill the obligation she had to continue on the lineage of Matriarchs that had gone on for generations. As her father comforted her and assured her that he and her mother only wanted her and her brother to be okay and healthy, Avacyn did eventually allow herself to at least believe that much. It would probably take more time for her to forgive herself and figure out how she was going to move forward, but at least she felt like she might be able to look her mother in the eye again.

She nestled further into the plush coat of her father as he squeezed her tighter, enjoying the simple pleasure of just getting to pretend that she was a pup snuggling with him again. Her ears flicked a bit as he asked if she was okay, mentioning the unpleasant process that she had gone though. There was a hesitation in her answer, but she did eventually manage to say, "I will be," as she offered him a little smile. She couldn't honestly say that she was okay yet, but she knew that she would be. She had to be. "I'm just really tired still," she admitted as she tucked her head into his chest once again, nuzzling into the warmth of his fur and trying to ignore how damp parts of it were from her crying. "I hadn't really felt well the whole pregnancy, but I just kept thinking that it was going to be worth it in the end and then..." Her words drifted off into silence as she sighed softly, letting her sore, puffy eyes close as she relaxed into his embrace for the first time in a while.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

Listening to Avacyn speak, it was clear to Alastor just how physically and emotionally taxing this whole ordeal had been for her. Avacyn seemed weak, like she hadn't been properly cared for in a season, which was not far from the truth. The failed pregnancy had left her drained and frail. It made Alastor's fatherly instincts kick in hard and all he wanted to do was go fetch a meal for his little girl and cuddle her until she was whole and fully recovered. Alas, as fanciful as he was, Alastor knew that cuddles only went so far as a medical remedy. He just hoped she wasn't beating herself up too harshly over this mess. He knew his Avacyn, and he knew how much she was her own worst enemy. The last thing he wanted to see was her keep kicking herself while she was down. That he would not allow her to do, not if he had any say in the matter. The cuddles would continue until her mental state improved!

While he contented himself with holding her, Ava answered his question that she would be. Meaning she was not okay right now. Alastor sighed; he expected as much, but what else would he expect? The great dire wolf listened quietly while his daughter told him how she had felt unwell for almost all of the pregnancy, how she had brushed it off as nothing, and how it had ultimately turned out. Each word sent a pang of pain piercing through his heart. Although a degenerate and a monster, Alastor had a tender spot for his children like no other, and knowing his little girl was in pain and he was helpless to heal her was the worst agony he had ever felt. The ebony brute breathed another heavy sigh and continued to cradle and stroke his daughter's back while she tucked her face away in his thick fluffy fur. "I wish I could take this pain from you, my Ava. Nothing bad should ever be permitted to happen to you." If he had the means to, Alastor would have gladly bore the anguish she felt tenfold to spare her.

He leaned his neck down to gingerly nose and nuzzle at the top of Avacyn's forehead and the back of her scruff. "I don't give a damn about traditions or duty, or ranks and expectations. I'm just glad that I'm not burying my perfect little girl." Alastor placed a gentle kiss atop Ava's head, just between her white-tipped ears. "We can fix anything else together as a family, but I can never have another Avacyn." Alastor's children were his most precious treasures in the whole world. Nothing could ever compare to how paramount they were to him. Not Elysium, not the Ancients, not anything. "Can I get you something to eat or drink, sweetheart?" he asked, brushing his nose against her ear as he spoke softly into it. He didn't know the last time Ava had eaten anything, but she would need all the energy she could get to make it through her road to recovery.

"Alastor Mendacium"

A small smile tugged at her lips with her face buried in her father's coat as he wished to take this pain from her and declared that nothing bad should ever happen to her. Even though it was an impossibility in every regard, it was still a statement that was so true to him and she loved him dearly for it. This was certainly not the first bad thing to happen to her and she was sure it would not be the last, but it never stopped her father from trying to cuddle away the worst of it. Cuddles couldn't reverse what happened and they couldn't undo the damage that it had done to her body, but they did bring a much needed smile to her face even if it was a weak one. His love and reassurance that he was just glad that he wasn't burying his little girl felt like a double edged sword, but she understood what he was trying to say–probably more deeply than she ever had before. She was here and in the end she would be fine. She–and her parents–could be glad for that, but at the sacrifice of their pups that she and Saracyn had to burry.

She did her best to put that thought out of her mind no matter how difficult it was. She was forced to continue on and find a path forward regardless of what happened so thinking like that wouldn't help anything. Luckily, she was given a sweet distraction in the form of her father's gentle affections and his offer of something to eat or drink. The offer made her realize just how long it had actually been since she had either as she slipped further and further into the void of her own grief and loathing and her stomach immediately began to rumble in response. Gently lifting her head from his chest, she nodded quietly as she looked up at him and reluctantly began to let go of him. She started to roll onto her stomach, shifting a bit to keep the blankets draped over most of her body and just have from her shoulders up exposed. For a moment she considered sitting up, but she wasn't confident she could do it without a bit of effort and she'd rather not worry her father any more than she already was. "There should be some food in our supplies still... Out in the main chamber there's some shelves in an alcove with whatever we have on hand." She genuinely wasn't sure what was left since she had been fairly bed bound for a bit and Saracyn had been tending to all of the hunting for a while even before that, but she couldn't imagine that it was all gone.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

Before Avacyn could even respond to his offer, her stomach spoke up on behalf of both of them, growling like a wild animal at the mere mention of food. Alastor chuckled with a little smirk on his lips. Well, that settled that question then! Even before Ava gave him directions on where to find their food stores, the ebony dire brute was already untangling himself from his daughter to go search for some nourishment for her. "Got it. You wait right here, dear, I'll be back with something for you to nibble on." And out of the bedchamber went Alastor, giant paws thudding down the tunnels back to the main chamber of the den. Finding the stores of food on the shelves Ava had described wasn't difficult; in fact, the shelves were almost overflowing with the amount of salted and curing meats and fish sitting on them! Saracyn had clearly been keeping himself busy by overstocking their personal larders with an abundance of food. It both made the sire wolf proud to see his son being the provider he should be to his mate and also concerned for his boy's wellbeing if he was throwing himself into such a whirlwind of work in the depths of his grief. He hoped Manea would be having a productive conversation with Saracyn too.

Grabbing a couple pieces of salted salmon and a bowl he filled with water from the cave's natural spring, Alastor brought the basic meal back to his daughter in her bedchambers. He entered the dark room and placed the food down beside her on the bed, then moved to curl protectively back up around her again while she ate. "Saracyn's been busy I see. Your larders are practically bursting with cured meats," he remarked with a chuckle, leaning in to nuzzle the back of Avacyn's neck affectionately. "Is he treating you well, little firefly? Are you two still happy?" More than anything, Alastor wanted his children to always be happy and healthy. So long as those two goals were accomplished, all the rest could be figured out as they went. He didn't doubt Saracyn was a good mate, but he still needed to double check on his kids' happiness—especially now.

"Alastor Mendacium"

Avacyn couldn't help but smile as she watched her father hurry off in search of food for her. Now that she was no longer a pup and was more privy to the ways of the world, she knew well that her father was far from wholesome and innocent from the darker side of the world, but you'd never be able to guess it when seeing how he was around her and her siblings. It was far from the first time that she felt grateful for her sweet father, but it was certainly one of the times when she was the most thankful to have him around. He was only gone a moment before he came back with a bowl of water and a couple of pieces of preserved salmon. She grinned up at him thankfully as she accepted the meal, her stomach growling angrily again as it was placed in front of her. "Thank you, dad," she said genuinely before she took a drink of water and started to slowly take bites of her meal. As hungry as she was, she knew that if she scarfed down this food after not eating for such a length of time it likely wouldn't end well.

She was more than happy to nestle back into her father's side as he curled around her again, enjoying his warmth when it had been so hard lately to shake off this ever present chill. Her ears twitched toward him as he spoke and mentioned how busy Saracyn had been, surprising her with the update that their larders were not just still stocked, but bursting at the seams. Her brows pulled together a bit at that with concern as she ate. She had been so closed off from everyone, even Saracyn, over the last few days that she really didn't know what he had been up to or how the grief was effecting him, but it seemed that he had been keeping himself busy–for better or worse. She supposed she should be glad that he had been productive when she could not be, but it did make a twinge of guilt and worry twist in her belly.

Her thoughts were pulled away from her worrying about her mate as her father nuzzled the back of her neck and pulled her thoughts back into the present. His questions were perhaps more difficult to answer than she wanted them to be, but there was at least half of it that she could answer quickly. "He has always treated me very well," she assured her father with a little smile, pausing from her meal to take another drink of water. There was a bit of hesitation before she added, "It's hard to say that we're happy right now, but... I still wouldn't want to be with anyone else so I guess that's what matters." She turned her head to look at him with her most reassuring smile she could muster. "We'll be happy again, I promise."

"Avacyn Mendacium"