tw: miscarriage

The days and weeks of her pregnancy had felt fast at first, but steadily they seemed to drag on more and more. Each day seemed to feel a little longer than the last. She had been put on den rest fairly early on and she very quickly grew tired of seeing the walls of their den, but all of it would be worth it to have their children here with them. For the first time since she was about a year old she had to put the pack she now led at the bottom of her priority list, handing off the responsibility of it all to her wonderful mate. It was unfortunate that their parents were still away on their trip since she likely would have asked her mother to step in for her so that Sara could stay with her more often, but she both didn't want her worried parents hovering near her nor did she want to interrupt their relaxation for something that she hoped would ultimately turn out to be nothing. She knew that not every female had an easy pregnancy so perhaps she was just doomed to pay this price for their family.

However, as she laid in their bed, huddled under warm furs and trying to ignore this feeling that had begun a few days prior that almost felt like an aching fever, a grim thought crossed her mind. She had been like this for a few hours now with her forepaws resting on her belly, silently praying for the seldom and gentle movements that had kept her hopes up for all of these weeks. She started every day like this, waking up after Saracyn had left to begin his patrols, hunts, and meetings, and waiting to feel their pups move and wake with her before she rose to make herself go through the motions of her morning routine. Today that movement had not come and it kept her frozen there, laying in shock as she tried to wrap her head around what was happening and struggling to make herself believe that it could even be true. After a longer period of time than she cared to admit, she lifted her paws away, her limbs slightly stiff from laying in one position for so long. Ava let out a whistle, calling for Loqui from where he was undoubtedly perched at the mouth of the cave. The raven arrived quickly, landing in front of her with his diamond talons scraping lightly against the stone floor. "Go get Irilyth," she told him softly before her long time companion could question her and thankfully he took off immediately, the avian seeming to sense her dread.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

One of the greatest points of pride that came from being a pack's main healer was being able to be a source of information to her pack mates and giving them diagnoses and direction when they felt ill. Ironically, the worst part of being a pack's main healer was giving out difficult or unresolvable diagnoses to her pack mates. It was what made Irilyth's job both the greatest and worst parts of her life. She felt accomplished when she watched one of her patients recover and thrive before her eyes, and it crushed her heart when she could deliver nothing but bad news. Thankfully, the good outweighed the bad for the most part. Today, however, would see that change. The healer was in the hospital den stowing away some freshly made tinctures and tonics when a distressed raven came fluttering into the cave, croaking and cawing urgently for her. Though the bird did not speak Lupine, Irilyth recognized Loqui and knew that if something had Avacyn's avian in a tizzy, then something was very wrong.

Irilyth wasted no time grabbing her satchel and stuffing a few herbs and potions inside that she may need—and then paused with her paw over one. A clear, slightly hazy tincture she had thankfully never had to use before. She knew the ingredients within by heart. Tansy, wormwood, pennyroyal, mint... She knew what it would do any why she never used it. Even now, just the idea of bringing it with her made her feel sick, but she couldn't shake the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach that said she might need it now. In the end, Irilyth snatched up the vial and put it in her satchel with the others, then hurried out of the den to follow Loqui up the mountain path. She had become very familiar with the path to the twins' den by now, having tended to Avacyn almost exclusively up here since her pregnancy began to show. It was a short trek, but long enough to let her mind wander with worry. Was Avacyn okay? Were her pups okay?

Arriving at the den, Irilyth was concerned to find it quiet and still. Avacyn was not in the lounge space, nor was she in her workshop. The blonde fae eventually found the Matriarch still huddled up in bed. She had never gotten up this morning. Iri's nannying instincts immediately kicked in and the first thing she did was pick up a hollow bowl from the common area and fill it with cool water from the indoor spring. She returned to the bedroom and set the water down beside Ava, nudging it towards the younger fae. "Drink, my child," she gently urged the wolf she had once helped raise. Lifting a paw to rest on her forehead, Iri was immediately concerned by the flush of fevered warmth she felt under her paw pads. "Tell me what you're feeling, what you're not feeling, anything that feels off." Irilyth shifted her paw from Ava's clammy forehead down to her swollen belly, feeling tenderly around her taut skin to locate the pups while she listened to Avacyn's symptoms.

"Irilyth"

Avacyn wasn't really sure if it was minutes or hours between when Loqui flew out of the den to when she heard the quiet sound of Irilyth's paws entering the den. Her obsidian gaze shifted to look up at the blonde healer as she drew closer, but she didn't move. There was no evidence to bad up her irrational thought, but she felt frozen in place, almost as if she could stay still enough maybe Irilyth could turn back time and make everything right. She glanced toward the bowl of water that Irilyth insist she drink from and she almost refused or ignored it, but that feeling that had never really gone away of following what her nanny bid her to do eventually persuaded her to weakly lift her head and drink. It made her realize just how dry her mouth and throat had gotten from her hours of laying in this one spot.

Returning her head to where it was laying between her paws on the plush bed, she waited as her caretaker felt her forehead and continued on with the examination that she had done so many times before over the past many weeks. The feeling of her paws on her belly were familiar to her now even though the circumstances had taken such a turn. When Irilyth questioned her, asking her to tell her what she was feeling, she immediately wanted to reply that everything felt off. She was a smart woman. She didn't need Irilyth to tell her what had happened. Still, it was hard for her to face the truth of it and when she finally spoke she found herself blocking out the emotion that came with it and instead grabbing desperately toward the cold, numbness of logic and fact.

"They stopped moving," she replied softly, her voice slightly hoarse and her gaze not quite able to reach Irilyth's. "They're gone... aren't they? They didn't make it." She couldn't bring herself to care about the dull ache that had settled all over her body or the fever that made her feel hot and cold all at once. How this was effecting her own physical well being was the last thing on her mind. All she could think about was their children. And Saracyn... Gods, how was she going to tell Saracyn? "Please, just... Just..." She swallowed hard with a small glance toward Irilyth, lost, fearful, and tired. She didn't know exactly what had to come next, but she knew that Irilyth would.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

Avacyn's lethargy was concerning. Her fever and clamminess was concerning. The way she was refusing to shift or move at all was concerning. All of these little symptoms or details Irilyth took note of, working to suss out what was afflicting the Mendacium Matriarch. Ava did drink, which gave her some relief, but still she refused to move much while Iri continued her examination. There was no signs of pain or discomfort as she tenderly prodded around Ava's swollen belly, which was also a positive sign. Perhaps she was just having an especially bad pregnancy day. But that little ray of hope was quickly snuffed out when Avacyn said that the pups weren't moving and hadn't moved for some time. Iri looked up to Ava while she listened, grave concern on her expression. By this stage, the pups should be at least wiggling or making small movements almost constantly. No movement for an extended period was not a good sign.

Knowing what she was looking for now, Irilyth gently laid her head down on Avacyn's side, pressing her ear to Ava's belly as she tried to listen for any subtle movements within her womb. The distraught violet woman asked if the worst had happened and Irilyth responded by sliding a paw down to take the younger woman's paw in her own. "Shhh, don't worry yourself, sweet girl. We don't know if that's the case yet." Although she knew just how serious this matter was, being the dedicated healer she was Irilyth refused to give such a dire diagnosis without being 100% sure first. She was still Avacyn's caregiver, and that meant keeping her calm and grounded while she did her work. One minute passed. Irilyth continued to listen, straining her hearing in the quiet stillness of the den. Two minutes passed. Then three—then four—then five. All Irilyth could hear was the uneven breathing of Avacyn. There was no movement from within her belly, no sounds of the pups moving about. Six minutes. Irilyth's heart sank. Seven minutes, and it broke.

She knew. Both women knew. With a dejected sigh, Irilyth lifted her head from Avacyn's belly, her berry-hued eyed dim and despondent. There was nothing to be done and she knew it. She looked up to Ava, but couldn't bring herself to say the words aloud yet. Ava understood and begged her in broken words. She didn't need to say what she wanted; Irilyth knew what had to be done. She squeezed Avacyn's paw in her own and nodded her head. Reaching into her satchel, Iri produced a vial of boneset extract, echinacea, and valerian root. This would help make the next part less painful and difficult on her body. She pulled the stopper out with her teeth and pressed the bottle to Avacyn's lips, holding it to ensure the Matriarch took the medicine. It was clear that the healer was not giving her the option to refuse. "For the fever, and to make the next part easier," she explained.

Once Avacyn had taken the medicine, Iri reached back into her satchel and pulled out that dreaded vial of colorless liquid. Irilyth stared at it for a second, her heart aching as she prepared to do what needed to be done. Uncorking the abortifacient, she released another heartbroken sigh and pursed her lips while she brought the vial to Avacyn's muzzle. She didn't need to explain what this one was; the grim look in her mournful eyes would tell. Once that one had been consumed as well, Irilyth stepped aside to grab some furs to lay out in preparation for receiving the pups. She wanted to make this process as quick as possible so Ava wouldn't be subjected to seeing the bodies of her unborn children. "The medicine will do most of the work. You just need to follow your body and push when you can." With her explanation given, Iri once more looked up at Ava with sorrowful eyes. "I'm so sorry, Avacyn. I wish there was more I could do..." A pause while they waited for the drugs to take effect. "Do you want me to send for your mate...?"

"Irilyth"

Avacyn always appreciated Irilyth's kindness and attentiveness, even if it was ultimately all for naught. Even as she tried to reassure her and tell her that they didn't know if they were gone yet, Avacyn knew. Maybe it was some sort of twisted maternal sense or something. Still, she waited as Irilyth listened at her belly, hardly breathing to stay as quiet as possible in some vain hope that maybe she was wrong. The minutes ticked by oh so slowly until her caregiver finally lifted her head with a look that told Avacyn all she needed to know. There was a heavy tightness in her throat as Irilyth squeezed her paw and began to reach for supplies from her satchel. She was quiet as the first vial was brought to her lips, her gaze distant and not really focused on one particular thing, but she didn't hesitate or fight Irilyth on taking the medicine she was offered. It was grim and earth shattering, but she knew there was nothing that could be done. She knew Irilyth would give her what she needed and took it without question. Even as the purpose of the first one was explained to her, she could hardly hear what Irilyth was saying. She sounded so far away as the blood rushing through her ears drowned everything else out.

There was a pause as Irilyth reached for something else and eventually her former nanny's mournful, raspberry eyes came into view once more and she felt another glass vial being pressed to her lips. The finality of the bitter liquid rolling over her tongue truly drove the final nail into the coffin. Thinking about what was about to come made a weight settle on her chest and made it hard to breathe, but she did her best to focus on Irilyth's face and listen as she was instructed on how the medicine would help things along. There was an anxiety that gnawed at the steely numbness that she held onto tightly even as an odd, unpleasant warmth filled her stomach. It was like waiting on a time bomb now as they both stood watch and waited for the inevitable. She managed a small shake of her head as Irilyth apologized for not being able to do more. "It's not you're fault," she insisted quietly, her voice hoarse and quivering. No, Irilyth had done everything she could have and more the whole duration of her pregnancy. If anything, perhaps she had prolonged the inevitable. "You gave me so many weeks of hope," she added after a moment, glancing to Irilyth with a weak smile. "Don't be sorry."

When Irilyth questioned whether she wanted her to send for her mate, Avacyn hesitated for just a moment, but eventually relented and replied, "I'll send Loqui." She hardly wanted Saracyn to have to witness this any more than she wanted to experience it, but she knew she would need him. She knew that he would want to be here for the birth of his children, no matter how grim the results of it would be. Lifting her head enough to whistle, her raven needed to only glance at her through the den's entrance before he took off in a flurry of black feathers, flying faster than she had ever seen him fly. He was her first companion and she knew all too well how aloof he tended to be, but even he in this moment knew how pressing this message was. All that was left was for them to wait and she shifted slightly in a vain attempt to get more comfortable on her side. She stared off toward the far wall of the shadowed den, focusing on keeping down the medicine that Irilyth gave her that so badly wanted to turn her already uneasy stomach.

She wasn't sure if the medicine truly worked that quickly or maybe just hit her system harder than usual considering the lack of food in her belly, but it only took a handful of minutes for her to feel the first tight, painful twitches of her muscles as the contractions began. She gasped softly and grimaced at the sudden, gripping pain, the induced labor hitting her hard instead of building up slowly the way she had always pictured. Looking off toward the entrance of the den in anticipation for Sara's arrival while the contractions quickly began to roll through her one after another, she tried to do as Irilyth told her and trust her body to know what to do. She whined quietly and grit her teeth as the pain and pressure built quickly, nearly holding her breath until the worst of the contractions passed for a moment and she was able to quickly catch a few unhindered breaths. It felt almost as if her body had simply been waiting on permission to be free of these pups and now that it had it there was no choice but to go full speed ahead.

"Avacyn Mendacium"

Loqui wasted no time seeking out the Commander. The crimson brute wasn't hard to find, especially since he was returning to the island from a hunt on the mainland. As he was helping unload the deer carcasses from the ferries, the raven swooped down with urgent croaks which whipped his own raptors up into a frenzy. Although none of them spoke Lupine, Saracyn could sense the distress in the avians. Something was wrong, and he didn't need to be fluent in bird to understand what it was. Avacyn. Sara's heart sank into his stomach. Abandoning his tasks to the other hunters, the prince raced through the woods as fast as his legs could carry him. Through the trees and up the mountain path to their den where the sounds of pained whining could already be heard. His blood ran cold in his veins as he sprinted through the entrance. "Ancients, please, no no no no...!"

Saracyn almost skidded out as he rounded the bend in the tunnel to their bedchambers, paws skittering as he rushed inside and found Ava curled up in pain, clutching her stomach while Irilyth tended to her. Cerulean eyes wide with worry and dread, he approached his mate's side and settled down beside her on the bed, a white-tipped paw lifting to stroke her head while his other paw moved to clutch hers in his grasp. "I'm here, Ava. I'm here. You're gonna be okay. I've got you," he spoke in soft reassuring tones that tried to mask his fear. He looked up to Irilyth as she was tending to the Matriarch, waiting at her hind end with furs to receive their children. It couldn't be time already. Something was wrong. "It's too early," he whispered to Irilyth, looking to her for some answers. The gold-furred woman only gave him a solemn stare in response.

"Saracyn Mendacium"

It didn't take long before the thundering sound of Saracyn's heavy paws racing toward the den reached her ears and soon enough his crimson and black form came skidding in through the entrance to their bedroom just as another heavy wave of contractions began to grip her once more. She whined loudly and grasped at his paw as he settled down beside her, pressing her face into the fur of his chest with gritted teeth as she desperately leaned into her mate for comfort. She heard him whisper to Irilyth about it being too early for the pups to be on their way and made her heart wrench in her chest. That fact was true, but it was so much worse than that and she wasn't sure she had the strength to break the news to him and see the utter devastation on his face. She couldn't respond regardless at first as she rode out the swiftly moving contractions, eventually letting out a shaky, panting breath as her muscles relaxed for a moment. "T-they're gone, Sara," she managed quietly even though she wasn't able to make herself meet his gaze, her voice weak and hollow with a grief that had not yet fully cemented itself in her mind as real.

Her labor moved fast, certainly faster than she had expected, and pain lanced through her as her contractions continued marching on regardless of the havoc it was causing her. The medicines that Irilyth had given her that were supposed to help with the pain and to make things go more smoothly did seem to take the worst of the edge off, but it was like dulling a pointed rock before she was dropped onto it. There was something else beyond the loss of their children going on, but before any of that could be addressed she had to suffer through their birth. Panting raggedly and gripping with both paws to one of Saracyn's forelegs, she began to push with her contractions as soon as she felt like she should. Irilyth certainly hadn't lied when she said that her body would know what to do even though this unusual scenario. Pushing made the pain worse and her eyes watered as she gripped harder to Sara's foreleg, her claws biting lightly into his skin as every muscle flexed and tensed. She didn't realize her whines had built into screams until after she felt the first pup slide free and she could have a single moment of reprieve where she could gasp and pant, hiding her face away in Sara's fur as she trembled lightly from the effort her body had just exerted.

The process repeated itself, Avacyn fully disassociating with herself and the situation she found herself trapped in, until two still, lifeless pups were born. Thankfully they were far enough along to be fully recognizable as pups even if they were certainly smaller than they should have been–one more so than the other. Even though Irilyth tried to keep her from seeing them, she still lifted her head with exhaustion and insisted on seeing them when it was all said and done. They were gone and there was no saving them now, but these were still their children and she wouldn't pass up her only chance to say goodbye. Giving Sara a glance, she looked over to their pups that were laying partially bundled up in one of the furs Irilyth had brought. They were a blend of the two of them from what parts of their fur she could see, some dark purples and reds peeking through among the black, but her stomach twisted as she saw the misshapen skull of one and a fully missing limb on another. The one whose skull had not formed properly was noticeably smaller and it made her wonder if one had passed on before the other. She lifted a tired paw to gently rub across their backs through the soft fur they were wrapped in, her gaze distant and not quite focusing on any one thing in particular. "I want to burry them with you," she told her mate quietly, swallowing past a tightness in her throat. "Don't go without me."

"Avacyn Mendacium"

"T-they're gone, Sara."

Avacyn's words snapped Saracyn's attention to her in a blink. His heart stopped beating, his body going numb and mind blanking out. The pups... their children... were gone...? He couldn't comprehend Ava's words. They didn't make sense to his brain. Their pups were gone? How could they be gone?! They had been healthy and growing, they had been blessed by the Ancients and spawned from two pure Mendacium souls! How could they be dead?! Avacyn must have been mistaken and Irilyth must have been wrong. There was no way, no imaginable way that this could be possible! Looking from Ava's pained expression to Irilyth's grim eyes, something in Sara snapped. "No. No no no, no you must be wrong. They can't be gone. They're of our blood. They're pure, true Mendaciums! They can't be gone! They can't-!" But Sara's rambling was cut off as Ava's labors hit her hard and fast. He looked to his mate in shock and alarm, holding her closer to try and comfort her as she whined and panted, her breathing ragged as her body was racked with unnatural pain.

Saracyn grit his teeth and bared the bleeding of her claws in his forearm, those sharp tiger claws rending his flesh until her white-tipped paws were stained red with his blood. Irilyth was saying something, coaching Avacyn through the process, but Sara didn't hear her. His senses were dulled out to a state of incredulous disassociation. He could see everything happening, could hear Ava's screams of agony, but he felt nothing. It was like living a nightmare. How long the process lasted was anyone's guess, but eventually he saw Avacyn collapse into him, hiding her face away in his fur. Blue eyes blinked rapidly as he snapped back into the present. The room stank of blood and afterbirth. The only sound in the room was crying—Avacyn's, but not their pups... Irilyth apologized to the couple, and then tried to protest as Avacyn moved, not wanting the Matriarch to see the visceral scene. Ava was a stubborn as he was though, and both twins looked back to see the gristly sight. Wrapped up in a swaddling fur were their children, still and lifeless and horrifically deformed. The sight turned Saracyn's stomach, his brain almost not registering them as their children despite what his eyes saw before them. The two were a perfect blend of their sire and dam, velvety violet and brilliant crimsons. But what truly broke his heart was seeing the partially formed white markings on the side of the smallest's face—a mixture of his flame's and her geometric diamonds.

No words came from the shellshocked Commander. His heartbeat pounded in his ears so loud he could scarcely hear what Avacyn and Irilyth were saying. He just kept staring at his dead children—his prince and princess. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be possible. Everything they had ever known about the Ancients and their beliefs... it had said their children should have been close to gods for being spawned from two pure souls of Soul Mates. How could this have happened...? Saracyn's heart ached, his breathing was short as his faith was called into question. The Ancients had allowed this to happen. Instead of being blessed, they had been cursed. Anger and bitter sorrow ate him up inside. But despite wanting to go outside and scream and tear something apart, Sara never let go of Avacyn, holding onto his mate like she was the last thing keeping him tethered to sanity.

Irilyth began to bundle up the remains of their children. Ava said she wanted to bury them with him. Saracyn simply lifted his own large paw to rest over the covered forms of their pups through the fur like she had done. "I'm not going anywhere," he reassured her in terse, hard tones. Were he to let any more emotion out into his voice, Saracyn feared the levy would break and he would come undone. Irilyth quietly looked between the grieving almost-parents and nodded her head to acknowledge their request. "I will prepare them for burial so you may have time to rest," Irilyth told Avacyn. "When your strength returns, they'll be ready for you." With a respectful and solemn dip of her head to the Matriarch and Commander, Iri silently lifted up the bundle and began to carry it away to preserve the bodies and prepare them for burial, and to give the heartbroken couple some privacy to mourn together.

"Saracyn Mendacium"